Playdate dilemma - adore the mom, but the child runs amuck - now what?

[Anonymous]

"let's bring the juice back to the table" and her child doesn't and the mom doesn't do anything to help (which is likely), then my choice is to take the juice away and make the child cry (which she will if she doesn't get her way) or let it go which is a real slippery slope. How does one handle that situation?

I'm a PP, and I've had this happen. I mean this with respect and kindness ... I recommend that you find the fortitude to plow forward and kindly-but-firmly take the juice away. Why. 1. it's your house, your rules. A two yr old really ought not to be setting the agenda in anyone's residence. 2. Your child is going to have tons more playdates in coming years -- some with and some without her parent present -- and you might as well develop your technique now, because you WILL be called on to oversee and guide other people's children in your own home. 3. If the scenario really plays out as you describe above, Other Mom is actually being disrespectful of you.

[Anonymous]

I had a simular situation with a very good friend of mine. Basically I stated that the rule for my child was and said, DS is not allowed to do that., so we have to do this instead. It is your house. It deserves her respect. I think my friend was a little shocked b/c her DS reallly has no rules, but she went with it. It is so hard. I have had people that I did not hang out with b/c of the differences. Too hard. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I feel for you. I think you got some good suggestions. I hope these help. I don't have an identical situation, but something similar with family members.

1. Think about what YOUR child needs to see from you, and let that be your guide for which things you will let go, and which you won't.

2. Be prepared that some feelings may be hurt, and that's ok. If you are honest and straightforward, it is really ok if the mom feels hurt. It doesn't mean you were hurtful.

3. Your friendship with this mom probably won't last. It really isn't parenting style that's the issue, but respect for your home.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I may be the lone voice here but I could not handle being in most of the households so far described. Let me preface by saying that my DS is very well behaved - a comment I receive whenever we visit anyone - and he never runs wild in any house. As a result, parents love having him over because they think he is a good influence on their kids. I have only ever had one difficult experience with one friend who had a million rules for each room in the house - even her her own daughter is a nervous nelly in her own home - I was constantly on edge when DS and I visited and I really felt that, to save our friendship it would be better if I limited visits to her house to say parties and supper invitations and keep our play visits to more neutral territory - playground, restaurants and other kid friendly outings. As a result we see each other far less frequently, but it is so much more relaxing and I feel i can be her friend now without leaving her company with a tension headache.

I come from a family where you go out of your way to make guests feel completely welcome even if it means putting yourself out. I would never in effect put down a friend's parenting style by say "In this house, THIS is how we do things" implying that the way things are done in their house is in some way inferior. I could never make anyone feel like they have to tread on egg shells when they visit by setting a list of rules which, IMO , will immediately make a child nervous and do the wrong thing. In my experience this has NEVER led to anyone running amuck in my house. My son sits at the table to eat so all kids just follow suit, he does not jump on the furniture or write on the walls so likewise I think his friends just follow that example. Our house tends to be where all the kids hang out because they feel relaxed and i would like it to remain that way.
If I ever visit a house with my DS and I get any sense at all that it will be more stressful than pleasant for either of us I will just limit future visits to neutral ground. I have only had to do that once and DS is six but i would not hesitate to do it again.

[Anonymous]

to pp, I don't know how you mananged to have your child Never jump on a couch or Never write on a wall. I don't allow it, but it has happened many times. You must have plenty of rules if you say your child Always eats at the kitchen table, is he not Allowed to eat on the couch? That is a rule. People should have RESPECT for others. Your post doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

[Anonymous]

I think the key is all in the wording... you want to convey that your wish is, actually, non-negotiable... but in a positive way.

So, for the running around with sticky fingers problem, I'd say:

"OK, now before we can get down from the table, we ALL need to wipe fingers!" Then proceed to wipe the fingers of both children. Problem solved.

Whereas,

"Cathy, YOU need to wipe your hands before going in the other room" or
"Susan, can you make sure to wipe Cathy's hands?" are more likely to offend.

The upshot of the first remark is that you say it loudly, but gently, and it clues the Mom in to the problem without aiming it at her child. If you say something like that right in front of the Mother, who then allows her child to get down and wipe her hands on your couch, then I think the Mother is a really rude guest... and you may be better off meeting her in a neutral place.

I think its your responsibilty to outline the rules for your house in a positive way, so that the child knows what they are, and the mother knows too. And while I'd avoid scolding another person's child, I would have no problem on some of the big issues... so, if Cathy is jumping wildly on your couch, right in front of her mom, who does NOTHING,... I think its OK to say, "Cathy, we are not allowed to jump on the furniture here... but if you want to jump, why don't you get down on the floor and show me your best "monkey jump"?

If her Mom gets offended... tough. Its great to be a gracious host, but that doesn't mean you have to stand idly by and watch some two-year-old take a baseball bat to your Ming vase.

[Anonymous]

I had the same problem and eventually had to limit the play dates for almost a year. The other child eventually started preschool and my friend and an "epiphany" that setting limits is actually something each child needs.

Now that the kids are prechool aged, they play together quite often and the other child knows that there are some expected rules of behavior (that he learned at preschool). Of course, when around his mother, he doesn't always follow them. But, at least I can gently remind him not to hit, etc. Whereas, before the other mother would just turn a blind eye to it, leaving me to either discipline her child or ignore the behavior and leave my child feeling like it's okay to let others hit you.

There isn't much you can do, if the other parent has a different philosophy. Just limit the interaction - or just leave when it becomes too much. Eventually, the child will go to preschool and have to learn how to behave within limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:to pp, I don't know how you mananged to have your child Never jump on a couch or Never write on a wall. I don't allow it, but it has happened many times. You must have plenty of rules if you say your child Always eats at the kitchen table, is he not Allowed to eat on the couch? That is a rule. People should have RESPECT for others. Your post doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

I DID NOT say that I did not have rules. I said that I did not relay those rules to others when they visit because I feel that would make visitors uncomfortable. I have found that my DS's friends just follow his example. As for jumping on the sofa and writing on walls they are just things DS never did though I think that is to do with his temperament rather than anything I did so I have never imposed those particular rules on him though there are other rules such as tidying up toys after use etc.

[Anonymous]

to the 1:30 PP -- I completely understand where you are coming from. When I had a toddler/preschooler and a baby, I was so happy to have a friend over that I would have let her kids write on the walls with frosting just to have good company. Yes, I have rules in my home. And I'm strict about safety. But sometimes I relaxed the "respect for house" rules during a playdate for the sake of peace. my kids were not confused by this as I explained that there were "special occassions" when they were allowed to venture out of the kitchen with (GASP!) a juice box.

I understand some people can't relax if they feel the visiting child is wild and disrespectful. I just don't see young children that way. And I wouldn't want to visit someone's home if my kids were being followed around by a mother with a damp sponge barking rules of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand some people can't relax if they feel the visiting child is wild and disrespectful. I just don't see young children that way. And I wouldn't want to visit someone's home if my kids were being followed around by a mother with a damp sponge barking rules of the house.

Ahh, thank you for bringing some balance to this thread! It began with some good advice about how to negotiate a relationship between people with somewhat different perspectives on how to raise young children and then started to head down a path of suggesting between-the-lines that all the moms with less rigid rules were clearly the inferior moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:to the 1:30 PP -- I completely understand where you are coming from. When I had a toddler/preschooler and a baby, I was so happy to have a friend over that I would have let her kids write on the walls with frosting just to have good company. Yes, I have rules in my home. And I'm strict about safety. But sometimes I relaxed the "respect for house" rules during a playdate for the sake of peace. my kids were not confused by this as I explained that there were "special occassions" when they were allowed to venture out of the kitchen with (GASP!) a juice box.

I understand some people can't relax if they feel the visiting child is wild and disrespectful. I just don't see young children that way. And I wouldn't want to visit someone's home if my kids were being followed around by a mother with a damp sponge barking rules of the house.

I am the 1.30 pp and I feel exactly the same way as you. I like to relax, watch the kids and chat with the parents. If there is any cleaning up to do I do it after the guests leave and I am fine with that.

[Anonymous]

I am glad I am seeing some perspective--I couldn't help but thinking that OP is tough. I too was brought up to be a gracious host even at my own discomfort. For the record, I make sure I am always neat with dd but when someone starts giving their house rules--just gives me the willies--usually these kinds of moms are controlling and I try to avoid. Yes, it goes without saying that someone who is dirty shouldn't be jumping around--that's pretty obvious. But..the diaper thing doesn't have to be a big deal--simple as "hey do you mind doing this overhere"--any other stuff from kids jumping around to creating a mess with toys just goes with the territory. I just assume that I have to clean up after the kids leave--it's not a big deal and I don't sweat it. Moms need to remember that once you have kids, it's going to be different, we need to put the Martha Stewart hat away for a few years.

[Anonymous]

I find myself agreeing with many of the comments posted. It is all about balance--you don't want to have rules for every "misbehavior" since that is part of what being a kid is all about, but you have to implement some boundaries for the things that matter the most. If I am the guest, I would feel uncomfortable if the other parent had rules for EVERYTHING. But, the occassional reminder to not eat a messy food on the couch is no big deal.

[Anonymous]

OP again - this thread was actually really helpful until the last 4 or 5 PPs took it out of perspective and made it an all or nothing situation - the crazy anal mom versus the free willy. That is not what this post is about nor is it the questions being asked. Balance is key in every situation and some moms/kids respond to that balance more than others, so asking for advice on how to keep the balance is what this post is and should remain. For those that offered positive solutions to enforcing what should be basic respect between mom friends and children, I thank you. This is less about forcing people to comply with all the house rules and more about being or becoming not only a gracious host but a gracious guest - as both are important.

[Anonymous]

it is pretty simple. Respect someone elses house, rules what ever. and they should do the same for you. If I offend someone b/c I ask that their child not eat on my couch, I don't that overly senitive person in my life. I don't have time for those type of people. I am glad they would not want to come back, because if they did not control their child in my house, they would not be invited back.