Dating a Guy with PTSD
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Anonymous
| I've been dating a guy who is retired military and recently learned that he has PTSD. It makes me a little nervous because I'm not very familiar with it and scared at the same time. It just surprises me that he became open about it and told me. I like him a lot, but don't know if I can handle this if our relationship becomes serious. Any advice, education, feedback is greatly appreciated! |
Anonymous
| Nope nope nope noooooooo. In general I refuse to date military and police. Move on. Too many issues. |
Anonymous
| Is the sex good OP? |
Anonymous
+1 I have a very close friend who is married to a retired military guy. He’s been physically and verbally abusive. He sought treatment but hasn’t changed much. They have two small children. The family has never once had dinner together because he wants to eat in peace in the dark. He can’t handle a lot of noise or commotion. He is very rigid with schedules and how things need to be done. From what I’ve witnessed, he could also have an alcohol problem. My friend is stuck because she has a debilitating disease. She’s scared she’d lose custody then the children would be raised by him. It’s a horrific situation to watch but there’s not a lot I can do to help her. So, if I were you, I’d run as fast I can away from this guy. |
Anonymous
Not all have PTSD or issues. You sound obnoxious. |
Anonymous
Just keep going and see if you can or can't handle it when the relationship becomes serious instead of stressing over it in advance. When it becomes serious you will probably know him well enough to know how to deal with it, or you will learn to through the experience. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't be scared, but my suggestion is:
- Date long enough to go through some seriously stressful times before making a commitment like marriage. Absolute minimum IMO is one year for all couples, and I think you need to go through something like a major life event (parent dying, natural disaster, job loss, etc) in this situation even if it takes longer than a year. - Watch for how he copes. Is it anger/explosiveness, withdrawing, alcohol/drugs, adrenaline junkie, therapy, what? He will have a coping mechanism, you need to recognize it and see if you're okay with it. - Really learn about PTSD and how it impacts relationships. A close family member has PTSD and it destroyed his marriage. It makes him very explosive though, and I would have gotten out if I was his ex-wife too. He's extremely charming and "in charge" when he's doing well, which is quite a nice personality trait in many situations. But it flips to irritable and angry in a split second. |
Anonymous
| Don’t do it! I’m married to a law enforcement officer with PTSD. It’s always been a factor, but that we have kids it’s impacting them. My spouse cannot be confronted without feeling cornered and exploding, whether is me trying to discuss an issue or road rage. If you take the chance make sure his treatment is intense and ongoing. I have big regrets about being in my situation. |
Anonymous
| I think it's a great sign that he's open about it-that likely means he's serious about treatment. I'd just take it slow, and keep talking to him about it and observing his behavior. |
Anonymous
This is one person’s experience. Here’s another: I’ve been with DH for 13 years. He developed PTSD about 6 years ago. He’s been blown up and otherwise combat wounded, killed several people, seen several friends killed. His PTSD is generally not an issue, but when it is, it really is. It has changed our communication style to where I know if I’m going to say something negative or push him in any way, I need to say my piece and leave him alone for awhile. He’s explosive, and moreso when he feels cornered. It’s a very true depiction of fight or flight. Then there’s the flip side where he calls me at work in the middle of the day crying and saying he needs me and I go home and find him curled up in the stairs. Those incidents usually last a couple days. Here’s the thing. Everybody you date will have their thing. If it’s not PTSD maybe it’s another mental illness like bipolar. Maybe they were abused. Maybe they have general self esteem issues. Maybe they are type A and stress themselves out. You have to learn to give people a chance, regardless of their label. DH has 1-2 PTSD triggered moments each year. They are an inconvenience, but he is not. Talk to the guy you’re dating and find out how he manages his incidents and what you should do. Having a plan makes it far more manageable. |
Anonymous
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I’ve dated a couple guys and have had many friends with it. Even the ones who seemingly had it under control- in therapy, found Jesus, support groups, etc- had their moments when they disappeared on a weeklong bender, or got angry and blew up over nothing, or became extremely depressed and suicidal, or cheated, or became highly controlling.
Take things very slowly, don’t get serious, and don’t think you can fix this problem. There is absolutely nothing that *you* can do to fix it. Recognize that this is a problem you will deal with the rest of your life shouldyou get married, and be ready to walk if things get too rough. |
Anonymous
| Break it off now. |
Anonymous
| My husband is retired law enforcement and does not have PTSD. I am the one who has PTSD. Some people can cope with things and deal with them in ways that do not affect their lives. My husband is always cheerful, always fun, mellow, never raises his voice, is quick to apologize if he feels that he's in the wrong, he's great with our kids, he's loving and caring with me, and we've been together for almost 9 years. He just retired 6 months ago. He's always been this way. I, on the other hand, am the one who has to be careful with triggers. My husband has dealt with a lot of people who have PTSD, so he is very helpful to me. OP, if he's talking, which is unusual, find out what his triggers are. You need to know if you're going to be in a relationship with him. I also suggest that when you wake him, do not do it suddenly, and do nothing more than touch his foot lightly. Stay away from his arms while he's sleeping if you're trying to wake him. Sleep is one of our worst times. |
Anonymous
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You realize there is a spectrum of PTSD and not everyone is affected the same way, right? I have PTSD that primarily manifests itself with hypervigilance in reaction to certain sounds and if I'm startled while asleep. It has never manifested when the kids/babies have woken me up. Those sounds are distinctive and not startling. Someone tip toeing down the hallway or turning the knob quietly, yeah, that will set me off. Sometimes dreams will set me off. Never have I gotten violent or destructive. My reactions can be startling for my DH but nothing that's anywhere close to a dealbreaker - and the response has diminished over the years. I'm nowhere near as reactive as I used to be.
I saw give him a chance. As a PP said, everyone has their issues and until you get a better understanding of what his PTSD is like, you should at least be open minded. |
Anonymous
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"recently learned" he has ptsd
Color me pessimistic. Sounds like he could be one of those that is seeking attention. An insane amount of men claim to be Veterans that weren't. Equal amount claim to be x special forces etc. Sickening Shits that are pukes. ptsd is real. Hard to not know you have it, you're not just told "recently". Case in point, I've never spoke about it to my wife in well over 30 years. She has only talked about all the odd behaviors' years ago as single incidents, not a pattern. She knew I was a combat veteran in a foreign war. I don't know why she's never brought it up, My outward behavior was mostly gone in about 5 years or so. Much still went to bed with me most nights though for the next 10-15 years, some nights still. Damn sure don't just wake up "recently learned" and start talking to a SO. In my case, Anonymous forum is the only place I've mentioned it. Never anyone in my life, although my daughter guessed it without my confirmation. I'm not ashamed of it, and not proud of it. I do realize that no one can understand it without having experienced it. Don't need sympathy and don't need judgement. On a personal level, I find it exceedingly interesting phenomenon how the brain functions and causes sights, sounds and experiences as if they're happening in real time again. Really fascinating how it can all happen. It can change life forever. Not necessarily a bad thing for a spouse. My belief that he has true ptsd is zero based on what you've said. You might want to confirm that he actually graduated Medical School also ! Should you run from someone with PTSD ? Not necessarily. All depends on how they handle it. Do as my wife, treat each behavior as a unique problem. Can you live with those problems. Forget the labeling. F that shit. Treat them as a person, not a diagnosis. |