I want a divorce ”but I can’t financially do it.

[Anonymous]

I am 35 with three small kids. He is a great dad to the kids and very involved in childcare duties. He is completely indifferent towards me and often mean. He makes me feel terrible about myself and it’s often worse if he has been drinking. Today he went to run an errand and left his phone home by accident. He never is without his phone. I looked in his phone and as I suspect he is sexting multiple women. I suspected this because he has a history of doing this since we have been married , but I sorta turned a blind eye to it. Today after he yelled at me when I asked if he could check his pockets for my keys, I realized I can’t continue this relationship much more. I am so unhappy. I cry often and sometimes my children see my sadness and they are so young. I really want to separate but I can’t financially. I have been a SAHM for the past five years and DH is supporting us. To the smart people of DCUM what should I do first. I don’t think I want to reconcile because I just don’t love him anymore. I want to be done. I know my children love their dad so much, and I just tell myself to stay around for the kids...but what about me and my happiness? If I need to stick around for a couple more years to get my finances together I will but I want to hear people’s advice.

[Anonymous]

1) Scrape together a few hundred dollars to meet with an attorney. Get advice on how to best situate yourself, and what your expectations should be.

2) Go online to your health insurance company and find a therapist in your network. This will give you someone to “vent” to, but also help you identify how you got to this point, and what warning signs you missed, and why. The therapist will also help you figure out when, how, and what to tell your kids, and how to co-parent.

3) You will have to get a job at some point. Clean up your resume, and find ways to re-establish your network. Maybe you find some PT or freelance work for now.

4) Document the abuse.

[Anonymous]

No easy answers. I'd told myself I was going to work for a year and save money before leaving, but then my husband threw something at me and was abjectly unapologetic/blaming. I knew it was only going to get worse from there, and I left within the week. I cried everyday and was suicidal. I had to go.

Maybe you can stay with your parents for a spell? Do you have familial support? Anything will help.

[Anonymous]

Get a job, save money, hire a lawyer, file for divorce. Do not let on how much you are saving. Do not give him access to your bank account. Keep all info private. Document everything. Take screenshots of the sexting, including his phone number at the top if his phone shows it. Keep a lock on your phone. Hugs and good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here and thanks for the advice. My goal right now will be to save money and then look into some new career options for when my youngest begins kindergarten. My goal is when I am ready to make my move - I have a comfortable amount of money saved to get me started with my own place and a job that can help sustain us. It is going to take a lot of time- a few years basically- but unfortunately I do not have anywhere to go. I am just extremely unhappy, but I have to be financially smart about this as I have three kids under the age of three. They just adore their dad, but they need a happy mother right? I just tell myself that my happiness will benefit my children greatly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a job, save money, hire a lawyer, file for divorce. Do not let on how much you are saving. Do not give him access to your bank account. Keep all info private. Document everything. Take screenshots of the sexting, including his phone number at the top if his phone shows it. Keep a lock on your phone. Hugs and good luck, OP.

All the money is discoverable in divorce proceeds. Attempting to hide it will backfire.

[Anonymous]

Really good advice on here, especially from second poster, 19:32. Can not emphasize enough the importance of documentation—both the abuse and the sexting. Get phone numbers, phone records, screen shots, everything you can. It’s probably the last thing you want to do right now, but youve got to do it before he catches on. Andrea Hirsch is a good family lawyer in DC and does not charge for an initial consultation. Get some advice about your options before making a decision. And also, just a big hug to you, this must be awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really good advice on here, especially from second poster, 19:32. Can not emphasize enough the importance of documentation—both the abuse and the sexting. Get phone numbers, phone records, screen shots, everything you can. It’s probably the last thing you want to do right now, but youve got to do it before he catches on. Andrea Hirsch is a good family lawyer in DC and does not charge for an initial consultation. Get some advice about your options before making a decision. And also, just a big hug to you, this must be awful.

Thanks- OP here- it really is awful but I have to remain strong and determined for the kids. What will documenting the secting achieve? I’m
Just curious..

[Anonymous]

Get a job.

Get a job.

Get a job.

Until you have a job, he will have all the power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for the advice. My goal right now will be to save money and then look into some new career options for when my youngest begins kindergarten. My goal is when I am ready to make my move - I have a comfortable amount of money saved to get me started with my own place and a job that can help sustain us. It is going to take a lot of time- a few years basically- but unfortunately I do not have anywhere to go. I am just extremely unhappy, but I have to be financially smart about this as I have three kids under the age of three. They just adore their dad, but they need a happy mother right? I just tell myself that my happiness will benefit my children greatly.

OP, I’m not sure your timeline is workable. Your youngest cannot be one yet, so you have more than 4 years to make plans but you also have to stay in this situation for four years. That is a long time to be miserable. It may be more financially difficult, but if you get a job now and you have a childcare situation in place (nanny, daycare) then it will be considered in your divorce proceedings that it is something that must still be paid for by both parties, your husband included. If you wait, you will get child support but you may have to figure out how to pay for it in your own. Also, you will get a few years of limited alimony to get yourself back on your feet career wise. It may be better to take this alimony and use the time to rebuild your career post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a job, save money, hire a lawyer, file for divorce. Do not let on how much you are saving. Do not give him access to your bank account. Keep all info private. Document everything. Take screenshots of the sexting, including his phone number at the top if his phone shows it. Keep a lock on your phone. Hugs and good luck, OP.

All the money is discoverable in divorce proceeds. Attempting to hide it will backfire.

True, but she’s going to need money to pay the mortgage or get an apartment when they separate and the final child support settlement can take awhile to get worked out. In the meantime, you still need money for living expenses.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't you seeking a good marriage counsellor to begin healing the wounds?

Now that there are three little innocent children,
they need to be the priority.

Did you both have divorced parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No easy answers. I'd told myself I was going to work for a year and save money before leaving, but then my husband threw something at me and was abjectly unapologetic/blaming. I knew it was only going to get worse from there, and I left within the week. I cried everyday and was suicidal. I had to go.

Maybe you can stay with your parents for a spell? Do you have familial support? Anything will help.

This happened to me. I was a SAHM for 2.5 years and had to leave when my daughter was 4. I got a job and everything got worse very quickly. My XH was also financially abusive. Yes, you need the job. But, wait until your other ducks are in a row. Open your own checking account and don't tell him. Wait, I posted a long list of how to get out of an abusive marriage on another thread. I will find it and link back to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a job, save money, hire a lawyer, file for divorce. Do not let on how much you are saving. Do not give him access to your bank account. Keep all info private. Document everything. Take screenshots of the sexting, including his phone number at the top if his phone shows it. Keep a lock on your phone. Hugs and good luck, OP.

All the money is discoverable in divorce proceeds. Attempting to hide it will backfire.

True, but she’s going to need money to pay the mortgage or get an apartment when they separate and the final child support settlement can take awhile to get worked out. In the meantime, you still need money for living expenses.

This exchange is exactly why I said to consult with an attorney first, before anything else (except maybe the therapist). I found a lot of the “legal advice” thrown around DCUM didn’t apply to my situation when I divorced.

OP, the lawyer will ask at your first visit to list all premarital and marriage assets and debts. So a step you can do today (since you can’t call an attorney until tomorrow) is start pulling together account statements and balances, and organize them. It’s tax season; a lot of people organize their finances this time of year, so you should be able to do it fairly unnoticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a job.

Get a job.

Get a job.

Until you have a job, he will have all the power.

This. It amazes me to what extremes women wiil go to to not work. OP included.

Job now.