Inlaws upset when I spend time with my family
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Anonymous
| My family lives out of state so I rarely see them. My in-laws live in a different state but within driving distance so they always come up and see us (and their other daughter who lives here). Every time I mention seeing my family, my inlaws make a comment about seeing them or spending time with them, when we see them every other month! When we visit them and i want to leave the house to pick up some food, they make it a big deal. It's almost like they want me in front of them at all times. I don't understand. My parents don't mind if my husband leaves to visit friends, why is it such an issue with them? How do I get them to respect me and my family when we spend time together? |
Anonymous
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You’ll never change them and their irrational behavior. You just have to stop caring.
If you know you’re sharing time as equally as possible, you have nothing to worry about. The issue is them, not you. |
Anonymous
I know this, but how do i let it from bothering me? they makes comments all the time and even dissed the country my parents are from. i never talk about my family to them, ever. maybe i should start talking about them. |
Anonymous
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You need to build stronger boundaries for yourself. That will help you brush off their comments and put them in perspective.
Perspective: Look at them as people who love and miss their kids/grandkids, and long to see them more often. (Imagine yourself once your kids are grown and far away.) They may not be able to express it without it feeling negative to you, but maybe that's all it is. Boundary: You don't have to take it personally or negatively. You see them as often as you can, and their missing you and wanting to see you more are their feelings to deal with. This can help you feel compassionate while shielding you from being made to feel bad or suffocated. |
Anonymous
Stop mentioning it. Seriously, just don't tell them when you see your family. It's none of their business. |
Anonymous
This. I’ve had to completely stop mentioning my parents. My MIL just gets too jealous. The less she knows, the better. |
Anonymous
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OP, I had this problem with my in laws too. A few things helped.
One thing was that I talked out my feelings with my DH about it. We discussed why his mother was so tit for tat, we discussed how it hurt my feelings because it made me feel like it was crime to enjoy my family, we discussed how she clearly had this false idea that we spent MORE time with my family which she translated into loving them more. We also discussed how this was false, and when you broke it down, she actually got much more time with us. Having several calm conversations with my DH about it really helped him see how his mother was hurting her relationship with me by making these comments. Which helped him stand up for ME in small ways. He stopped caving to her guilt trips because we could confidently say we knew we were being fair with our time. Instead of ignoring comments like "you spent the night at her brother's house and not mine!" (she lives locally, my brother does not) my DH would point out that we come to her house for Sunday dinner and never do that with my brother. Or he'd simply say "that's not a fair statement". I also used that last one. She'd make some sweeping comment that stung me and I'd just "I don't think that's fair". The other thing we did was to stop telling her about time spent. We wouldn't lie, but if we could skip mentioning a gathering or a trip, we would. If it came up organically, that was fine, like I said we never lied when asked. But if my mom spent the day with us and his mom asked what we did on Saturday, we'd tell her and just leave out the fact that my mom was there. This helped a LOT. So: toughen up, have your DH stand up in small ways (not big confrontations), and stop telling them so much about your family. It sucks, but soon it becomes second nature to sort of omit things about your family. It still sort of stings that my MIL sees my family as a threat instead of trying to love them and accept them. But I can't change her, and it's her loss really, because my family is awesome. And if she was awesome too, we could have all been awesome together. Instead she's lonely and kinda angry and my family is still awesome. |
Anonymous
if i don't mention my family, they act like they don't exist. it's ALWAYS about their family. When they see my kids, they never help out. ONce, they were visiting while my husband and i were at work and they wouldn't visit the kids at home. They waited until we got home. So strange. |
Anonymous
| ^ My MIL shot so bad I started a running tally of visits (I also include time.) Her visits FAR exceed my parents in time and amount. I had to use it last summer and it helped. |
Anonymous
So what! At least they won’t be giving you grief, isn’t that what you want? You. Will. Not. Change. Them. Repeat that. |
Anonymous
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My MIL does the same thing. She spent years manipulating every scenario so that we only spent time with her. I got wise to it quickly. It took a little time, but I put my foot down hard one holiday. And, sadly for her, she really paid the price of her behavior. She lives within a driveable distance for a weekend day, but we only see her for the length of a meal on major holidays. I never say no to visiting her. I just don’t plan to see her and my husband has no interest in making plans to see her himself. We now see her more often since she requires more care. And she still is the same wanting all of our time. We took her out for Thanksgiving and she was upset that we wouldn’t stay all day so I just piped up and said, “I know it’s hard to remember that I have a family too, but I do so we are going to leave now so we can spend some time with them too.” Responding to her directly and matter of factly shuts her down pretty quickly.
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Anonymous
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You are sharing too much info with them.
Keep your parents and ILs info seperate and do not share with any pair of parents. |
Anonymous
| OP, you are the one giving them the ammo. Why? Knowing what they do with it it's kinda stupid to still share the info. |
Anonymous
| If it keeps up I would have a log too. Then tell them “By our calculations we have spent 103 more hours with you so we’re off to visit my family next week to even things up! See you later!” That oughtta do it! |
Anonymous
| Will never understand why people complain about inlaws. They can say and do anything they want, but you don't have to accept it. DISENGAGE. |