My husband's mother is awful to him
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Anonymous
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I'm having trouble finding the best way to support my husband. His mother is not a good person. She left him with his dad when he was 2 and was a very erratic presence in his life as a child. Their relationship improved when he was in his 20s and 30s but it has still been very erratic. He's never really opened up to me about his needs with his mom until recently. Here's what happened:
She lives on a different continent. He travels there pretty regularly (probably 6 times a year) for work and sees her for lunch, dinner, etc. He has noticed that she's dealing with typical age-related struggles (a broken bone, reduced vision and hearing, forgetfulness). She's still living independently and has no other family but my husband. She sent him an email about a week ago saying that he was a terrible son because he didn't show enough concern about her broken bone and didn't help her with a financial issue. He replied (in what seemed like a kind way to me) that he wants to be of help to her. He had asked her a few times about her broken bone and she replied each time that she was fine. She never asked him for financial assistance. He said to her that maybe she thought she asked him for help, but in actuality she forgot to ask him. And he reminded her of the times he did ask about her health and she said she was fine. He told her that he cares about her and that maybe she should get some help with her hearing, forgetfulness etc. It seemed like a gentle and kind response to her. She didn't take it that way - she replied to him that he was mean for implying that she was old and forgetful and that they would never be on the same page. She told him she never wanted to talk to him or see him again. She followed it up with an email to me saying she didn't want to hear from or see me again (prior to this we had a cordial relationship, occasional emails exchanging pleasantries). A few days ago I was taking my husband to the airport (he's going back to the place he's from and I guess knowing he wouldn't see his mom prompted him to open up a little to me). He said he wishes he had a good relationship with her. I took it to mean that he wishes she was a different person, someone who was loving and suited to motherhood (which, clearly, she is not). He corrected me and said he never needed a loving or nurturing mom, he just wants a mom who is not erratic and lashes out. I don't know how to talk to him about it, if at all. He's not going to get what he needs from her. She's probably going to pop up again in a few months and resume this yo-yo relationship with him. Has anyone supported their spouse when dealing with a mean/erratic parent? Thanks for any advice or help you can give. |
Anonymous
| A woman? Erratic? I dont believe you. FWIW, my MIL is one the most erratic, vindictive, self-centered and poorest excuses of a human I’ve ever known. Even her own kids can’t stand her. |
Anonymous
| Her plea for financial help is her priority. She was just using her complaints about him not inquiring about her health as a guilt-inducing cover. I hope for your husband's and your sanity that she means it when she declares she never wants to see or talk to you guys again. Good riddance. But she doesn't mean it because she wants money. She'll be back. In the meantime, get your husband into therapy. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like she's getting old and needs extra care. Not that she's actually awful to him. |
Anonymous
She sent him an email literally telling him he was a terrible son - to me that's pretty awful. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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I don't understand your surprise and despair, OP. This is a woman who abandoned her child, and you're wondering why she's erratic and extreme? It sounds as if she's had problems all her life, perhaps due to childhood abuse or mental illness. Whatever it is, your husband can't help her if she refuses help and now refuses to see him. It sounds as if you kept hoping you'd have a normal MIL. Stop, and let your husband mourn the relationship. For your information, many people have very bad relationships with their parents. It's not the end of the world. Move on. |
Anonymous
I don't think you read my post. If moving on is the way to go, great. But my question was how do I support my husband and help him with this? He's fairly stoic and it was unusual for him to open up to me about his feelings - I think he really needs support and 'm hoping to hear from other people who have helped a partner deal with a parent like her. |
Anonymous
I did read your post. You're worried about nothing much. He'll get over it. Your job is to listen, make sympathetic noises, suggest that her extreme reaction is not personal against him, but due to whatever trauma or illness she is suffering from. I am married to a stoic, non-communicative man. He doesn't need much of my help, even when his little brother died of a brain tumor and we couldn't make it to his deathbed because the end came too rapidly. When he opens up, he wants me to listen, that's all. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Pretend you’re an actress and your role is to be a supportive wife. Say oh hunny that’s so tough! I’m here for you  that’s about it. Otherwise MYOB! It’s out of your control. My mom married 30+ years constantly butches about her in laws. I told her today you might as well be speaking Chinese because no one gives two shits!
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Anonymous
| Every.day. My MIL at one time was a nurturing and present Mom but later in life became erratic and nasty. Over time, she became very unkind and also forgetful and lashing out. It may be that his mother is developing a form of dementia, which has been what my MIL has now at 86. To answer your question, it sounds like your husband understands that it's not him but her inability to mother that is the issue--and he's been a kind son. I'd suggest praying for her and moving on. I suspect she may contact him again because the beginnings of dementia makes you forget much of what you said most recently. Sending prayers for you all. |
Anonymous
| Could be early dementia |
Anonymous
| Just gently remind your DH that she is who she is and no amount of 11th hour help is going to make her be the mom he wanted her to be. He should accept that she loved him but not in the way he wanted or they way she should have as a mother. It might also be interesting to find out why she left when he was little. Is it possible she knew that she would do even more damage by staying and being resentful? |
Anonymous
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I'm surprised no one has mentioned that your husband should try speaking with a therapist. I have issues with my own parents and siblings, and speaking with a therapist on a regular basis for several months helped me sort through those issues, recognize the situation for what it was, mourn the relationship I always wanted with my family but never got, and learn how to move forward by setting boundaries and realistic expectations. It helped tremendously! World of difference for me.
Maybe a few therapy sessions could help your hubby too. Good luck OP! |