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[quote=Anonymous]I'm having trouble finding the best way to support my husband. His mother is not a good person. She left him with his dad when he was 2 and was a very erratic presence in his life as a child. Their relationship improved when he was in his 20s and 30s but it has still been very erratic. He's never really opened up to me about his needs with his mom until recently. Here's what happened:

She lives on a different continent. He travels there pretty regularly (probably 6 times a year) for work and sees her for lunch, dinner, etc. He has noticed that she's dealing with typical age-related struggles (a broken bone, reduced vision and hearing, forgetfulness). She's still living independently and has no other family but my husband. She sent him an email about a week ago saying that he was a terrible son because he didn't show enough concern about her broken bone and didn't help her with a financial issue. He replied (in what seemed like a kind way to me) that he wants to be of help to her. He [i]had[/i] asked her a few times about her broken bone and she replied each time that she was fine. She never asked him for financial assistance. He said to her that maybe she [i]thought[/i] she asked him for help, but in actuality she forgot to ask him. And he reminded her of the times he did ask about her health and she said she was fine. He told her that he cares about her and that maybe she should get some help with her hearing, forgetfulness etc. It seemed like a gentle and kind response to her. She didn't take it that way - she replied to him that he was mean for implying that she was old and forgetful and that they would never be on the same page. She told him she never wanted to talk to him or see him again. She followed it up with an email to me saying she didn't want to hear from or see me again (prior to this we had a cordial relationship, occasional emails exchanging pleasantries).

A few days ago I was taking my husband to the airport (he's going back to the place he's from and I guess knowing he wouldn't see his mom prompted him to open up a little to me). He said he wishes he had a good relationship with her. I took it to mean that he wishes she was a different person, someone who was loving and suited to motherhood (which, clearly, she is not). He corrected me and said he never needed a loving or nurturing mom, he just wants a mom who is not erratic and lashes out.

I don't know how to talk to him about it, if at all. He's not going to get what he needs from her. She's probably going to pop up again in a few months and resume this yo-yo relationship with him. Has anyone supported their spouse when dealing with a mean/erratic parent? Thanks for any advice or help you can give.[/quote]

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