Question For Anyone Who Has Experienced Infidelity

[Anonymous]

We are not married, have been together 12 years, have three children. His house, not mine. I SAH. I caught him in a lie tonight that seems to have opened a door full of "omg, it all makes sense now".... if that makes any sense. Catching him in this lie sort of jerked my eyes open to some things that I had put in the back of my head and felt funny about. So, my question I guess is this, if you were in a relationship where someone cheated was your gut correct? Did you just "know", or did you find it a surprise? If someone lies to your face, lies actually on multiple occasions how do you believe them when they insist they are telling the truth?

I could tell you what happened but my heart hurts too much right now to bother typing it out. I feel so betrayed and sad and hopeless right now. And my kids. And I have nothing. I can't even leave if I wanted to, I have nothing. I want to think I am wrong but I'm not, so what do I do?

[Anonymous]

sorry to hear
I also had an OMG moment
you can still get support etc depending on where you live....
If you feel it's not worth trying to fix, then get in touch with a lawyer

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart goes out to you... I was one of the kids when my mom found out what daddy did. Once mom caught him on the lie he didn't dare to stand. He apologized and after a week sleeping on the couch he put some strength together to talk to me and my brother.
My family was broken, financially and emotionally. His repent brought us together and my mom swears that today she's happier than she has ever been in her 30 year marriage life.
I pray to God that touches your husband's heart to recognize his mistake, apologize and give him strength to be the man he has to be to fix it.
Right now, I would get some privacy and talk to God to clear your mind from your emotions and give you wisdom to act with reason. Your children are the priority and they need you sane and wise.
God bless.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you qualify for common law marriage. Do you live in DC?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage_in_the_United_States

[Anonymous]

I saw an innocent email, but I asked him about it and he told me it was spam. And he lied to my face. And I cannot believe anything he says. Maybe he isn't cheating but why lie then? Why?

[Anonymous]

so you don't even know if he's cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so you don't even know if he's cheating?

I know he is having an inappropriate relationship with a female he dated years ago, at worst sexual, at best emotional.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut. It is rarely wrong.

My dh has always had female friends, and I was never jealous. And then there was one that I just knew was different. He lied to me about it for 10 months, but it turns out I was right. It was hell knowing but not knowing - that uncertainty is soul-crushing.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. It is rarely wrong.

My dh has always had female friends, and I was never jealous. And then there was one that I just knew was different. He lied to me about it for 10 months, but it turns out I was right. It was hell knowing but not knowing - that uncertainty is soul-crushing.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Right, that is exactly how I feel. He has other female friends that are no biggie. This one is someone he dated before he met me, kinda kept in touch with her but was always secretive about her. So I see this email over his shoulder tonight and ask him about hit, he says it is spam. Wtf. I can see it isn't spam so I press the issue and he gives in. Opens it and shows me. She is asking him what he thinks of something. He tells me it is a random email and I am insistent that she would not "randomly" email him out of the blue asking his opinion on this topic. So he basically lies to my face ten times in a matter of minutes. Then tells me she is getting a divorce. Really? So she is out of his life over ten years and pops back in because she is getting a divorce. Does that scream "other woman who needs comfort" to you? My heart just sank when I saw her name and to top it off he lies to my face about it.

My gut just sank, and all the weird feelings and lies and being late and not answering the phone just kind of fell into place. I want to say I am jumping the gun but I dont think I am.

[Anonymous]

OP, It's time to sit with him and talk. SERIOUSLY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, It's time to sit with him and talk. SERIOUSLY!

But what do I even say? Hey! I know that name! You use to date her, like 14 years ago! And I was looking over your shoulder and peeked on accident at your private email that you are all secretive about and saw her name and asked you and you LIED. You told me it was SPAM. You continued to LIE. And I dont believe a word you say!


I'm being sad and hopeless, not snarky. It's like I can hold the lie in my hand but it runs through my fingers like sand and I lose it. It's like I can feel my guy telling me what is going on but I hear him telling me I am crazy.

But you know how the reaction tells it all, he reacts one way when he is caught, another way when I am wrong and he defends himself? Well, he acted nice and calm and stayed quiet. If I had accused him of something that he did not to, oh boy, would I have heard an earful from him.

So.... I can't eat and I am feeling batty and I want to throw up.

[Anonymous]

I've had several ex boyfriends contact me when they break up or get divorced, and yes they are looking for emotional comfort and/or sex. I never gave it to them, though. Even if I e-mailed them a few times. It might not be your partner's most shining moment, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's cheated.

Sit him down, tell him you don't want to lay blame anywhere, but you feel uncomfortable with his contact with this woman. What can "we" do about it? Try to engage him as a partner in this situation and not as a perpetrator.

I'm not saying he isn't cheating, because of course I don't know. But it's worth a discussion first.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you say you have nothing - he is going to have to provide support for his kids. Just because you are not legally married doesn't mean you have NO rights as the mother of his children. How old is your youngest? Just wondering how long you have until the youngest is school aged, which makes working somewhat easier and less expensive.

You need to talk to a lawyer ($300 for an initial hour long consultation) and find out what your options are. It doesn't sound like he's forcing you out. Worst case, maybe you let him have his affair (gag) until your youngest is school aged and you can get a job, get after school care, and get out of there.

FYI in my town (Fairfax) we have all day kindergarten and a great preschool that has a sliding tuition scale. It made a world of difference for a lot of single moms.

Also, as someone who experienced infidelity - a discussion is pointless. If he is unfaithful, he will continue to lie and deny. If he is not being unfaithful, he will of course deny it. All you are going to get are denials. And, it may be that he is not yet having a sexual relationship with her, that it is just at the emotional affiar stage. So he will deny, deny, deny - and act offended and angry that you would even ask him.

You need to start using condoms during sex. Tell him your doctor took you off the pill for medical reasons or something - your blood pressure was up for example.

And, if you have access to the computer, try installing "google desktop" to search his computer for key phrases like her name, "love", "sex" all the dirty words, your name, her spouse's name, words like "kids", "move out" anythign else you can think of that he might say about you to her in an email. This is how I found my ex's emails with his lover.

Also, there is no reason why you have to take immediate action. You don't have to move out tomorrow. You can talk to a lawyer, take your time, make your plans, line up your options, etc. etc.


Get the book, What Every Woman needs to Know about Divorce. You are not technically married but much of it will apply to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you.
DH had an emotional affair a few years ago and that sick-to-my-stomach knowing-but-not-knowing feeling was horrible. Horrible. But in my case, I confronted him about it during a time that was not "in the moment". I waited until the kids were in bed, when he wasn't (yet) in front of his computer, when he was pretty calm and sort of least suspecting. I had written out what I wanted to say, and kept things to pretty basic facts: I feel like something's going on, I feel neglected, I feel like your attention is elsewhere, I want to stay together, do you feel the same? He spent the first few minutes of the conversation denying there was anything different, but then, I pressed on the "I just feel like your attention is elsewhere" aspect, and he finally admitted he was having more than friendly email contact with the other person. To DH's credit, he said he wanted to stay together, and agreed pretty much on the spot to go to couples counseling. I saved up all my crying and accusations for the therapy sessions--I didn't feel like I could even talk about those feelings without a "safe" third party. Eventually, DH went into individual counseling, and then stuck with that for several years. I don't know if we're "all fixed" or not, but we've achieved a peace and mutual respect.

[Anonymous]

PP, During the time that you saved up all your crying and accusations for the therapy sessions how did you interact with your hubby?

I mean weren't the thoughts of what he had done to you and your marriage "always right there" in front of your face and your mind?

How did you survive waiting for the therapy sessions?