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Question For Anyone Who Has Experienced Infidelity
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Anonymous
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Op-Go with your gut. If you say your partner is secretive about his email acct you have to ask yourself "Why".
And yes, you say exactly what you think you'd say..."I glanced at your pc while you were looking at your email and saw her name. I know that name from years ago..blah blah" I watched a 20/20 or some other news show and it had the guy who goes on Oprah and talks about how Men cheat and why. He mainly says that Men cheat because of something emotional. I am not saying this is your fault, but if you and your partner want to work on the relationship, he is going to have to establish his trust back and you are going to have to start appreciating him more. Maybe you should suggest that you have the Password to his email account. |
Anonymous
He says it is private and I am nosey. |
Anonymous
11:13 again. How did I save up the crying and accusations? I think I kind of "left my body" in a way. I was shell shocked and angry and upside down and embarrassed and felt so alone, so I think it was like a survival mode. I did what I needed to do to "keep it together" for the kids' sake (made meals, drove them where they needed to go, etc.), and then when the kids were in bed, I would google divorce sites, or infidelity sites, or match.com. I couldn't stand being around him and tried to avoid him, even though part of me wanted to monitor what he was doing on the computer. In terms of the therapy sessions, we went twice a week for 75 minutes each time for the first month or so. A couple of times, I took the kids with me to visit my parents--which I had never done alone--and told my parents that DH was busy with work. We stayed together, though. We're a few years out and have both put a lot of work into therapy and have had some amazing times as a couple since then, but I am still working on the forgiveness part. There are scars. |
Anonymous
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This is OP. I asked him and he told me there was nothing going on. He told me that he emailed her and told her she had to stop contacting him. BUT he has his own laptop and funny enough he WILLNOTOPEN his email account now. Wont open it. He never closes it. Last night he sat on the laptop and would not check his email which I find fishy.
Do I believe him or do I press the issue. I stated my case to him, I was calm, I explained why I thought what I did. He was calm and he responded very thoughtfully. I just still do not believe him. So now am I being jealous or paranoid. Why is life so tough? Seriously. |
Anonymous
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I honestly think that if there was nothing to hide he would let you see his email account...just to prove you wrong and the he is indeed telling the truth...the burden of proof is on him since he already admitted to talking to her.
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Anonymous
Great point, thank you. I feel like I want to vomit. I just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, but I'm afraid to tell him what you just said. He is going to complain I am not dropping the issue. |
Anonymous
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The worst part of infidelity is the "gaslighting", which I leared the technical name for on this site, from another poster. This is when the cheater tries to hide their bad behavior by telling you YOU are the problem. You're paranoid, you're nosey, you're crazy, you're imagining things, you're overreacting.... you get the point.
People cheat ALL the time. Especially men (IMHO). Be honest. Have you felt like your relationship has problems? In your gut do you think he's cheating or not? Go with your gut. But be SMART. You don't have to go off the deep end with accusationsor even sit down and have a "talk". You can just investigate and plan for the worst while you hope for the best. One thing I did. I contacted the other woman and told her I had all the evidence and if she EVER went near my spouse again I would send it all to HER husband. I'm sure the other woman in your case would not like that to suddenly come up during her divorce! |
Anonymous
I have no idea how to contact this person. Her name is VERY common and I'm not even sure what city she lives in. I could snatch her email from his laptop I guess but I can't get into his email. I dont even want to try to get into his email. |
Anonymous
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as much as someone might want to, and as tempting and satisfying it sounds to be able to contact the other woman... i dont' think it really does so much good. because you know your problem is with your husband and he is the one who needs to be dealt with.
but i honestly don't know how to deal with a man who will keep denying and hiding and denying and never own up to what he's doing. just know you are not nuts. |
Anonymous
I have a feeling he would be LIVID with me if I attempted to contact her. LIVID. I know this isn't my fault. Regardless of what relationship issues we experience as a couple, turning to another person is not acceptable. I just want to stop feeling so sick and faint-y. |
Anonymous
New poster to this thread - and sorry to hijack. But I think you learned the term gaslighting from me actually! I remember your post and I remember using that term. Did things end up working out for you??? |
Anonymous
| OP, it is possible he's done what he said he would do. These days, it is so easy for him to avoid your snooping if he wants to - just open another gmail account you know nothing about and have her contact him on it, etc. The fact he won't show you or won't open his e-mail in front of you could mean either (1) he is not very smart and is continuing to contact her through that account, or (2) he did do what he said and thinks you are being too over the top in pushing this. If it is (2), he has to do something to show you confidence even if he doesn't show you the e-mail account. He can't just blow off your feelings. You definitely have a problem - the question is which one it is. I agree with the PPs who said go with your gut. |
Anonymous
| I think all emails/phones, etc, should be accessible to your partner. Why should there be ANY reason to hide or not have it accessible if the other person asks? My boyfriend is next to me on the couch and leans over to see my email inbox. Who cares? If he ever wanted to be nosy and asks about someone or an email - I tell him. If you're in a commited relationship who the heck cares?? I'd be very leery if my husband said something was "personal" and I wasn't allowed to read/view it. They are obviously hiding something. Now, I would probably be annoyed if my bf logged into my email account every day and read everything. But I know he won't - especially since I'm an open book!!! This just sounds fishy to me. I would flat out ask him to log on to his email account. If he refuses, I would dump him. |
Anonymous
I agree with you in theory but I can't really "dump" him. We have a life and a family together and it's not as easy as dumping him. We did have an enlightening talk yesterday, which was nice to have. But the email and the lies and the just plain old acting odd has me on edge. It sucks. |
Anonymous
No, but you can put your foot down and tell him to open up his life to you or get out until he does. It's just unacceptable to flat out tell you you aren't allowed to look at something. Why would you want such deception in your home? |