How would you handle this with DH who is emotionally detached?

[Anonymous]

My DH is a very good man in many respects which I really appreciate and I love him. Close knit family with 2 kids. He is good in talking about everything apart from our relationship or anything sexual. It pretty makes me sad but I have learned to live with it. One big problem however is that I have found him severally heavily flirting with other women. It makes me furious and I really express my dispesure. To him, he feels that I over react and should not make it such a big deal. I really want to be understanding but my motivation is so down and I am not able to pretend I am ok or let it go.

I have tried to analyze why I feel this way and I think it is mostly because while he is very sexually free with this women, he can hardly have a sexual related conversation with me. To make it worse, all the beautiful things he tells these women are more or less what I really desire to hear from him, He heavily sexts another woman but will not with me. From the men, am I being unreasonable to feel violated or emotionally denied?

Our sex life is fair, 3x per week on average. Foreplay is not the best and I struggle. I enjoy being with him and try my best to be there for him, to initiate more and I generally don’t turn his advances. I am now so demotivated after getting fresh steamy texts between him and another married woman he used to know in college. I know it’s not sexual but he tells me he finds it easier to talk sexually with women he cannot see or will never meet. Just to mention, he has told me I encourage his behavior because I don’t let him go down on me often and I don’t like being naked with him. To a resonable extend its true and I will working on it. But again, I find it so hard to do this when he does not have an eye for me, does not encourage me. I only learned about this when we were talking about why I feel bad that he is sexting another woman so much.

Could like to hear from those who have been in such situation on how to handle without breaking the rest of the relationship that is pretty ok. I just feel he is very insensitive to my desires and feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think you're kidding yourself if you think emotional detachment is the problem here.

Are you American? Your writing sounds like you're not. It's pertinent only because you may be viewing this through the lens of a different culture.


Your DH is sexting with other women--there is no excuse for that. Period. Have a talk with him about how inappropriate that is. how would he like you to do that? THAT is your biggest problem. He is NOT a good man if he keeps doing this.

Wake up.

[Anonymous]

You not making any sense.

1. You are having sex three times a week and you are complaining??? There are married couples who don't have sex three times a month or even three times a year! On top of this you have two kids??? Wow, three times a week or above average for a couple who has two kids.

2. Why are you not comfortable bing naked around him? I mean....you have kids...you have sex...do you think he doesn't know what you look like? The ONLY reason there could be is if you have self esteem issues. Work on that.

Seems the main issue is you. While your husband shouldn't flirt in front of women, you need to figure out why you are unattached emotionally. From your post both of you are emotional issues not just him. I mean....you have issues being nude in front of him? Really? All the while having sex three times a week???

Something does not add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You not making any sense.

1. You are having sex three times a week and you are complaining??? There are married couples who don't have sex three times a month or even three times a year! On top of this you have two kids??? Wow, three times a week or above average for a couple who has two kids.

2. Why are you not comfortable bing naked around him? I mean....you have kids...you have sex...do you think he doesn't know what you look like? The ONLY reason there could be is if you have self esteem issues. Work on that.

Seems the main issue is you. While your husband shouldn't flirt in front of women, you need to figure out why you are unattached emotionally. From your post both of you are emotional issues not just him. I mean....you have issues being nude in front of him? Really? All the while having sex three times a week???

Something does not add up.

To be clear, i don’t have issue with the sex, I enjoy it. I said the fact that he flirts too much is affecting me. Should I feel bad that he is flirting too much? I want us to discuss our sexual side of things. Is it wrong to want that especially if he is able to verbalize on text with other women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You not making any sense.

1. You are having sex three times a week and you are complaining??? There are married couples who don't have sex three times a month or even three times a year! On top of this you have two kids??? Wow, three times a week or above average for a couple who has two kids.

2. Why are you not comfortable bing naked around him? I mean....you have kids...you have sex...do you think he doesn't know what you look like? The ONLY reason there could be is if you have self esteem issues. Work on that.

Seems the main issue is you. While your husband shouldn't flirt in front of women, you need to figure out why you are unattached emotionally. From your post both of you are emotional issues not just him. I mean....you have issues being nude in front of him? Really? All the while having sex three times a week???

Something does not add up.

To be clear, i don’t have issue with the sex, I enjoy it. I said the fact that he flirts too much is affecting me. Should I feel bad that he is flirting too much? I want us to discuss our sexual side of things. Is it wrong to want that especially if he is able to verbalize on text with other women?

To be clear: he should not be "flirting"--sexting--with other women.

[Anonymous]

Leave. He can't be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Sexting with other women isn't flirting. I might forgive such behaviour, as I don't consider it exactly cheating, but I also wouldn't stay in a marriage where that was considered normal. That's not normal.

[Anonymous]

I would never allow my husband to sext with another woman. I would also have a problem with him flirting. How do you think he would feel if you did this?
If he continues to do this , it could lead to an emotional affair if it hasn't already. Get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass

[Anonymous]

Define sexting? You seem like a person who may be too sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define sexting? You seem like a person who may be too sensitive.

OP here. Deep continuos sexual conversations with another woman. For example about her vagina and how she is sweet etc. commenting and complementing her photos in a sexual manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define sexting? You seem like a person who may be too sensitive.

OP here. Deep continuos sexual conversations with another woman. For example about her vagina and how she is sweet etc. commenting and complementing her photos in a sexual manner.

Lol!!!! yeah, right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define sexting? You seem like a person who may be too sensitive.

OP here. Deep continuos sexual conversations with another woman. For example about her vagina and how she is sweet etc. commenting and complementing her photos in a sexual manner.

How is this okay with you?! You know that's not okay, right? Does he think this is normal for a married man?

[Anonymous]

Is this for real?

A married person sending/receiving those kinds of texts is NOT normal if you're not ok with it. Most people would not accept that. It's not within the ok range.

[Anonymous]

Your husband may be emotionally detached, but the bigger problem is that he's cheating on you.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand why this would cause you to feel violated and emotionally denied. I agree with you that this behavior should not be happening and I think you're right to not pretend that it's okay or that you're okay with it when you're not. Do you think he would be willing to go see a counselor with you? My husband and I went through a difficult season where we on very different pages with the problem at hand, and we just couldn't resolve it on our own so finally we went to counseling. I personally found it so helpful as I felt like I finally had some support and help in getting my husband to understand where I was coming from. They really helped us work through it in a way where we both felt safe and supported. Even if your husband might not be willing to go, maybe it could be a place where you could find some support. I really hope things get better, and you are able to find some support.