If you can't change your partner....

[Anonymous]

Everyone always says you can't change anybody else, all you can do is change yourself. So what exactly do people do when they're married to a slob who is great playing with the kids but absolutely crap at cleaning up behind himself (let alone the children)? A) live with the mess or B) clean it up with a smile?

Even if DH would agree to a weekly house cleaner, there are still the daily messes he makes that I frankly don't want to live in. The man can't even clean up the kitchen counter after he makes himself a sandwich! I'm talking the bread, sandwich fillings, and knives are left sitting out on the counter with crumbs everywhere. I'd made peace with being the only one to do any of the weekly apartment cleaning, but have found it is the cleaning up behind him that really frustrates me. Kids are kids, but DH is an ADULT!. However, if I don't clean up the mess he leaves, I have to live in it too. He claims we just have different standards. I clean the bathroom every weekend. He says it isn't worth cleaning anything until it is dirty. (we have one bathroom for a family of 4, oldest child is 4). Sure my ideal is different than his (I'd love all cupboards and drawers to be perfectly organized) but I'm not asking or expecting that. I'm asking him to sell or throw away the crap that has been sitting on the floor on his side of the bed for 6 months, to put his clothes in the hamper or hang them up when he changes his clothes, and to clean up the kitchen after he makes something for himself. This seems like the basic courtesy and consideration you would show a roommate. Isn't that a pretty low bar? He's also capable of doing these things when we're visiting family or friends.

During a recent conversation about how I feel like he leaves all the chores to me and does all the fun things with the kids, he says to me "isn't that a great thing for our kids? They have a parent who is always wiling to play with them, and one who takes care of everything else they need!" I was completely speechless. Previously I'd thought he was just blind to the disparity, but clearly he is aware!. He paused, and said, "well, maybe that isn't such a great thing for you, but it seems great for the kids." So if I can't change him, where do I go from here?

For a bit more context, we both work full time. As far as academics go he definitely has the more prestigious resume, though I have the stronger work ethic and earn a little more (hasn't always been this way). We've been married 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Ask him.if it is great for the kids to see Mom doing all the chores while Dad gets to have fun. What kind of gender message does that send to boys and girls?

In our case DH is messy, and doesn't clean we have cleaners. I relaxed standards, yes we have crap around. DH does all the grocery shopping and errands and does dishes after I cook. I spend more time in the house and deal with crap, clutter, mail, vacuuming, wipe down, etc.

Ask him to take on the burden is other ways, discuss cleaners, and relax your standards so you too can spend more time with the kids..it's not ideal but you'll be happier if you can.

[Anonymous]

Among the gifts we give our kids, including spending time with them and playing, is teaching them how to be grown up one day.

They’re both important ways to spend time with kids. He needs to see this.

To start, give him one job at a time. While he’s playing with the kids, say, “oh man this trash can is really full. Kids did you see that? It would mean SO much of you guys would work together to take it out & put the new bag in.”

Repeat a few times each day.

I would also explicitly have that conversation with him beforehand—that both things are important experiences to share with the kids—playing with them AND teaching them how to handle the chores. Have a short convo beforehand so when you do the trash can request, you can wink at him.

He’ll get better at this the more clear you are.

[Anonymous]

While he’s playing with the kids, interrupt and say: “Hey, time to switch! Mom gets to play while dad takes out the trash and cleans up the kitchen!”

Then join in having fun with your kids. It’s what he wants— one parent playing with the kids while the other is taking care of their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him.if it is great for the kids to see Mom doing all the chores while Dad gets to have fun. What kind of gender message does that send to boys and girls?

In our case DH is messy, and doesn't clean we have cleaners. I relaxed standards, yes we have crap around. DH does all the grocery shopping and errands and does dishes after I cook. I spend more time in the house and deal with crap, clutter, mail, vacuuming, wipe down, etc.

Ask him to take on the burden is other ways, discuss cleaners, and relax your standards so you too can spend more time with the kids..it's not ideal but you'll be happier if you can.

+1

...and most importantly accept him as he is so that he can accept you as you are. I have a husband very similar to you, pp. It took some biting my tongue in the first 16 years of my marriage to accept my husband's careless ways. However, when I was diagnosed with a debilitating illness six years ago he stepped in to take care of the kids, work full time, cook three meals and take care of me. His years of not being unnecessarily bothered about small things meant that he was not burdened with things that were non-essential in the grand scheme of things and prioritize what needed to be done. He is thankful for what we have and was able to adjust to real adversity in a way that showed more resiliency than I have. He has taken care of me cheerfully, without resentment, without bitching and moaning, without being run down. Yes, the house is still messy, we have the tendency to shove stuff and clutter in trash bags and hide it in the basement when guests come - but, we have healthy children, good social life, financial security and a strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaner.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a good husband and father, just disorganized. I like some of the above suggestions. Tell him you'd like to tag team with the kids, and he can still be involved with them while he's cleaning from another room. You can make this work, and end with a happy solution that works for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

See a counselor with how to deal with this before you lose all attraction and respect for him. Finding both coping methods (for living with a clueless partner who is a slob), how to raise responsible kids, and how to motivate him to be an adult.

Is he inattentive? Hyperactive? Forgetful? Doesn’t listen well? Messes up and hides it?

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling sounds the way to go. You just gotta frame it right to your husband so he isn't like "wtf is wrong with our marriage?!"

[Anonymous]

You are right that you cannot change him, but you can change how you react to the things that he does, or doesn't do. My husband is similar in that he never wipes the counter/table after cooking or eating...this drives me crazy! But, I found that nagging never works, and trying to rationalize with him didn't help. What did help was for me to let it go, grab the dish cloth and wipe away. Instead of focusing on what he doesn't do, I switched my mind into focusing on what he does do-and then being thankful. It is awesome that he plays with your children! Join in with them! There will always be things to clean, and as your children get older, set expectations for them to help. Your 4 year old is probably already old enough to help sort laundry, help empty/load dishwasher and empty garbage. You could also institute a family chore chart-including chores for your husband to do

[Anonymous]

I do think you need counseling. I also think he might have ADD.

[Anonymous]

Like in the other thread, I'm staying for the kids. My husband has mental health issues he refuses to treat - there is no way we can share custody. Since he presents well, he would get 50 percent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While he’s playing with the kids, interrupt and say: “Hey, time to switch! Mom gets to play while dad takes out the trash and cleans up the kitchen!”

Then join in having fun with your kids. It’s what he wants— one parent playing with the kids while the other is taking care of their needs.

No. Don't do this. You need to address it off line directly with him and work to agree on a solution together. If you dictate a solution to him it will fail. Don't treat him with less courtesy than you would a direct report at work who you would address privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a good husband and father, just disorganized. I like some of the above suggestions. Tell him you'd like to tag team with the kids, and he can still be involved with them while he's cleaning from another room. You can make this work, and end with a happy solution that works for the whole family.

No, he sounds like a shit husband and a Fun Dad (TM). He told her to her face it's his ideal that she do all the work and he gets all the enjoyment. That's not a good husband and father.

[Anonymous]

Therapy stat. YOU can't change him, but you can more clearly communicate your bottom line, and then maybe he will change himself. Alternatively, you can come to a level of acceptance about the situation and take the steps you need to take -- for instance, hiring a cleaner even if he disagrees.