DH won’t treat anxiety

[Anonymous]

2.5 years ago we had a tumultuous summer - trouble selling old home, major issues with new home, death in the family - DH had self-medicated very minor anxiety along with significant chronic pain with pot. He stopped smoking just prior to the issues coming up, so withdrawal was a compounding issue. He had a breakdown and became mostly non-functional. Didn’t need hospitalization (almost) but psych visits every other day and a myriad of medications. Wasn’t allowed to drive for 3-4 weeks and couldn’t be left alone. Family stayed with us to help. After about 6-8 weeks he stabilized on Lexapro. Eventually weaned himself off Lexapro (without telling me ... I knew he intended to but he didn’t tell me when he actually decided to do it) because he didn’t like side effects. No libido, can’t drink at all, an some other minor stuff. Went back to the self-medicating. A few months ago he, unbeknownst to me, decided that he was worried he was going to get caught with pot and would lose custody or something (irrational given how conscientious he is about when, where and how much he smokes) and also started worrying about long term health effects of smoking (mostly avoided if he’d switch to a vaporizer). He stopped smoking without telling me. Three weeks ago he had another breakdown and it’s still going on. He’s not in bad enough shape to need hospitalization but refuses to do anything to treat the situation. Finally started to wean on Lexapro yesterday but is now having a horrible day and saying he won’t take anymore. One day he says he thinks he should go back to self-medicating and then the next that he should do pharmaceuticals.

The kids are starting to notice that somethings wrong and I’m starting to lose it from the stress. He want to talk every 15-30 minutes - the same conversation about how sad he is (I am too and I understand), how he wishes this weren’t happening, how he doesn’t know whether to do natural or pharmaceutical. It was a productive conversation the first 5 or so times but he won’t take anyone’s advice, not even a doctor or psych and it’s been the same conversation multiple times a day for three week.

I don’t know what to do. Anyone BTDT? Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

I’m a DH that has suffered terribly with depression and anxiety. Fortunately I’m able to be honest and get help, and help myself.

Your husband has to WANT to get better. Does he want to? Have you asked him what’s stopping him from getting help?

Perhaps you need to go speak with a mental health professional first, to create a plan for yourself to get him to treatment.

[Anonymous]

I have suffered from terrible anxiety and depression. It is very important that your husband stop taking weed. It makes anxiety much worse. He has to leave it alone totally. Next, if he does not like the effects of medicine, many of which suck and people tend to downplay, he should look into natural alternative options. Natural things that have helped me are: passionflower tincture, St. John's wort, and lemon balm. I take all three regularly like I would prescription medicine. He also needs to look into coping mechanisms and apply them. Can you figure out what spurs the anxiety? Start there. Lastly, he needs to exercise regularly (no exceptions) and get maximum sunlight. The exercise should be vigorous and average at least 30 mins a day. Good luck OP! You all can get through this. He just needs to be disciplined in tackling things, and you need to remain a supportive good listener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have suffered from terrible anxiety and depression. It is very important that your husband stop taking weed. It makes anxiety much worse. He has to leave it alone totally. Next, if he does not like the effects of medicine, many of which suck and people tend to downplay, he should look into natural alternative options. Natural things that have helped me are: passionflower tincture, St. John's wort, and lemon balm. I take all three regularly like I would prescription medicine. He also needs to look into coping mechanisms and apply them. Can you figure out what spurs the anxiety? Start there. Lastly, he needs to exercise regularly (no exceptions) and get maximum sunlight. The exercise should be vigorous and average at least 30 mins a day. Good luck OP! You all can get through this. He just needs to be disciplined in tackling things, and you need to remain a supportive good listener.

Um no. For some people weed is used to treat anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Same convo every 10-15 mins is not “natural” territory. He needs a psychiatrist and he needs one immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2.5 years ago we had a tumultuous summer - trouble selling old home, major issues with new home, death in the family - DH had self-medicated very minor anxiety along with significant chronic pain with pot. He stopped smoking just prior to the issues coming up, so withdrawal was a compounding issue. He had a breakdown and became mostly non-functional. Didn’t need hospitalization (almost) but psych visits every other day and a myriad of medications. Wasn’t allowed to drive for 3-4 weeks and couldn’t be left alone. Family stayed with us to help. After about 6-8 weeks he stabilized on Lexapro. Eventually weaned himself off Lexapro (without telling me ... I knew he intended to but he didn’t tell me when he actually decided to do it) because he didn’t like side effects. No libido, can’t drink at all, an some other minor stuff. Went back to the self-medicating. A few months ago he, unbeknownst to me, decided that he was worried he was going to get caught with pot and would lose custody or something (irrational given how conscientious he is about when, where and how much he smokes) and also started worrying about long term health effects of smoking (mostly avoided if he’d switch to a vaporizer). He stopped smoking without telling me. Three weeks ago he had another breakdown and it’s still going on. He’s not in bad enough shape to need hospitalization but refuses to do anything to treat the situation. Finally started to wean on Lexapro yesterday but is now having a horrible day and saying he won’t take anymore. One day he says he thinks he should go back to self-medicating and then the next that he should do pharmaceuticals.

The kids are starting to notice that somethings wrong and I’m starting to lose it from the stress. He want to talk every 15-30 minutes - the same conversation about how sad he is (I am too and I understand), how he wishes this weren’t happening, how he doesn’t know whether to do natural or pharmaceutical. It was a productive conversation the first 5 or so times but he won’t take anyone’s advice, not even a doctor or psych and it’s been the same conversation multiple times a day for three week.

I don’t know what to do. Anyone BTDT? Any ideas?

Is he generally lazy and self-indulging?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same convo every 10-15 mins is not “natural” territory. He needs a psychiatrist and he needs one immediately.

Agree. The time he does the best is when he's on the antidepressant. It sounds like he turns to pot when he's self medicating. It probably be best if he wasn't using so you can figure out if antidepressants are working.

The irrational thoughts are worrisome. His mood needs to be stabilized.

[Anonymous]

Is he generally lazy and self-indulging?

No - he’s a SAHD and I work long hours and he keeps the family afloat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same convo every 10-15 mins is not “natural” territory. He needs a psychiatrist and he needs one immediately.

He’s seen someone but just once a week. We’re having a hard time finding people on short notice who take our insurance. Working on a longer-term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have suffered from terrible anxiety and depression. It is very important that your husband stop taking weed. It makes anxiety much worse. He has to leave it alone totally. Next, if he does not like the effects of medicine, many of which suck and people tend to downplay, he should look into natural alternative options. Natural things that have helped me are: passionflower tincture, St. John's wort, and lemon balm. I take all three regularly like I would prescription medicine. He also needs to look into coping mechanisms and apply them. Can you figure out what spurs the anxiety? Start there. Lastly, he needs to exercise regularly (no exceptions) and get maximum sunlight. The exercise should be vigorous and average at least 30 mins a day. Good luck OP! You all can get through this. He just needs to be disciplined in tackling things, and you need to remain a supportive good listener.

Thank you - this is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a DH that has suffered terribly with depression and anxiety. Fortunately I’m able to be honest and get help, and help myself.

Your husband has to WANT to get better. Does he want to? Have you asked him what’s stopping him from getting help?

Perhaps you need to go speak with a mental health professional first, to create a plan for yourself to get him to treatment.

Thank you - he’s paralyzed by his anxiety and so has trouble making a decision.