My Teen tells us and his friends that he is 'depressed and a mess'

[Anonymous]

I don't see it, I see occasional moodiness. I've googled every single teen depression symptom page, I think. He looks forward to events in the future. I see him smiling while texting people, he attends parties and comes home talking about whatever sort of event it was, he argues with his little brothers. He laughs, he eats, does his schoolwork, does well in school. He participates in an extracurricular that he likes but he complains about the instructor this year. He has many friends and is invited to social events. He does not have a best friend, he never has, but he has some good friends. Sometimes those friends change. I have noticed that other kids come to him when they're fighting with their closest friends and he's their confidant. Unfortunately, when they're done fighting with their closest friends, they go back to them and my DS becomes second best again. He doesn't mention it but I'm sure he notices.

Despite all the positive interactions I see, he identifies himself as being a 'mess and depressed.' He doesn't think he is majorly depressed, he just says that everything is fine and then something will happen that gets him down. It might be friends disagreeing that is bothering him, it might be a group project that is not going well, or it could be (what he sees as a ) lousy rehearsal. I see that he'll dwell on it for a bit and then will get over it and be back to his laughing happy self. He still participates in all of his school and social activities for the half day, day, whatever it is that he's dwelling on whatever the issue is. A good day with friend will make him forget what was wrong. He may or may not go back to worrying about it. I haven't seen anything really drag on though. None of this happens with any regular or constant frequency.

He refuses to talk to a counselor. He thinks he don't need one. I'm not positive he needs one, but I also think he might find it a relief to hear what he is experiencing is normal. He doesn't accept that opinion from me:/ I took him to our PCM a few months ago and he did not identify any significant depression. He didn't even identify him as mildly depressed. I don't see this as my kid saying this to be manipulative. He's not saying it to get something or get out of something....More of a 'well once they figure out what a mess I am they'll run.' Hahaha kind of thing. Only it's not funny to me, it's worrisome.

We've talked a lot about how things get us down sometimes and we snap back. It's normal. Everyone experiences that. It doesn't make you 'depressed.' It's not actual clinical depression, just part of being a normal, feeling person. Its when you can't let go or when you can't stop thinking about it over an extended period that it is a problem. I think he just feels things deeply, and worries that there's something abnormal about it. I wish he was more confident!

Anyone else's teen like this? What did you do to help? What more can I do? I feel like this is just growing up and finding yourself but I don't want to get it wrong!

[Anonymous]

That was long. Sorry!

[Anonymous]

Take him at his word.

Ok, almost. If he is saying that, he is askeding you for something. Maybe he isn't depressed, but he is something and he isn't feeling good.

So se your best skills, and figure it out. For me, this is the kind of parenting moment tat would lead me to my house of worship for quiet contemplation.

Maybe he wants more compassion? Maybe he is anxious? Maybe he is seriously insecure? You should work on figuring it out.

[Anonymous]

My now 17 yo dd was like this at 15. She got on a low level med and it has been great for her.

She's about to graduate (honor roll) and plans to wean off it this summer.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. Depression can look like many things, if your son is telling you he feels this way then you just believe him despite how he looks to you.

It is extremely common for adolescent boys to refuse counseling, I would ask him what he thinks might help. And thank him for telling you! That's wonderful that he told you, it says something very positive about your relationship with him.

Did the doctor you took him to administer a proper depression screening or did he ask random questions? Either way, I'm very bothered that he told him he didn't see signs of depression because he told him he doesn't believe him. Believe him! He may not have answered the questions as he wanted to because he's embarrassed but he is telling you something is off.

[Anonymous]

This is different, but when I had PPD, everyone told me that I was fine and what I was feeling was normal. I put on a good front on the outside but I was suffering on the inside.

I agree about taking him at his word. Keep talking. Don’t brush it off.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else think that this is a pretty good description of .... life itself... and OP's teen is just growing up and realizing it?

The term "depressed and a mess" is hyperbole but no wonder he's using it, as it seems to be in vogue now for everyone to complain about everything.

Two generations ago, our grandparents would have been told to get back to your chores and quit complaining. And they did. And they also recognized earlier in age that life is not an endless chase for "happiness" and "feeling good." We all get down sometimes, OP, including your son. What is different now is that these "feelings" have been elevated to the point of major relevance in our everyday lives.

[Anonymous]

It might not be as obvious as what you are looking for. Lots of people with depression just keep going through the motions. On the other hand he could be using it to describe normal human negative emotions.

What is in his head? Does he have self-depreciating thoughts? Does he feel guilty? Does he feel irritable? Does he feel empty or numb? Does he feel hopeless or helpless? Does he feel like he is different from everyone else?

[Anonymous]

My DD was like this, I just assumed it was a phase. Then she started cutting....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is different, but when I had PPD, everyone told me that I was fine and what I was feeling was normal. I put on a good front on the outside but I was suffering on the inside.

I agree about taking him at his word. Keep talking. Don’t brush it off.

Agree. Being a teenager is hard. Moodiness can be a "normal" part of it and it can be difficult discern what's typical and what's a problem. He's telling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think that this is a pretty good description of .... life itself... and OP's teen is just growing up and realizing it?

The term "depressed and a mess" is hyperbole but no wonder he's using it, as it seems to be in vogue now for everyone to complain about everything.

Two generations ago, our grandparents would have been told to get back to your chores and quit complaining. And they did. And they also recognized earlier in age that life is not an endless chase for "happiness" and "feeling good." We all get down sometimes, OP, including your son. What is different now is that these "feelings" have been elevated to the point of major relevance in our everyday lives.

pp, I get where you are coming from, however learning to distinguish a cognitive distortion and how to reframe problem, feelings, and difficulties is a skill with which many people struggle. In fact, pretty much all media is inundated with hyperbole from the president, to reality tv, to social media. You don't have to be a devotee to any or all of this without being somewhat effected. It's part of society and pretty much inescapable. Why do you think a more younger generations speaks with vocal fry? http://time.com/5006345/what-is-vocal-fry/

Even if a child is "copying something from tv," the point is we can correct course. However, you won't know the answer until you actually look at the cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think that this is a pretty good description of .... life itself... and OP's teen is just growing up and realizing it?

The term "depressed and a mess" is hyperbole but no wonder he's using it, as it seems to be in vogue now for everyone to complain about everything.

Two generations ago, our grandparents would have been told to get back to your chores and quit complaining. And they did. And they also recognized earlier in age that life is not an endless chase for "happiness" and "feeling good." We all get down sometimes, OP, including your son. What is different now is that these "feelings" have been elevated to the point of major relevance in our everyday lives.

No I don't. I find posts hearkening back to "the good old days" of ignoring mental health issues such as anxiety and depression (and ADHD) are unhelpful and naive. This kid is crying out for help. Help him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think that this is a pretty good description of .... life itself... and OP's teen is just growing up and realizing it?

The term "depressed and a mess" is hyperbole but no wonder he's using it, as it seems to be in vogue now for everyone to complain about everything.

Two generations ago, our grandparents would have been told to get back to your chores and quit complaining. And they did. And they also recognized earlier in age that life is not an endless chase for "happiness" and "feeling good." We all get down sometimes, OP, including your son. What is different now is that these "feelings" have been elevated to the point of major relevance in our everyday lives.

Yep. This. I find it amazing that generations of folks before us survived -- tons of responsibilities at home; no real ability to go to college unless your parents were rich (and yes many wanted to - even if they could go down to the factory and get a good job, that's not what they wanted in their 16 yr old mind - most 16 yr old boys in the 60s dreamt of studying engineering and working for NASA in the space race, few could afford 4 yr college to make that happen); drafted into the military against their will; didn't have every luxury at home and knew that asking their parents did not mean they'd get it . . . etc. And yet our snowflakes feel like they are "a mess" -- why exactly -- bc they don't have one BFF?? GTFO. Bet you he's "down" bc he's looking at his classmates "perfect" lives on insta -- dinners with girlfriends; driving their own luxury cars; luxury vacations with family -- and thinking he doesn't compare . . . . Put down the phone and the majority of these problems go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think that this is a pretty good description of .... life itself... and OP's teen is just growing up and realizing it?

The term "depressed and a mess" is hyperbole but no wonder he's using it, as it seems to be in vogue now for everyone to complain about everything.

Two generations ago, our grandparents would have been told to get back to your chores and quit complaining. And they did. And they also recognized earlier in age that life is not an endless chase for "happiness" and "feeling good." We all get down sometimes, OP, including your son. What is different now is that these "feelings" have been elevated to the point of major relevance in our everyday lives.

Yep. This. I find it amazing that generations of folks before us survived -- tons of responsibilities at home; no real ability to go to college unless your parents were rich (and yes many wanted to - even if they could go down to the factory and get a good job, that's not what they wanted in their 16 yr old mind - most 16 yr old boys in the 60s dreamt of studying engineering and working for NASA in the space race, few could afford 4 yr college to make that happen); drafted into the military against their will; didn't have every luxury at home and knew that asking their parents did not mean they'd get it . . . etc. And yet our snowflakes feel like they are "a mess" -- why exactly -- bc they don't have one BFF?? GTFO. Bet you he's "down" bc he's looking at his classmates "perfect" lives on insta -- dinners with girlfriends; driving their own luxury cars; luxury vacations with family -- and thinking he doesn't compare . . . . Put down the phone and the majority of these problems go away.

I think a lot of problems our parents and grandparents have were just swept under the rug. My MiL has intense anxiety, doesn’t leave her home town ever. Been like that since she was a late teen, never saw a therapist. She’s missing out on so much by never treating her issues. My mom clearly has ADHD and grew up in a family of life is hard so suck it up, any therapy is for weirdos. She’s really smart but has had mediocre jobs her whole life and will retire with not a lot to her name because of her disorganization. We know more now, silly not to take advantage of resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think that this is a pretty good description of .... life itself... and OP's teen is just growing up and realizing it?

The term "depressed and a mess" is hyperbole but no wonder he's using it, as it seems to be in vogue now for everyone to complain about everything.

Two generations ago, our grandparents would have been told to get back to your chores and quit complaining. And they did. And they also recognized earlier in age that life is not an endless chase for "happiness" and "feeling good." We all get down sometimes, OP, including your son. What is different now is that these "feelings" have been elevated to the point of major relevance in our everyday lives.

Yep. This. I find it amazing that generations of folks before us survived -- tons of responsibilities at home; no real ability to go to college unless your parents were rich (and yes many wanted to - even if they could go down to the factory and get a good job, that's not what they wanted in their 16 yr old mind - most 16 yr old boys in the 60s dreamt of studying engineering and working for NASA in the space race, few could afford 4 yr college to make that happen); drafted into the military against their will; didn't have every luxury at home and knew that asking their parents did not mean they'd get it . . . etc. And yet our snowflakes feel like they are "a mess" -- why exactly -- bc they don't have one BFF?? GTFO. Bet you he's "down" bc he's looking at his classmates "perfect" lives on insta -- dinners with girlfriends; driving their own luxury cars; luxury vacations with family -- and thinking he doesn't compare . . . . Put down the phone and the majority of these problems go away.

+1. They also survived getting cut from sports teams and not getting trophies every time they lost just so their esteem wouldn't be hurt. If they got cut, they knew they could practice hard by themselves during the season to try to make it next year or just not play that sport and work hard before tryouts for the next season of sports to make something else, but there were no guarantees and mom and dad weren't going to run you all over town to get you on community teams or drop $$ on private coaching or whatever. And college was a BIG one. Many more people wanted to go than could actually go due to $$$ and yet people got over it and moved on with their lives and did the best they could with factory work and providing for families; they didn't sit and lament for the next 30 years that they could have been a dr. but didn't get their shot.

I mean I'm glad we're addressing actual medical issues now, but so much of the teenage angst and depression now comes from the 24-7 comparisons because you constantly know what everyone is doing via social media and if you aren't invited or if you/your family aren't doing things that are as cool like 5 star vacations in Europe, then it gives you every reason to be down and "depressed" about your life. I know it isn't acceptable on DCUM - but take away the goddam phones -- or at least enforce "no phone hours" for several hours each evening so they remember how to live in the moment without comparison.