How often do you (or did you) think of divorce?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married 9 years and it has always been rocky - I’ve been thinking about leaving him for most of the time, but haven’t. Now looking back, I see that not much has changed in terms of my discontent, and think I need to actually suck it up and leave.

R u married and think of leaving often? Or seldom? R u divorced now? How long did you contemplate it before actually moving ahead?

[Anonymous]

Think about what you're going to wish you had done when you imagine yourself five years from now. Do you still want to be posting this on DCUM, or would you rather be happy?

[Anonymous]

John Gottman says that 70% of the problems and fights you have on day 1 of your marriage, you’ll have in year 10, 20, 30, 40. Even happily married couples have the same fights. It’s just they negotiate something that works for both of them.

So if your marriage never changes, how will you feel in 10 or 20 years?

[Anonymous]

Answer: Frequently. We've been married 11 years and together for 13 years. In my opinion, there are things other than "happiness" to consider, which is why I haven't left. We have a 7 and 4 year old which complicates matters deeply. At this point, I'm not sure I (or the kids) would be better off if we separated. I have no family in the area so I'd be struggling balancing work with the kids, which is already hard (I'm an attorney). My kids wouldn't be able to attend the same school because I would no longer be able to afford the neighborhood on one income. Leaving isn't worth it...at least not now. I think this is the way with many marriages. It's not an abusive relationship, or one in which we are mean to each other in front of the kids...I'm just so over him..

[Anonymous]

I actually posed a similar Q on here years ago, asking people how much they fantasized about being divorced. I did frequently and wondered if that was normal. The response was that it's not normal to think about it frequently.

I'm now divorced and much better off - my ex was cruel to me, and come to find out after we split, a serial liar who was cheating on me constantly and lying about a lot of other stuff as well. But it took me many years of thinking about divorce, going to couples and individual therapy and doing everything I could to try to fix the marriage before bailing on it. And I can honestly say there's nothing more I could have done -- it's important to me and for my children's sake to know that I fought to save it but in the end had to walk for all our sakes.

[Anonymous]

Apparently it’s all DCUM women think about.

[Anonymous]

2nd marriage - never

1st marriage - all the time

1st marriage was to an abuser. Second is to a man that gives his all to me and my son. I couldn't be more thankful to have found him.

[Anonymous]

I am also married for 9 years and also think about it almost daily. husband keeps promising to treat me better but doesn't.

I don't know if I would be happier divorced. I do not like my husband but I like my kids life job so I'm not willing to lose it. i don't even want sex anymore so that is fine and i sleep in bedroom alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Answer: Frequently. We've been married 11 years and together for 13 years. In my opinion, there are things other than "happiness" to consider, which is why I haven't left. We have a 7 and 4 year old which complicates matters deeply. At this point, I'm not sure I (or the kids) would be better off if we separated. I have no family in the area so I'd be struggling balancing work with the kids, which is already hard (I'm an attorney). My kids wouldn't be able to attend the same school because I would no longer be able to afford the neighborhood on one income. Leaving isn't worth it...at least not now. I think this is the way with many marriages. It's not an abusive relationship, or one in which we are mean to each other in front of the kids...I'm just so over him..

this is me.

i even sleep in one room. dh sleeps in basement. kids dont even notice. they will. also an attorney who doesnt want to give up my job nor seeing my kids every day.

my dh is insensitive to the point of being mean -- kids do get that because they will say something but i dont think divorce cures it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Answer: Frequently. We've been married 11 years and together for 13 years. In my opinion, there are things other than "happiness" to consider, which is why I haven't left. We have a 7 and 4 year old which complicates matters deeply. At this point, I'm not sure I (or the kids) would be better off if we separated. I have no family in the area so I'd be struggling balancing work with the kids, which is already hard (I'm an attorney). My kids wouldn't be able to attend the same school because I would no longer be able to afford the neighborhood on one income. Leaving isn't worth it...at least not now. I think this is the way with many marriages. It's not an abusive relationship, or one in which we are mean to each other in front of the kids...I'm just so over him..

this is me.

i even sleep in one room. dh sleeps in basement. kids dont even notice. they will. also an attorney who doesnt want to give up my job nor seeing my kids every day.

my dh is insensitive to the point of being mean -- kids do get that because they will say something but i dont think divorce cures it.

Op here - thank you for sharing. I agree - divorce doesn’t cure DH from being who he is, but it would change the dynamic of the relationship, obviously. And there would be no more pretense of you being ok with how things are. Do you still “act” married to the outside world? Go on date nights? Kiss him hello or goodbye? Have u talked to him about what a separation would look like? Custody arrangement? I too work a lot and think that a situation where I was seeing the kids every couple of days for a couple of days and not living with him might provide some relief to my stress levels.

Sometimes I think about scaling back at work, but it provides me the money to contemplate independence.

[Anonymous]

If you are thinking about divorce a lot, you are showing contempt for your spouse. He may deserve it, but it doesn’t bode well for the future of your marriage. I predict you will be divorced within five years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also married for 9 years and also think about it almost daily. husband keeps promising to treat me better but doesn't.

I don't know if I would be happier divorced. I do not like my husband but I like my kids life job so I'm not willing to lose it. i don't even want sex anymore so that is fine and i sleep in bedroom alone.

Amazed how many couples are staying together in a house but in separate rooms. Don't the kids wise up to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also married for 9 years and also think about it almost daily. husband keeps promising to treat me better but doesn't.

I don't know if I would be happier divorced. I do not like my husband but I like my kids life job so I'm not willing to lose it. i don't even want sex anymore so that is fine and i sleep in bedroom alone.

Amazed how many couples are staying together in a house but in separate rooms. Don't the kids wise up to that?

To the PPs who are in separate rooms - have you and your spouse talked about this arrangement and made a conscious decision about it? Or has it “just” happened?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's normal no matter how many times you read about it on dcum. DH and I have been married 30 years next month. I have never thought about divorce.

[Anonymous]

This will be my STBXW’s 4th divorce (45 y/o) so apparently she thinks about it frequently. Of course, each one is the fault of the DH