Has anyone's marriage successfully overcome domestic violence?

[Anonymous]

Please share how you did this? If you have not had this experience PLEASE DONT COMMENT.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean repeated incidents or a single incident that has been overcome and things are going well several years later?

[Anonymous]

I hit my husband once on his back. Very embarrassed about it. It was over 4 years ago. We had just had our first baby and I was not in a good place. I was upset, jealous, angry and everything in between. It hasn’t happened since. What I do now when I feel my blood getting hotter and hotter (it happens quite often maybe 2 Times per month) I just take a couple of deep breaths and I sit. It helps me because I feel the most aggressive when I am standing. Changing position calms me a bit immediately.

I hope this helps. Good luck

[Anonymous]

I have friends who had five good years after he stopped drinking. When he hit her again (actually, it was more than that), she had just had their third kid (second after the reconciliation). I used to tell people about them as a miraculous success story. He has PTSD, and in retrospect, there were a lot of problems.

Another, very young friend, also went back to her very new husband (also very young) after he promised to stop drinking. They've had a great year, but I'm still nervous for her.

How would anyone know for sure they could successfully overcome it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who had five good years after he stopped drinking. When he hit her again (actually, it was more than that), she had just had their third kid (second after the reconciliation). I used to tell people about them as a miraculous success story. He has PTSD, and in retrospect, there were a lot of problems.

Another, very young friend, also went back to her very new husband (also very young) after he promised to stop drinking. They've had a great year, but I'm still nervous for her.

How would anyone know for sure they could successfully overcome it?

Story #1 = repeated incidents and a long separation before the reconciliation
Story #2 = single incident and a brief separation

[Anonymous]

DH returned from a deployment and wasn’t adjusting well. He shoved me into a wall during a fight and I swung right at his face. We didn’t talk for a few days and ended up in therapy (both for his PTSD, my issues that came from his deployment, and general couples counseling to help me help him adjust). I think the big thing for us was knowing that we were capable of acting out like that. Now that we know, we are much more careful of how far we push topics when things start getting heated. That was about 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

No, no one should stay in an abusive relationship. If not for the physical abuse but the mental abuse that leads up to the physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

It only escalated in my case. I tried to wait it out, I tried to not trigger my spouse by challenging him or asking him to do anything, I did everything he wanted me to do.

In therapy, I learned that there was no way I alone could overcome it, and he didn’t think there was a problem (except me—I was the problem). It took me five years from the first instance of physical abuse to leave (12 years from the initial instance of emotional abuse).

[Anonymous]

It is extremely unlikely. Maybe if the abuser dies soon after.

[Anonymous]

If the abuser is determined to stop the abuser and get help then there is hope. The victim can only hope to escape.

[Anonymous]

It can be successfully overcome if it is replaced with better strategies. I couldn't stay with anyone who hits another person out of anger or frustration.

If the violence is something like punching a hole in the wall, then yes, that could be overcome.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DV survivor and a prosecutor who routinely handles DV cases. The "party line" in the criminal justice system is "once an abuser, always an abuser." I think the reality is slightly more nuanced. I strongly believe that it's possible to have a single, minor, isolated DV incident that's truly anomalous. By "minor," I mean something like a push or grabbing an arm roughly. That said, if you've experienced multiple incidents, or any one incident was serious (it left real bruising, a weapon was used or threatened, the assault involved strangulation or grabbing at your throat, any comment/threat about ending your life), I don't think you can overcome that. I've lived through it in my personal life and it will just get increasingly serious and frequent. And regardless of how much he tries, you'll never be able to look at your partner and not see the guy who hit you because you did [insert stupid BS that upset him here].

One more thing...people on DCUM are quick to recommend anger management and therapy for perpetrators of DV. There is no evidence that this type of treatment works. There are real, certified DV treatment programs. They're often called Abuser/Batterer Intervention Programs. They're not perfect, but they're certainly more effective than individual therapy and anger management programs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DV survivor and a prosecutor who routinely handles DV cases. The "party line" in the criminal justice system is "once an abuser, always an abuser." I think the reality is slightly more nuanced. I strongly believe that it's possible to have a single, minor, isolated DV incident that's truly anomalous. By "minor," I mean something like a push or grabbing an arm roughly. That said, if you've experienced multiple incidents, or any one incident was serious (it left real bruising, a weapon was used or threatened, the assault involved strangulation or grabbing at your throat, any comment/threat about ending your life), I don't think you can overcome that. I've lived through it in my personal life and it will just get increasingly serious and frequent. And regardless of how much he tries, you'll never be able to look at your partner and not see the guy who hit you because you did [insert stupid BS that upset him here].

One more thing...people on DCUM are quick to recommend anger management and therapy for perpetrators of DV. There is no evidence that this type of treatment works. There are real, certified DV treatment programs. They're often called Abuser/Batterer Intervention Programs. They're not perfect, but they're certainly more effective than individual therapy and anger management programs.

+1 excellent post. thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, no one should stay in an abusive relationship. If not for the physical abuse but the mental abuse that leads up to the physical abuse.

Mental abuse can be much worse. But to answer the question, if course it can happen and someone on here is always going to have an example. The question is, can the other person even see what they are doing and understand why they are doing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the abuser is determined to stop the abuser and get help then there is hope. The victim can only hope to escape.

Yes. It takes a real sea change from the abuser. If s/he does this, if s/he can get rid of triggers like substance abuse, anger management problems, mental illness issues, then yes, it can work and get better. But that takes a whole lot of strength and determination. Does the abuser have that? Some do. Most don't.