Purging my husband’s hoard?

[Anonymous]

My husband has bins of junk he’s hoarding away, and I’m thinking of purging some of it without telling him. He won’t do this on his own even if I ask; he thinks he may “need” it someday, however, we NEED the space it all occupies now.

It’s nothing of sentimental or monetary value. It’s things like old jeans (he recently lost 70lb and these don’t fit), too many jackets he hasn’t worn in ages (there is dust collecting on the shoulders), an old motorcycle jacket (a buddy handed it down to him before we had kids; he’s not getting a motorcycle anytime soon, and I doubt this jacket even fits now if he did), and other various “junk” he hasn’t touched in ages.

Am I horrible if I just donate what I can and toss the rest on garbage day? If so, any other ideas?

[Anonymous]

My husband is a hoarder and I have more than a decade of experience dealing with this.
If you throw out his stuff, he will NOT be happy. Only do so if he is sure not to notice, a little at a time.
Hoarding is impossible to cure, but the underlying disorders, which can be ADHD or OCD, can be treated medically. Figure out which one it is and go from there.

My husband "let" me sort and throw away his stuff once in his life - when he wanted to declutter the basement for the arrival of his brother, but couldn't do it himself (because ADHD, OCD, etc - he's literally incapable of sorting. He couldn't to save his life). Otherwise he has thrown such incredible fits when he's realize I've thrown away some of his stuff, that I can't really do that anymore.

I have established rules, however. No bringing in stuff inside the house that we don't need right away. So no flea market or estate sale finds. No 100 rolls of toilet paper when 25 will do. Food is more difficult because he promises to consume it and then never does - our fridge is sometimes so packed that the food at the back starts to rot because we can't get to it. That was what our last fight was about...

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp. you're going to get backlash if you dump out a lot at once.

He probably needs medication.

Hoarding sucks.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding a a serious issue, OP.

But if he is just storing things without it really being hoarding -- I found I could tell my husband someone needed the items, and then he was fine with giving them away.

He had a shit ton of old magazines he was saving. I told him a friend of mine needed a bunch for a school project, and carted away boxes and boxes of old magazines.

[Anonymous]

I once threw away 16 huge, black garbage bags of old clothes that were my boyfriends. The items were not in good enough condition to donate. My brother was convinced that he’d break up with me. When he returned home, all he said was thanks for picking up around the house. He missed not one thing. He’s the ADHD-kind-of-hoarder. He is now my husband. Now it’s much easier to keep up with via constant pruning rather than a huge purge! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Don't just toss the motorcycle jacket. Some of them are worth a lot. I collect leather motorcycle jackets, and so do a lot of other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hoarding a a serious issue, OP.

But if he is just storing things without it really being hoarding -- I found I could tell my husband someone needed the items, and then he was fine with giving them away.

He had a shit ton of old magazines he was saving. I told him a friend of mine needed a bunch for a school project, and carted away boxes and boxes of old magazines.

This. I think that hoarders need their things to be valued, even when they don't respect the items/don't care for them or use them. It's emotional 'stuff' that they aren't willing/able to sort through.

So if you 'find' someone who is 70 lbs larger than him and 'needs clothes' he will probably happily part with the items. In addition, depending on the type of hoard, use an excuse like the pp. Even if it's utter garbage, act like you found someone who will enjoy it- do NOT tell him it went in a dumpster.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a hoarder. I donate his stuff when he's not paying attention. Never all at once though.

[Anonymous]

My husband is also a hoarder, stuff he wore in college, papers he wrote in college (30 years ago), old college text books, matchbooks, shoes, golf clubs (he doesn’t golf), and then there’s the boxes and boxes of paper (think old presentations, etc).

I don’t throw it away BUT I will organize it so it doesn’t overwhelm me. I can sometimes get him to toss stuff by asking him what good is it if:
A. He doesn’t know/remember he has it. Which most of the time he doesn’t.
And
B. Will you even want to wear that... fringe leather jacket from 1982 or those moth eaten jeans that are a men’s size 29 even if he could fit in them?

[Anonymous]

I highly doubt he’s an actual hoarder. Cut the exaggeration. YOU don’t see a use for it, so you want it gone. I’m sure you have plenty of knickknacks, shoes, purses, flowerpots, some crap he doesn’t understand why you keep. It sounds reasonable to keep some of these things. I too once lost over 20 pounds and was a bit scared to get rid of my old clothes. It probably took me 4-5 years of staying my new, smaller size to get rid of all my old clothes. As far as certain jackets, I’m 38, and in my parents’ basement I still have some of my old high school jackets and travel sports team jackets. My DAD, who is 72, still has all his old trophies. We aren’t hoarders. We aren’t up to our eyeballs in junk. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt he’s an actual hoarder. Cut the exaggeration. YOU don’t see a use for it, so you want it gone. I’m sure you have plenty of knickknacks, shoes, purses, flowerpots, some crap he doesn’t understand why you keep. It sounds reasonable to keep some of these things. I too once lost over 20 pounds and was a bit scared to get rid of my old clothes. It probably took me 4-5 years of staying my new, smaller size to get rid of all my old clothes. As far as certain jackets, I’m 38, and in my parents’ basement I still have some of my old high school jackets and travel sports team jackets. My DAD, who is 72, still has all his old trophies. We aren’t hoarders. We aren’t up to our eyeballs in junk. Get a grip.

That's you, but you don't know OP's husband. Why do you assume he's the same as you rather than trusting her judgement? Are you defensive because people have been calling you a hoarder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once threw away 16 huge, black garbage bags of old clothes that were my boyfriends. The items were not in good enough condition to donate. My brother was convinced that he’d break up with me. When he returned home, all he said was thanks for picking up around the house. He missed not one thing. He’s the ADHD-kind-of-hoarder. He is now my husband. Now it’s much easier to keep up with via constant pruning rather than a huge purge! Good luck!

I'm the PP who posted above you. My husband has ADHD as well, but he cannot tolerate someone throwing about (or even just re-organizing) his things. You're lucky.

[Anonymous]

OP is not describing a hoarder, just someone with too much stuff that she doesn’t value. OP, just say you would like to clean out some stuff and discuss what is appropriate ahead of time. No need to be underhanded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt he’s an actual hoarder. Cut the exaggeration. YOU don’t see a use for it, so you want it gone. I’m sure you have plenty of knickknacks, shoes, purses, flowerpots, some crap he doesn’t understand why you keep. It sounds reasonable to keep some of these things. I too once lost over 20 pounds and was a bit scared to get rid of my old clothes. It probably took me 4-5 years of staying my new, smaller size to get rid of all my old clothes. As far as certain jackets, I’m 38, and in my parents’ basement I still have some of my old high school jackets and travel sports team jackets. My DAD, who is 72, still has all his old trophies. We aren’t hoarders. We aren’t up to our eyeballs in junk. Get a grip.

That's you, but you don't know OP's husband. Why do you assume he's the same as you rather than trusting her judgement? Are you defensive because people have been calling you a hoarder?

Not at all. She simply didn’t describe anything that could be remotely construed as actual, mental illness hoarding. And people on DCUM have been known to exaggerate or slant a story their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a hoarder. I donate his stuff when he's not paying attention. Never all at once though.

+1. I do this as well. Go slowly. He probably won't notice.