Purging my husband’s hoard?

[Anonymous]

Wow I thought I was the only one with a perfectly normal lovable dh who has a secret collection of bins bins and more bins. I really like the idea of the wire box. One box for whatever item, and never can you outgrow the box. That philosophy has helped me with clothes. If I want a shirt but it doesn't fit into the shirt drawer, another has to go.

As for dh, I'm not sure what to do. our guest room closets are packed with his old clothes books, work papers, magazines, cords, tools, c.d.s., shaving cream (I think he once got a deal on a case) and god knows what. I once needed something I thought might be at the back of the closet and pulled out everything and partially sorted it for him, but gee didn't want me to throw anything out without approval and then we had unexpected guests and shoved it all back. I don't know how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I didn’t think people would think I meant he was a hoarder. He’s not. He’s good about getting rid of things when the mood strikes him—which isn’t often. We need the space, so the time needs to be now. He refuses to condense his things, and these are the things that he doesn’t need to keep (like I said, I would never get rid of his sentimental things, but old jeans?) And yes, I have four bags of my own junk that’s ready to be donated/thrown away.

I appreciate the advice.

If he's truly not a hoarder, then give him a deadline to deal with x, y, z and let him know you will deal with what he doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt he’s an actual hoarder. Cut the exaggeration. YOU don’t see a use for it, so you want it gone. I’m sure you have plenty of knickknacks, shoes, purses, flowerpots, some crap he doesn’t understand why you keep. It sounds reasonable to keep some of these things. I too once lost over 20 pounds and was a bit scared to get rid of my old clothes. It probably took me 4-5 years of staying my new, smaller size to get rid of all my old clothes. As far as certain jackets, I’m 38, and in my parents’ basement I still have some of my old high school jackets and travel sports team jackets. My DAD, who is 72, still has all his old trophies. We aren’t hoarders. We aren’t up to our eyeballs in junk. Get a grip.

That's you, but you don't know OP's husband. Why do you assume he's the same as you rather than trusting her judgement? Are you defensive because people have been calling you a hoarder?

Not at all. She simply didn’t describe anything that could be remotely construed as actual, mental illness hoarding. And people on DCUM have been known to exaggerate or slant a story their way.

She never said he was a HOARDER, she said he was HOARDING. Which is a verb. Which is different than the mental illnesses that cause hoarding. Calm the f down.

+1
PP sounds triggered.

[Anonymous]

My husband also collected newspapers and both weekly and monthly magazines. He had years and years of them stacked up, very neatly, in his living room when we were dating. When we got married I put a time limit on them. I said he could save daily newspapers up to 6 days. There will ALWAYS be another newspaper coming tomorrow. If you haven't had time to read 6 days worth of newspapers, throw them out and start reading tomorrows when it arrives.

Weekly magazines he could keep for 3 weeks. If it was last months Newsweek magazine, and he hadn't read it, the news would be dated. Todd it.

Monthly magazines he could keep for one year.

What if he wanted the know about something that happened in the past but we had tossed that particular piece of information? GOOD NEWS!! (This was before the internet made everything available). He worked in a LIBRARY. He could look up whatever he needed to and THEY could provide storage.

[Anonymous]

Wow he must have had a lot of redeeming qualities for you to overlook those stacks!

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for posting this. My DH is also a packrat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoarding a a serious issue, OP.

But if he is just storing things without it really being hoarding -- I found I could tell my husband someone needed the items, and then he was fine with giving them away.

He had a shit ton of old magazines he was saving. I told him a friend of mine needed a bunch for a school project, and carted away boxes and boxes of old magazines.

This. I think that hoarders need their things to be valued, even when they don't respect the items/don't care for them or use them. It's emotional 'stuff' that they aren't willing/able to sort through.

So if you 'find' someone who is 70 lbs larger than him and 'needs clothes' he will probably happily part with the items. In addition, depending on the type of hoard, use an excuse like the pp. Even if it's utter garbage, act like you found someone who will enjoy it- do NOT tell him it went in a dumpster.

My husband has a tendency to do this, and you are correct. If I want to clean the linen closet, he'll get uptight until I say "the vet collects these sheets and stuff for homeless dogs and cats". He's more than willing to part with things that he knows goes to good use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO IT. Trust me, he will never know. The spouse is either a hoarder too, or an enabler. I remember a show on TV about hoarding and there was a couple in G-burg. She was the problem. They asked him.." How did you let it go on so long."
He just stared blankly. Don't stare....throw it out...all of it. Put him on notice...you might get your own place if you need to and arrange for Social Servuces to deal with him.

OK....

It doesn't at all sound like OP's husband is THAT kind of hoarder.

Yeah, we won't know really until wife leaves the premises and no one is cleaning. Stacks and piles and bin after bin, on top of piles and stacks. That is hoarding.She has managed it until now.

[Anonymous]

I have over 20 years of newspapers and magazines in my garage belonging to my husband. He says he is going to toss them in our recycling every week, which he has been doing. You cannot store a bicycle in the space it is so full. While he is out of town I am bringing the papers and magazines to a recycling center. We have two other lock ups off site full of stuff also belonging to him. He also keeps a large supply of empty boxes. Hr has spent most of our married life managing this stuff. He prints emails that are sent to him from work and stores them also. He says he will get help,he is in therapy, but he is not discussing this problem. He lies constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has bins of junk he’s hoarding away, and I’m thinking of purging some of it without telling him. He won’t do this on his own even if I ask; he thinks he may “need” it someday, however, we NEED the space it all occupies now.

It’s nothing of sentimental or monetary value. It’s things like old jeans (he recently lost 70lb and these don’t fit), too many jackets he hasn’t worn in ages (there is dust collecting on the shoulders), an old motorcycle jacket (a buddy handed it down to him before we had kids; he’s not getting a motorcycle anytime soon, and I doubt this jacket even fits now if he did), and other various “junk” he hasn’t touched in ages.

Am I horrible if I just donate what I can and toss the rest on garbage day? If so, any other ideas?

You leave his things alone! How would you feel if he purged your hoard. This is his home as well as yours.

[Anonymous]

I would divorce my husband if he went thought my stuff and threw out whatever he decided I didn't need anymore.

Complete breach of trust and respect for me. Not something I would tolerate.

My mother used to do this when I was a child under the guise of donating, never knew what would be gone on any given day.

[Anonymous]

You can toss everything except the porn. You have to draw the line somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once threw away 16 huge, black garbage bags of old clothes that were my boyfriends. The items were not in good enough condition to donate. My brother was convinced that he’d break up with me. When he returned home, all he said was thanks for picking up around the house. He missed not one thing. He’s the ADHD-kind-of-hoarder. He is now my husband. Now it’s much easier to keep up with via constant pruning rather than a huge purge! Good luck!

My dh is like this. Just the regular ADHD mess, not an actual hoarder. DH is thrilled when I purge his old clothes and clean up his closet. I can tell what's old because he won't wear it or the jeans have holes in the front or knees. He wears out sneakers from running very often and would keep the old ones. One time I looked and he had 8 pairs!! I only kept the newest 3 for working around the house/lawn mowing.

My dh is used to me organizing his stuff and I know it won't offend him. He just can always think of a future "use" for a holey tshirt and it pains him to throw things away or donate. I started doing this in baby steps when we were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has bins of junk he’s hoarding away, and I’m thinking of purging some of it without telling him. He won’t do this on his own even if I ask; he thinks he may “need” it someday, however, we NEED the space it all occupies now.

It’s nothing of sentimental or monetary value. It’s things like old jeans (he recently lost 70lb and these don’t fit), too many jackets he hasn’t worn in ages (there is dust collecting on the shoulders), an old motorcycle jacket (a buddy handed it down to him before we had kids; he’s not getting a motorcycle anytime soon, and I doubt this jacket even fits now if he did), and other various “junk” he hasn’t touched in ages.

Am I horrible if I just donate what I can and toss the rest on garbage day? If so, any other ideas?

The motorcycle jacket will be too noticeable. The other items will likely not be noticed. Do it a little at a time but know that this can cause distrust on their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has bins of junk he’s hoarding away, and I’m thinking of purging some of it without telling him. He won’t do this on his own even if I ask; he thinks he may “need” it someday, however, we NEED the space it all occupies now.

It’s nothing of sentimental or monetary value. It’s things like old jeans (he recently lost 70lb and these don’t fit), too many jackets he hasn’t worn in ages (there is dust collecting on the shoulders), an old motorcycle jacket (a buddy handed it down to him before we had kids; he’s not getting a motorcycle anytime soon, and I doubt this jacket even fits now if he did), and other various “junk” he hasn’t touched in ages.

Am I horrible if I just donate what I can and toss the rest on garbage day? If so, any other ideas?

Admit it, you just want to make room to buy new things. Repeat. Consume. Repeat.