Extremely traumatized 2 year old in preschool- when do I say enough?

[Anonymous]

My 2 year old just started preschool on Monday (9:00 - noon program). She screams and cries hysterically - they have to peal her off of me. I have stood outside the door (so she can't see me) every morning and she cries for over an hour ("I want my mommy!") every day. She comes home with a hoarse voice and blood shot eyes. The teachers are kind and caring. The school is very good and I have a lot of friends whose kids go there and they are very happy. I don't blame the teachers or the school. Rather, I genuinely wonder if she is too little or not ready. Her natural personality is very outgoing and gregarious. She is not normally shy or introverted - I thought that she would thrive. I feel like I am torturing her. Should I pull her? Others say that "she will get used to it", but I worry that, in fact, she will just give up and "learn" that nobody cares how unhappy she is.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry - that's really difficult.

Is there any way you can stay with her a bit to help her adjust to the environment? (Not sure how that would work in a traditional preschool environment.)

But if you feel this isn't right - there is NOTHING wrong with pulling her out and deciding this isn't the right format for your DD. And maybe you can find a non-drop off type program that would provide the same socialization / routine learning benefits, and get her used to the concept before trying another drop-off style situation later.

[Anonymous]

I would do one of two things. See if it's possible for you to stay for part of the day, so that DD can get comfortable with the school and the routine. Many will say that by staying, she will you expect you to be there, and they are right. At our preschool, we had parents hanging around for 1/2 the day until January, but most kids were comfortable after a couple of weeks. Of course, some places won't allow that.

The other option is to try again next year. I don't think that I could accept my child crying unnecessarily for an hour. Plus, it disrupts the class.

Also, have you discussed this with the teacher?

[Anonymous]

I would wait a bit longer before pulling her out. When my DS was two, several of his friends had the same reaction for a couple of weeks before settling in and eventually loving it. One boy in particular cried each day and would get so worked up he would throw up. I would say within 2-3 weeks he was comfortable and began to enjoy himself. But it was so hard on his mom, who felt like she was torturing the poor boy by sending him to school. Don't rule out pulling her out if she just doesn't seem ready, but make sure you give her a chance to adapt. Especially since the teachers are warm and nurturing and will do everything they can to help her feel at ease.
Maybe give it a time limit...a month or so (or less...whatever you can bear)? Hang in there--and know that you're not being a mean mom by sending her to school.

[Anonymous]

OP my 2.5 year old had a very hard time transitioning to preschool as well. The teachers suggested I sit in her class with her for a few classes. The first class I sat and interacted with her, the 2nd I sat but did not interact wtih her, the 3rd I sat right outside the door with it open, the 4th I sat in the office which she could see from her class room with the doors open, the 5th they closed the doors but I was still there in case of a meltdown. After that I finally got to leave. She had a mini-meltdown a few minues the first time, but after that LOVED preschool. I don't know if you work or have other kids so maybe this won't be possible for you...but it really helped transition my child!

[Anonymous]

I would take the girl out of school ASAP if she were my DD. Why force her to 'get used to it' when she will be ready in a matter of months to a year anyway?

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who said wait it out a bit...but I do agree with PP's that there is nothing wrong with pulling her out and giving it another go when she's a bit older. OP, did your daughter just turn two or is she closer to 2.5?

[Anonymous]

my son did this for a couple weeks when we moved out of state and started new school. We figured out if he "called mommy" with a toy phone he was totally fine and it broke his anxiety When he was 3.5 we again had a hard time transitioning. Him bringing a favorite stuffed toy did the trick, no crying. A few days later it was wearing a special sticker/braclet. Basically can you find something that will help ease anxiety and feel connected to you? We also talked about how it was perfectly fine to be scared nervous miss mommy but not okay to cry so much just b/c it wasn't necessary b/c it didn't make mommy come any earlier.

[Anonymous]

This is my big fear of next fall...what happens if you pull out? Do they refund any of your deposit? Does it prevent you from reenrolling the following year?

[Anonymous]

Our preschool keeps a book with a page for each child with photos of the family that they can look at when they are upset. Also, is there any way that you can drop off without walking her to the classroom? Ours has a kiss and ride or they take them at the end of the hall if we walk them in so that we never are near the actual classroom door. It just makes it harder for the kids knowing we could be right outside.
Is there maybe a little momento she can have in her pocket from home, like a piece of a blanket or T-shirt of yours? Something she can reach in and rub for security?
But I agree that at two, if she doesn't have to go, and she isn't better in a week or two, pull her if she's not ready for this. Why force it? But give it a little longer.

[Anonymous]

Take her out. If she was only crying for a few minutes, I'd say give it a couple weeks. But she is sobbing for one hour each time? I am surprised the teachers haven't suggested you try again next year - it has to be disturbing to the other kids in the class. 2 yo is pretty young for preschool and her crying has nothing to do with her social personality. it has everything to do with missing mommy.

[Anonymous]

A lot of good thoughts here. Mine is you gotta follow your "instincts." As mommies we are instinctual animals and our intuition tells us if they can handle the stress and the routine of preschool.

Mine had a hard time to ( I was shocked thinking DS would love it??) We talked about all the fun and cool things in the room and how I liked his teachers calling them by name. I instinctually knew he was ready and his anxiety was the reason for his sadness. It worked..he is still grumpy for a WHOLE minute at drop off but running to me with open arms at pick up.. happy as a clam.

Hang in there but listen to your inner voice if its not yet the time.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I am also a preschool teacher and work with the two's and SN kids...so that why I was so surprised by my own kids reaction. Also I have more than one child so I thought we would have a repeat situation of his older brother.

[Anonymous]

2 is still really young. I would pull her and try again next year. At 2, I think they need individual adult attention more than they need group time and you can still give her some group time through music, etc. classes.

An hour is a very, very long time to stay upset, and it seems like it way outweighs the benefits.

If for some reason you can't pull her, I agree with the pp who suggest staying with her in the classroom to help her adjust.

[Anonymous]

I might give it another week or so. Ask if you can stay in the classroom for a while. 2 is still a baby really and she isn't getting anything out of school if she is that upset. I pulled my son out of a preschool within the first few weeks (not a good fit) and they refunded everything.