I love my husband, but I don't like him

[Anonymous]

We have been married for 22 years. The last 10-12 years have been hard. He has changed. I don't know why. He has so much anger. He is always negative. Complains about everything. Examples: A light bulb burns out, it's a "piece of shit lamp", The mailbox post is loose and needs to be fixed so it's tighter in the ground, "piece of shit cheap mailbox" A sink gets clogged, "cheap ass house". Then the blame starts, "why did you make me buy this house" "we never should have moved here" We BOTH agreed on this house, and the things that happen quite honestly are simple dumb things to fix. Nothing major.

No matter how much I talk to him about it, it never changes. How do you leave a marriage where you still have love for your spouse but you literally can't stand to be in the same room, let alone house with him?

I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit him down when he's calm, and outline all the things he does that can't live with, and tell him you can't live with them.

You want:

1. A full physical. Perhaps there's a thyroid issue, depression, etc.

2. Him to go to individual or couple's counseling.

Tell him that if he doesn't change, you will leave him.

[Anonymous]

You tell him that he's changed into a negative, toxic presence and that you intend to live a happy, optimistic life and that he needs to think about what you're saying and get some help adjusting his perspective or you're done. Is he physically healthy? I find that disgruntled, middle-aged men (he's white I'm guessing) are usually out of shape, couch potatoes who have a lot of self-loathing and feel they've been cheated out of their success. Sound familiar, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell him that he's changed into a negative, toxic presence and that you intend to live a happy, optimistic life and that he needs to think about what you're saying and get some help adjusting his perspective or you're done. Is he physically healthy? I find that disgruntled, middle-aged men (he's white I'm guessing) are usually out of shape, couch potatoes who have a lot of self-loathing and feel they've been cheated out of their success. Sound familiar, OP?

Yes, 52 year old white couch potato. I run, bike, go to the gym. He has a gym membership, I ask him to come along with me every single time, he's come with me 3 times and it was to use the hydro massager and not work out. He is negative "the world is against him" but it shows mostly when there are little things around the house that go wrong, or even if I talk about painting a room and I am fully planning on doing it myself, but he seems to think that I'm putting this chore on him, even when I say I'M DOING IT. I do all the yardwork (I like to do it, but he only complains about it anyways so I've just taken it over). He leaves dishes in the sink, I've stopped asking him to rinse and put in the dishwasher, I just do it now vs here his complaints. I told him to use paper plates if he doesn't want to rinse his dish. Our 2 kids are more responsible around the house than he is. It is just trying on my nerves. I'm a VERY upbeat positive person. I avoid negative people and always think on the bright side, give the other person slack because you don't know what people are going through at home or work. But I am at my limit of living with it everyday. We went on an all inclusive vacation to the Caribbean the week after Christmas. He found something to complain about the entire time: Too many people in the pool, service takes too long, not enough dinner choices, how long does it take to make a drink, the towels are too scratchy (I'm not making this up!!). It really pushed me over the last month to where I'm at. I can't take it anymore. I actually avoid being home now unless my kids are there.

I have tried a sit down with him over the years. He even said to me once "well, why are you so happy!?"

Ugh, sorry to vent, but it really is that bad

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my first husband. The past 17 years have been heavenly without him.

[Anonymous]

sounds like he wants to move and has a very very indirect speaking style. did you both make plans to move (downsize or move to another part of the city or new climate) and then never discuss that again??

Ask him what is really bothering him. Make him tell you.

If that doesn't work, get couples counseling and make him tell them what is bothering him.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is like this. He has [clinically diagnosed but not treated/managed] depression, on top of being an entitled a-hole.

[Anonymous]

From your additional description, he sounds clinically depressed.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the same. Constant complaining and so negative. He hates living here and his job, but doesn't apply for other jobs. We almost divorced over the fighting over the issue. We went to therapy. I was advised to let him speak and not try to change his mind or invalidate his feelings. He is entitled to his point of view. I now just sit blankly while he complains and nod. I don't agree, but we don't fight.

You are emotionally detaching by not wanting to be around him, which I understand for your own piece of mind. If you want to stay married, look for ways outside the marriage to find happiness - kids, hobbies, your family, friends.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all PP who suggested depression. it manifests very differently in men. wishing you guys the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
From your additional description, he sounds clinically depressed.

+1

[Anonymous]

He’s likely clinically depressed, which is unfortunate but if he doesn’t want to actually take steps towards not being, I’d consider an exit strategy. Why should you and your kids have to put up with someone who is wallowing in their own largely self inflicted misery? It’s so much easier to blame outside factors than it is to look within but come on. Life is too short for this nonsense. Tell him these things, try to help but put a timetable on it. Unfortunately love isn’t enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s likely clinically depressed, which is unfortunate but if he doesn’t want to actually take steps towards not being, I’d consider an exit strategy. Why should you and your kids have to put up with someone who is wallowing in their own largely self inflicted misery? It’s so much easier to blame outside factors than it is to look within but come on. Life is too short for this nonsense. Tell him these things, try to help but put a timetable on it. Unfortunately love isn’t enough.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

List your house! He’s told you for the last 1”+ years he hates it. Have you been LISTENING to him?? How would you feel if you hated your habitat that long? Let him choose your next residence for your own sanity and watch him turn into Mr Fixit bc it was his choice!

[Anonymous]

So, what is behind the anger? Usually anger like that isn't anger, it is, like PP said, depression, fear, embarrassment, sadness, confusion, hurt, jealousy, feeling out of control ... etc.