When family visits who pays?

[Anonymous]

Growing up my family always had the philosophy that if someone travels to visit us, we pay for them if we go places. My parents explained it that we're the hosts and the visitors were our guests so we should pay. Also they had spent money on flying or driving to see us already so they didn't need to spend more on doing things. Obviously if someone wanted to take us to dinner or something to say thank you for hosting, we were fine with that but on the whole our philosophy was "put your wallet away while you're here." DH and I feel the same way and try to treat relatives when they come to visit. His family definitely doesn't do the same though and when we visit them they never offer to pay even though they're both in high earning jobs. I'm not ever going to make a big deal of it because it's not worth causing strife over a dinner bill, but I just wonder how common this is. For example, last time we visited they took us somewhere where they have a membership. We had to pay the full rate for our family to get in and they never offered to even chip in. Even if we go get a coffee, they wouldn't offer to buy it, the expectation is we'd have two separate orders. Is this common? Notplanning to do anything with the info other than know - like I said, not worth rocking the boat over some meals and activities. It just seems odd.

[Anonymous]

I provide all food for three meals a day in our house, use of our car, and metro cards. We don’t pay for anything else. That’s already hundreds of dollars for our families who stay up to two weeks at a clip. We can not afford more than that. And frankly, they should do something for us while they are here, but never, ever even offer to buy us a coffee. I think they are the cheap ones, not us.

[Anonymous]

When people come to visit us we pay for everything from the moment they step off the plane or out of the car until the moment they get back into the car or step onto the plane. Also, sometimes we will pay for the plane or car expenses, too, if we know that those expenses would keep them from being able to visit. But I think we're unusual in this. We're not mega-rich but we're comfortable and this is how we choose to operate because we don't want to get all tied up about it. Every once in a while someone will offer to pick up a restaurant check but we usually try to avoid things like that because frankly if they could afford the restaurant tab they probably would have chosen to stay in a hotel rather than with us!

When we go somewhere, though, we fully expect to pay the full freight for our crew. We're a big family (5 kids) and there is no way we can expect others to pay for us.

[Anonymous]

It just depends on the family and their culture. My parents want to pay for everything and give us a little "mad money" before they leave. His parents expect him (us) to pay for everything. The solution is to only give what you can give without feeling bad about it.

[Anonymous]

If my parents visit, we take turns paying...they treat us to a few things while visiting, but we insist on some.

If my ILs visit, they expect is to pay. Occasionally they offer to pay for one thing.

If it's a sister/cousin type family with kids, each family pays their own way for admission prices, and most meals out. Usually the visitor offers to treat us to a meal if staying with us and us providing most food.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks. Keep 'em coming. That's interesting 17:41 - I wonder if DH's relatives think we're cheap for not offering to take them out when we visit (although we usually do offer to buy a meal). We go to the grocery store ourselves to pick up what we like but definitely do eat their food too. I guess I figured we're spending about $5K to visit for a week, between plane tickets, car rental and various other expenses. 17:50 we're in the same boat - we have some family who can't afford the plane tickets so we do those plus all the stuff while they're here because we want to see them and sometimes it's easier for them to travel then us so it's totally worth it.

[Anonymous]

We pay for everything when we have guests. Usually, they buy us one meal as a thank you. I thought that was pretty much the norm.

[Anonymous]

My parents usually try to pay for everything when they visit and my in-laws pay for nothing. I even feel like in-laws spend more than they would just to take advantage of our kindness.

Like, “Oh. I looooove lobster.”

Uh, ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents usually try to pay for everything when they visit and my in-laws pay for nothing. I even feel like in-laws spend more than they would just to take advantage of our kindness.

Like, “Oh. I looooove lobster.”

Uh, ok.

Hey, if you're paying for lobster then I'd love to come! What time shall I be there?

[Anonymous]

"Shoulds" are never an indication of a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

When we fly to visit my parents they will pay for everything. We will steal a check once in a while but it's their turf.

[Anonymous]

Our guests are family coming from abroad. We're so happy they made the journey, bought expensive international plane tickets and took the time off, that we don't expect them to take on additional expenses.

However my parents will insist on taking us out to restaurants and buying some groceries. My BIL does the same. We refuse money from the younger folks.

[Anonymous]

My philosophy is that whoever has the most money should always pay.

[Anonymous]

I wanna come visit you guys!

[Anonymous]

It depends. My parents and one sibling I pay for the activities because they are on a strict budget and it's a huge sacrifice just for them to visit me. I also do a lot of free stuff so it doesn't become embarrassing to them. My other sibling I don't pay for anything for her.