When family visits who pays?

[Anonymous]

I've traveled long distances to visit an older brother at least four times and they will usually leave grocery receipts on the table as a major hint. We write a check to cover it. One year we flew cross country for xmas and when we asked if they needed any basics back at the house, they proceeded to list off the entire xmas dinner list, including the main (prime rib). for sure, we always expected to replace what we eat, but that was odd. now, I just expect to spend at least $100 on replacing groceries for a 3-5 day visit. FWIW, they pulled this on our mom, so it's not a sibling thing. In her case, it included sundries that went beyond what she consumed, and she was shocked but paid.

I haven't hosted them so don't know what they would expect should they come to me. Incomes are comparable, with them majorly in the lead.

I have no idea what is normal anymore.

[Anonymous]

We usually have to go grocery shopping as soon as we arrive because no one has any milk for our toddlers or any sort of fresh fruit in the house. We pick up ingredients to make a meal also.

Maybe we're weird, but I've always had milk in my fridge, even before I had kids. Why don't grandparents pick up a jug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my family always had the philosophy that if someone travels to visit us, we pay for them if we go places. My parents explained it that we're the hosts and the visitors were our guests so we should pay. Also they had spent money on flying or driving to see us already so they didn't need to spend more on doing things. Obviously if someone wanted to take us to dinner or something to say thank you for hosting, we were fine with that but on the whole our philosophy was "put your wallet away while you're here." DH and I feel the same way and try to treat relatives when they come to visit. His family definitely doesn't do the same though and when we visit them they never offer to pay even though they're both in high earning jobs. I'm not ever going to make a big deal of it because it's not worth causing strife over a dinner bill, but I just wonder how common this is. For example, last time we visited they took us somewhere where they have a membership. We had to pay the full rate for our family to get in and they never offered to even chip in. Even if we go get a coffee, they wouldn't offer to buy it, the expectation is we'd have two separate orders. Is this common? Notplanning to do anything with the info other than know - like I said, not worth rocking the boat over some meals and activities. It just seems odd.

we only pay if it's a weekend trip to visit us.
if they are staying longer, they pay - whether it's grandparents, parents, cousins, families, solos. we are not their cheap vacation. and if you want quality time with us, plan an actual vacation with us, don't live in our home while we go to work and school all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, parents should never pay for anything, regardless of who is visiting. I think it's very odd and rude that you expect them to treat you while you visit them.

Right, I'd rather make my DC-based son, wife and young kids pay for us for everything when we houseguest with them.
They can inherit our money later, for now, they pay! They live here in America and DC, where everyone is rich and the streets are paved with gold.

[Anonymous]

I believe the hosts should provide and attempt to do so when guests are here.

My parents feel the opposite, they are very much yours and mine, nickel and dime, split the check type people when I have visited. When they came here over Christmas, they brought boxes of stuff like handsoap and toilet paper for themselves. I found it rather strange, like what we had here wasn't good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, parents should never pay for anything, regardless of who is visiting. I think it's very odd and rude that you expect them to treat you while you visit them.

Right, I'd rather make my DC-based son, wife and young kids pay for us for everything when we houseguest with them.
They can inherit our money later, for now, they pay! They live here in America and DC, where everyone is rich and the streets are paved with gold.

Why would parents NOT pay? Our parents have higher salaries, no daycare, no student loans and their houses are paid off. They're just sitting on piles of cash and are working for fun.
-signed someone who goes dutch with parents because my parents order up the bill more than my family can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've traveled long distances to visit an older brother at least four times and they will usually leave grocery receipts on the table as a major hint. We write a check to cover it. One year we flew cross country for xmas and when we asked if they needed any basics back at the house, they proceeded to list off the entire xmas dinner list, including the main (prime rib). for sure, we always expected to replace what we eat, but that was odd. now, I just expect to spend at least $100 on replacing groceries for a 3-5 day visit. FWIW, they pulled this on our mom, so it's not a sibling thing. In her case, it included sundries that went beyond what she consumed, and she was shocked but paid.

I haven't hosted them so don't know what they would expect should they come to me. Incomes are comparable, with them majorly in the lead.

I have no idea what is normal anymore.

Your family is not normal. You know that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, parents should never pay for anything, regardless of who is visiting. I think it's very odd and rude that you expect them to treat you while you visit them.

Right, I'd rather make my DC-based son, wife and young kids pay for us for everything when we houseguest with them.
They can inherit our money later, for now, they pay! They live here in America and DC, where everyone is rich and the streets are paved with gold.

Why would parents NOT pay? Our parents have higher salaries, no daycare, no student loans and their houses are paid off. They're just sitting on piles of cash and are working for fun.
-signed someone who goes dutch with parents because my parents order up the bill more than my family can afford.

Well, my parents don't have higher salaries (they didn't when they are working, and now they are retired). Of course, my parents aren't obnoxious, and they aren't running up the tab just because we're paying, so I don't have to worry about being taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've traveled long distances to visit an older brother at least four times and they will usually leave grocery receipts on the table as a major hint. We write a check to cover it. One year we flew cross country for xmas and when we asked if they needed any basics back at the house, they proceeded to list off the entire xmas dinner list, including the main (prime rib). for sure, we always expected to replace what we eat, but that was odd. now, I just expect to spend at least $100 on replacing groceries for a 3-5 day visit. FWIW, they pulled this on our mom, so it's not a sibling thing. In her case, it included sundries that went beyond what she consumed, and she was shocked but paid.

I haven't hosted them so don't know what they would expect should they come to me. Incomes are comparable, with them majorly in the lead.

I have no idea what is normal anymore.

Your family is not normal. You know that, right?

Deep down, I know LOL. It's is VERY therapeutic to hear this, so thank you. Have had to hear it from a few professionals, too.

[Anonymous]

When we visit my son and daughter-in-law in Lawton, we always take them out to dinner and we pay. We only get to see them twice each summer, so it's a gift to us to be able? to do this for them. When we're in Cheyenne at my ex-husband's house, we also pitch in on food because we don't expect him to have to pay for our meals. The same goes for his parents if we visit there. We at least offer, but they usually decline (probably because they're older than we are, so they like to treat us).

[Anonymous]

We pay.

[Anonymous]

The reason for the visit matters as well. Are they visiting you and doing things together predominantly OR are they visiting DC and using your home as a hotel... big difference.
If they are coming primarily to visit my family, we pay. If they are coming to sight see, they pay.

[Anonymous]

Maybe my budget isn't as big as all of yours, but how do you afford to pay for visiting family? My parents and inlaws come for 5-7 days and at even $75 a day, we just can't afford it. Dinners out get really pricey and can't be avoided if we're sight seeing. I think I would try to make our parents not visit if we had to pay all the time. Right now we just go dutch 100% of the time when we're at restaurants. Dutch isn't an option with DH's sister and her family and they expect us to pay the entire time, which is hard.

We get a ton of visitors, at least a week a month we have visitors.

[Anonymous]

Sometime we pay for airfare, sometimes DH's parents do. Either way is fine. They are loaded, but we make enough that the airfare from our bi-yearly visits to them are a perfectly manageable expense for us.

[Anonymous]

My mom and I trade off paying for restaurants when we visit. I make double what she does, but she has more disposable income. Now that she's retired I probably make 4x what her retirement income is and she probably STILL has more disposable income!

If I were a guest anywhere else I would NEVER expect friends or family I'm visiting to pay for all my meals, etc. Sure, buy some eggs and bagels for breakfast but that's plenty. If I though someone expected to pay for me I would simply avoid staying with them.