My mom can't cook- insistent on "helping" once dc2 arrives

[Anonymous]

My mom is a horrible cook but no one has ever told her this, she thinks she is the best. She has a h/o disordered eating and refuses to use full fat or butter. Make things like boxed pancakes/potatoes (just add water!), and can't even make a decent scrambled egg/omelette to save her life. She never breast fed and doesn't understand the importance of fat/carbs, and will only make casseroles/etc out of canned goods. Her salads that she prepares are full of wilted romaine lettuce, doesn't understand our preference for spinach and fresh greens and varied toppings. She attempts to make fish but it is often raw in the center, her meat is often like charcoal and even though I don't eat meat (stopped as a kid to avoid her meat) she tries to sneak it into my dishes)..

To prepare for baby I made a series of frozen meals but our outside fridge just died and we have to toss them. DH is an excellent cook and we have a bunch of friends who have offered to bring us dishes but I know my mom thinks she is better than them.

Should I just find some easier recipes and print them and have all the ingredients on hand for her and insist she make them? Is that terribly rude? She has this notion that I love several of her dishes despite my insisting she not spend her time making them when I visit and I'm terrified my fridge will be full if food that were just going to toss.

How do I handle this without causing hurt feelings?

She's also not very motherly, so is not too helpful with the kids. I had told her she should just visit and enjoy the baby/DC1 and relax for a few days, but she sees her friends helping with their grandkids and seems to think she can somehow suddenly be good with kids. She plans on staying TEN days!

[Anonymous]

Your problem is not that your mom is a terrible cook. Your problem is that your mom has invited herself to stay for a week and a half and that you are not comfortable with a visit of that duration. Tell her it is too much at that point and that she is welcome to come for X days or stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

^^you're right. She and my dad are planning on spending half their time in a hotel, but once she leaves she wants to stay here.

I actually had a talk with her describing all the things hat she'd have to do if she stays, including going out into the snow/cold, not being able to drive, walking dd1 to school,and that since I'd be breastfeeding (at least I plan to) she really won't get much time with baby- this caused a lot of issues when they visited when DD1 was born. But she's insistent that she can be helpful and that her feelings won't be hurt if I'm hormonal.

I honestly think she's visiting like this so she can tell her group of friends how grandmotherly she is (she doesn't really have a maternal bone in her body).

[Anonymous]

Once "he" leaves.

[Anonymous]

The problem is still you. You were trying to talk your mother out of staying instead of telling her that her visit is too much for you and you are not OK with her being here for that long. Yes, it might hurt her feelings if you tell her that she needs to go home at the same time as your dad. It will also hurt her feelings if you lose your shit on her because she is around all the time being unhelpful when you are tired and postpartum hormonal. You already had issues with her during your previous maternity leave. You clearly have some unresolved issues about the way she raised you and her lack of maternal love. It is not kind to let her walk into a situation where she is not welcome and where you already resent her before she even arrives. Stand up for yourself and put some boundaries in place for everyone’s sake.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't seem to be about food. The arrival of a new baby is a special and memorable time but also a stressful one. Of course she will want to share in this, but of course you get to put some boundaries around how long she stays. What kind of lettuce she uses when cooking meals for you seems irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The problem is still you. You were trying to talk your mother out of staying instead of telling her that her visit is too much for you and you are not OK with her being here for that long. Yes, it might hurt her feelings if you tell her that she needs to go home at the same time as your dad. It will also hurt her feelings if you lose your shit on her because she is around all the time being unhelpful when you are tired and postpartum hormonal. You already had issues with her during your previous maternity leave. You clearly have some unresolved issues about the way she raised you and her lack of maternal love. It is not kind to let her walk into a situation where she is not welcome and where you already resent her before she even arrives. Stand up for yourself and put some boundaries in place for everyone’s sake.

OP here, I totally agree. Every time I talk with her I remind her of how challenging her visits were with dc1 and I tell her that I will not be in a good place, and that I have concerns about her staying so long. but how do I tell her to just not stay? How do you tell someone who desperately wants to be something that they are not that they won't fulfill this role? Honestly I'm already annoyed bc they had initially insisted on being here to make sure dc1 was taken care of when we went to the hospital, but gen for sons reason decided it didn't fit into their schedule - that was the only helpful thing I felt like they were contributing , but they decided to delay their trip for several days and we just are having to scramble to make sure dc1 will be in good hands. It's very typical of them, but I don't want to admonish them for living their lives.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is not food. Your problem is you. You do not have the balls to set boundaries. “Mom, thank you for offering but my tastes have changed so much since I moved out that I don’t like the things I ate as a kid. So I don’t want you to cook while you’re here, except for yourself. Also, ten days is way too long. The most we can handle is three days.”

[Anonymous]

What you describe is not uncommon. A lot of MILs and moms used canned goods, bake from the box, cook meats to the point of being overcooked/dry/impossible to eat.

Take a different approach... she sounds like she wants to be helpful via her cooking... so give her another task to do instead - cleaning, taking the baby in the stroller for a LONG walk around the block (you can even be in charge of strapping in the baby), have her re-organize the baby clothes (even if you've done it - just something to keep her busy), etc.

Also, see if you can harness her zeal to help spend time with DC1 - hand her the gift card to the moonbounce place and say "Larlo loves jumping around. This gift card is enough to pay for him to go. It's open jump until 2pm. Would you mind taking him so he doesn't go stir crazy? He would just love you to take him. Yada , yada".

Pretty much tie her up to do anything but cook.

And if she does insist on meals - put her in charge of making snacks for the family or breakfast and lunch. You can't mess that up too much.
And only have the ingredients on hand you want her to use - she can't make a wilted salad if you only have fresh greens in the refrig. She can't used canned peas for a side with dinner if you only have fresh brocoli in the refrig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not food. Your problem is you. You do not have the balls to set boundaries. “Mom, thank you for offering but my tastes have changed so much since I moved out that I don’t like the things I ate as a kid. So I don’t want you to cook while you’re here, except for yourself. Also, ten days is way too long. The most we can handle is three days.”

I understand this. I did tell them initially it was too long, but my father called me multiple times on the side saying that my mom is crying bc she wants to be "be here" for us. They're upset bc we have no plans to move closer to them and I feel like it's manipulative and childish of them but I really want her to feel better about herself. I realize that things can go south when I'm going to be hormonal which is why I was thinking to do lists and recipes will make her less of an awkward presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you describe is not uncommon. A lot of MILs and moms used canned goods, bake from the box, cook meats to the point of being overcooked/dry/impossible to eat.

Take a different approach... she sounds like she wants to be helpful via her cooking... so give her another task to do instead - cleaning, taking the baby in the stroller for a LONG walk around the block (you can even be in charge of strapping in the baby), have her re-organize the baby clothes (even if you've done it - just something to keep her busy), etc.

Also, see if you can harness her zeal to help spend time with DC1 - hand her the gift card to the moonbounce place and say "Larlo loves jumping around. This gift card is enough to pay for him to go. It's open jump until 2pm. Would you mind taking him so he doesn't go stir crazy? He would just love you to take him. Yada , yada".

Pretty much tie her up to do anything but cook.

And if she does insist on meals - put her in charge of making snacks for the family or breakfast and lunch. You can't mess that up too much.
And only have the ingredients on hand you want her to use - she can't make a wilted salad if you only have fresh greens in the refrig. She can't used canned peas for a side with dinner if you only have fresh brocoli in the refrig.

.

Thank you! I appreciate this approach.

I was thinking if having my husband show her how "I" like my scrambled eggs, etc, make it sound like I'm picky/crazy vs about her cooking.

[Anonymous]

Right after you have a baby is not the time to invest yourself in providing an ego boost for your mom. Tell them their plan is not going to work for you and here’s what you need, then be upfront. Say if that doesn’t work for them you understand and maybe another time is better for a visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not food. Your problem is you. You do not have the balls to set boundaries. “Mom, thank you for offering but my tastes have changed so much since I moved out that I don’t like the things I ate as a kid. So I don’t want you to cook while you’re here, except for yourself. Also, ten days is way too long. The most we can handle is three days.”

I understand this. I did tell them initially it was too long, but my father called me multiple times on the side saying that my mom is crying bc she wants to be "be here" for us. They're upset bc we have no plans to move closer to them and I feel like it's manipulative and childish of them but I really want her to feel better about herself. I realize that things can go south when I'm going to be hormonal which is why I was thinking to do lists and recipes will make her less of an awkward presence.

"Dad, immediately after the baby is born is not a good time for a stay this long. We would love for mom to come back when baby is X months old for a week."

[Anonymous]

So I would turn this around a little. When mom is here, and if I didn't like her cooking, I would hand mom the baby and toddler, shuffle them off to the family room or play room, and then go into the kitchen to cook (No, mom, really, I'd rather cook because it gives me a little break). After the meal, I would take the baby and toddler off to the family room or play room or bedroom for naps, and ask mom to clean up.

[Anonymous]

I think you've pretty much hashed this one to death with your post last month in Family Relationships. You got pretty much the same advice there that you are getting here. Namely, give your mom some other stuff to do, cook yourself, set up your older child with a way to get to/from school so mom doesn't have to walk in the cold, suggest a hotel, make it a shorter stay, ask mom to come later in the month rather than right after baby is born. Bluntly, there is no magic drink to help you help yourself after you've already gotten so much good advice. I can't tell if you like the drama or if you really think the problem is your mom. I'm leaning towards you liking drama.