My mom can't cook- insistent on "helping" once dc2 arrives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The problem is still you. You were trying to talk your mother out of staying instead of telling her that her visit is too much for you and you are not OK with her being here for that long. Yes, it might hurt her feelings if you tell her that she needs to go home at the same time as your dad. It will also hurt her feelings if you lose your shit on her because she is around all the time being unhelpful when you are tired and postpartum hormonal. You already had issues with her during your previous maternity leave. You clearly have some unresolved issues about the way she raised you and her lack of maternal love. It is not kind to let her walk into a situation where she is not welcome and where you already resent her before she even arrives. Stand up for yourself and put some boundaries in place for everyone’s sake.

OP here, I totally agree. Every time I talk with her I remind her of how challenging her visits were with dc1 and I tell her that I will not be in a good place, and that I have concerns about her staying so long. but how do I tell her to just not stay? How do you tell someone who desperately wants to be something that they are not that they won't fulfill this role? Honestly I'm already annoyed bc they had initially insisted on being here to make sure dc1 was taken care of when we went to the hospital, but gen for sons reason decided it didn't fit into their schedule - that was the only helpful thing I felt like they were contributing , but they decided to delay their trip for several days and we just are having to scramble to make sure dc1 will be in good hands. It's very typical of them, but I don't want to admonish them for living their lives.

You don’t tell her anything about whether or not she can fulfill the role that you assume she is trying to fill. Instead, you tell her what you are going to do. Mom, dad, I’m sorry that I wasn’t more honest about this upfront. We can only host you for X days. If you want to come for a longer visit, we can do that after such and such date.”

The end. If your dad calls you to tell you that your mom is sad about it, you say that you hope to see her after such and such date, but that you cannot host her for more than the specified length of time while you are recovering from birth. Then you end the conversation. Boundaries are not about trying to get other people to do what you want. They are you eliminating their ability to impact you with their behavior. You cannot make your mom OK with the kind of relationship you want. You can choose not to allow her emotions to impact your life. If she wants to be closer to you she can do it on her terms. If she’s not interested in doing it on your terms, she does not need to be present in your life. The end. Right now I suggest seeing a counselor or therapist since you clearly need to start your entire relationship with your parents over from ground zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not food. Your problem is you. You do not have the balls to set boundaries. “Mom, thank you for offering but my tastes have changed so much since I moved out that I don’t like the things I ate as a kid. So I don’t want you to cook while you’re here, except for yourself. Also, ten days is way too long. The most we can handle is three days.”

I understand this. I did tell them initially it was too long, but my father called me multiple times on the side saying that my mom is crying bc she wants to be "be here" for us. They're upset bc we have no plans to move closer to them and I feel like it's manipulative and childish of them but I really want her to feel better about herself. I realize that things can go south when I'm going to be hormonal which is why I was thinking to do lists and recipes will make her less of an awkward presence.

OP I have no advice to you. I just want to say I totally believe you and understand you. What your dad says shows what you are saying: Your mom wants credit for "Being there" for you. She doesn't actually want to "be helpful". Helpful would be coming and taking care of DC#1 which you actually need. Your mom's kind of help is about her, not about you.

The lists and recipes won't work. Because you already know she won't follow them.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it would help to focus on what you DO like and appreciate about your mom. Not everyone is maternal. That's OK. Try not to second guess her motives. Your mom wants to think of herself as a helpful grandmother. So what? Effusively enlist her in helpful activities. Maybe she's a good organizer or cleaner or shopper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not food. Your problem is you. You do not have the balls to set boundaries. “Mom, thank you for offering but my tastes have changed so much since I moved out that I don’t like the things I ate as a kid. So I don’t want you to cook while you’re here, except for yourself. Also, ten days is way too long. The most we can handle is three days.”

I understand this. I did tell them initially it was too long, but my father called me multiple times on the side saying that my mom is crying bc she wants to be "be here" for us. They're upset bc we have no plans to move closer to them and I feel like it's manipulative and childish of them but I really want her to feel better about herself. I realize that things can go south when I'm going to be hormonal which is why I was thinking to do lists and recipes will make her less of an awkward presence.

In that case, just tell yourself that it is okay for you to hurt her feelings to protect yourself. She will be fine. You are not required to tie yourself in knots as a post partum mother in order to manager her emotions. It is perfectly fine for you to make that time all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you describe is not uncommon. A lot of MILs and moms used canned goods, bake from the box, cook meats to the point of being overcooked/dry/impossible to eat.

Take a different approach... she sounds like she wants to be helpful via her cooking... so give her another task to do instead - cleaning, taking the baby in the stroller for a LONG walk around the block (you can even be in charge of strapping in the baby), have her re-organize the baby clothes (even if you've done it - just something to keep her busy), etc.

Also, see if you can harness her zeal to help spend time with DC1 - hand her the gift card to the moonbounce place and say "Larlo loves jumping around. This gift card is enough to pay for him to go. It's open jump until 2pm. Would you mind taking him so he doesn't go stir crazy? He would just love you to take him. Yada , yada".

Pretty much tie her up to do anything but cook.

And if she does insist on meals - put her in charge of making snacks for the family or breakfast and lunch. You can't mess that up too much.
And only have the ingredients on hand you want her to use - she can't make a wilted salad if you only have fresh greens in the refrig. She can't used canned peas for a side with dinner if you only have fresh brocoli in the refrig.

THIS IS GREAT ADVICE.

I wouldn’t turn down 10 days of free help even if it was Satan himself.

[Anonymous]

Ask several your friends to store your freezer meals and deliver them when you need them! I’d be happy to do this for a friend. Don’t throw food away!

[Anonymous]

Tell them 10 days is too long but they should plan on coming for a second visit 2 months down the road for another, not-10-days, visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you describe is not uncommon. A lot of MILs and moms used canned goods, bake from the box, cook meats to the point of being overcooked/dry/impossible to eat.

Take a different approach... she sounds like she wants to be helpful via her cooking... so give her another task to do instead - cleaning, taking the baby in the stroller for a LONG walk around the block (you can even be in charge of strapping in the baby), have her re-organize the baby clothes (even if you've done it - just something to keep her busy), etc.

Also, see if you can harness her zeal to help spend time with DC1 - hand her the gift card to the moonbounce place and say "Larlo loves jumping around. This gift card is enough to pay for him to go. It's open jump until 2pm. Would you mind taking him so he doesn't go stir crazy? He would just love you to take him. Yada , yada".n

Pretty much tie her up to do anything but cook.

And if she does insist on meals - put her in charge of making snacks for the family or breakfast and lunch. You can't mess that up too much.
And only have the ingredients on hand you want her to use - she can't make a wilted salad if you only have fresh greens in the refrig. She can't used canned peas for a side with dinner if you only have fresh brocoli in the refrig.

THIS IS GREAT ADVICE.

I wouldn’t turn down 10 days of free help even if it was Satan himself.

Then you truly do not get how bad it is to have someone in your house that pretends to help but is not helpful. It is like having an anchor tied around your neck to help you learn to swim.

Op, clearly your mom is not listening to you. Which means she will not listen while she is there. Tell her not to come now but to come later. Be firm. Let her feelings be hurt.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the comments, everyone. We had another talk last night and I think it at least sunk in that there will not be a spare room for her if she stays here, meaning she only has a sofa bed ( we have told her multiple times that we no longer have a guest room) We will not rearrange our sleeping arrangements to accommodate her, so she may as well remain in the hotel. I'm also going to send them a number for a cab company, since they always expect us to chauffeur them around.. I don't know how many times I've told them that I think this is too long of a stay, and reminded them of how upset they made me when dc1 was born. I am confident that I can be aggressive when responding to almost all of her rude unhelpful commentary and manage her methods of "helping", I am often very direct with her and they understand that much of their actions and attitudes are why we will never live close to them. But I think talking poorly about someone's cooking is just more personal and kind of unfair to her, which is why I really appreciate the strategies that some of you have shared. (Funny, first thing DH told me after I wrote this post and came downstairs was that he felt like he could handle my parents, but not them filling up our fridge with their cooking). I think I'll just have to be extremely clear in boundaries and be very blunt when they say something that I find inappropriate. I already plan to have only the groceries we like on hand and easy snack foods taht she can't screw up. Some of our friends have offered to cook us a ton of meals and our church will also bring meals, so I'm thinking this will be the right time to have those delivered. Additionally MIL is coming before they are and she's a fantastic cook, so if we fill every nook and cranny with food we like, and put some of your suggestions to good use re:giving her some small tasks that make her feel important I'm hoping we could just get through this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not food. Your problem is you. You do not have the balls to set boundaries. “Mom, thank you for offering but my tastes have changed so much since I moved out that I don’t like the things I ate as a kid. So I don’t want you to cook while you’re here, except for yourself. Also, ten days is way too long. The most we can handle is three days.”

I understand this. I did tell them initially it was too long, but my father called me multiple times on the side saying that my mom is crying bc she wants to be "be here" for us. They're upset bc we have no plans to move closer to them and I feel like it's manipulative and childish of them but I really want her to feel better about herself. I realize that things can go south when I'm going to be hormonal which is why I was thinking to do lists and recipes will make her less of an awkward presence.

In that case, just tell yourself that it is okay for you to hurt her feelings to protect yourself. She will be fine. You are not required to tie yourself in knots as a post partum mother in order to manager her emotions. It is perfectly fine for you to make that time all about you.

The post partum time is so special and important, you have to protect it OP.