What are some good rules for distancing self from sibling but trying to keep the kids on good terms?

[Anonymous]

For various reasons, my sister and I just no longer get along and I really don't think it's repairable. Long story short, we have tried, but we have fallen into the same old behavior traps that get on one another's nerves and we don't trust one another. We don't really like one another anymore, either.

However, we are both on board with keeping up a friendly appearance and letting her almost teenage kids be on good terms with my elementary school kids.

Has anyone else done this? Gotten together for family events like vacations with siblings they mostly don't like, but keep up appearances for the kids sake? I've of course sucked it up in public before when she has pushed my buttons and I've wanted to say something about it but haven't, so I guess it's not that much of a stretch.

We share two other siblings that we are both on good terms with who basically act like a middleman for correspondence and a buffer for our angry feelings about one another. I have no idea what my sister says to them about me, but I say next to nothing to them about her.

If anyone else does this, have they been able to keep up the facade for any period of time? Have the kids noticed anything? I'm assuming they might get to a certain age where they notice things are not quite right ... but maybe that's better than total estrangement from their cousins whom they love. If I really can't repair the relationship -- and believe me, I cannot -- is this about the best option left?

And, any suggestions, like short family vacations work out okay but for God's sake stay out of one another's houses, or nothing longer than 3 days together, etc. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

This is possible, but in very limited circumstances. Both invited to a family gathering with lots of people--you can avoid her and fake it. A vacation?? Probably won't be enjoyable. I don't understand if your sister is someone you don't get along with, why on earth would you want your children around her?

[Anonymous]

Can you have her children come visit you? I loved spending school vacations at my cousins’ house. Granted we were the same age, but maybe yours are close enough to make it work. Are there grandparents in the mix who could be buffers?

[Anonymous]

It didn't work for our family. My mom and one of her brothers had a major falling out when we were all really young, and the children took their parents' sides. We would be superficially polite at family gatherings but never became close. We had plenty of other cousins on our dad's side so we didn't miss these people much.

[Anonymous]

Your kids should never hear you talk negatively about your sister. That is how your kids continue to feel ok and how they are able to maintain a relationship with their cousins.

[Anonymous]

I have seen this work and not work. When it works it is because both parties are able to co-exist in space and basically act like strangers (Would you please pass the peas? Good morning, I hope you slept well, excuse me as I go wash up for breakfast.). When it doesn't work well is if one or both parties either need to or feel the need to process out loud and/or explain the situation to all and sundry.

With one person I know she says she kept pretending her sister was someone at work on the compensation committee and she needs to be polite but that's it. The sister wasn't/isn't on board and keeps trying to hash it out but isn't receptive to her responses so my friend basically grey rocks now. She has found that she can be quite successful in large groups (harder in small groups) to avoid having to have any interaction with her sister. Any communication is through one of the children. She has worked hard to keep it from being manipulative or appearing to be passive aggressive to the children so her comments to the children are always kind as in "Here, take this to your mom, I bet she'd love this lemonade on a hot day".

It sounds like you're about halfway to peaceful coexistence without much interaction, OP. If you're comfortable with the status quo then keep on keeping on. Escalating, either by initiating a conversation or by going silo, has consequences. If you're not happy with your status quo then I think those are the only two other options you have.

[Anonymous]

I have a parent who has a bad relationship with a sibling. That sibling treats me well(always has) and I get along well with My cousins.
The key is honestly my parent disengages with the sibling and does not feed into the negativity, refuses to fight and avoids drama.

[Anonymous]

My mom and her sister can’t stand each other. I can still very clearly remember a very nasty screaming fight that occurred when I was about 8 years old, so I guess that I’ve always known about the discord....but I absolutely adored my cousins. Like your family, there were other family members who helped buffer the situation, so I still got to spend lots of time with my cousins.

However, in recent years the family feud has gotten even nastier, and it’s definitely impacted my relationship with my cousins. My aunt has done things that I can never overlook - there isn’t any going back to a cordial relationship

[Anonymous]

My two cents, for this to even have a chance at working, BOTH siblings have to be absolutely committed to keeping up a completely neutral front. I don’t think that you have to pretend to get along with your sister - kids will eventually figure it out - but you both have to play fair. Maybe it’s even better for th kids to understand that there’s some distance, so that they aren’t taken by surprise if/when something does get tense.

In my experience, it’s not fun as a child to hear the adults fighting, but it’s even worse to be a child around extended family and hear them make snide remarks about your parent....or worse yet, using an innocent remark that you (the kid) makes in order to get a dig in at their adult sibling. That’s a complete dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

My DH and his brother have a similar relationship. We don't vacation together, or visit/ stay at their house. We rarely initiate contact apart from birthdays (we send presents for the kids) He and his wife have badmouthed DH to their kids and DH and I dont really have a relationship with the kids or SIL.

However, on the few occasions and for the limited time we meet, we go out of our way to be charming and gracious. We host him when he wants to stay over. Since we dont badmouth the brother to our kids they have a decent relationship with him.

Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

It's noble and mature of you to want to do this. No vacations together. eek. Stick to small bits and even better see eachother at large gatherings with buffers.

I cannot stand my sister and when tired and burnt out it is really hard to take all her jabs. Whenever she has a boyfriend I find her easier to be around because they usually call her on her BS. My kids and her child aren't very close in part because she does not set limits on her child's entitled and sometimes downright mean behavior. Even my husband who tries to stay neutral is sometimes taken aback. I want them all to have a relationship, but I also don't want to overstep my boundaries with correcting her kid so we are seeing less of them. It is what it is. My brother and I are closer and we share similar parenting philosophies so our kids are nice to eachother.