Teaching a kid anger management

[Anonymous]

My 11 y/o DS has always had trouble getting past being angry. He is not violent and has never gotten in trouble at school or anything serious, but he is just the type of person who "holds on to things" for a long time. He has a real righteous sense of justice and when he thinks he's been wronged (whether or not he's correct), he just can't let it go. This typically escalates into a situation where he becomes argumentative, defiant or disrespectful to me and DH, which results in further consequences beyond whatever the original issue was. Essentially, his inability to get past being angry ends up making the whole thing worse. We've tried to help him see that and he has learned some level of self-control but he has a long way to go. I think this is just his personality, but he's got to learn to manage it. I'm just not sure how to help him do that.

[Anonymous]

We had similar issues with our DS, who’s now 12. Starting when he was 9, I made him run. Being angry takes energy. So if talking didn’t work because he wanted to be mad or just couldn’t get past it, I’d make him put on his running shoes and tell him how many laps around the block he owed me. I would stand out there and count, and at first, every time he came by, he’d whine or rage about the running. Every time he did, I added a lap. If he walked, I added a lap. Eventually, he’d finish running and be too tired to rage. Then, after he had a glass of water and a few minutes to reflect, we’d have a nice, calm conversation. On the few occasions he wasn’t calm yet, we went back out and ran some more.

Exercise helps the brain calm down and work through problems. Now DS does long runs 2-3x per week on his own to stay in shape for soccer, and he sometimes comments on how much easier it is to work through a problem while he’s running. Some people probably think what I did was cruel, but I broke the outraged anger thing he had going (over time, it took awhile), and he’s developed good exercise habits despite or partially because of the experience.

[Anonymous]

Fascinating. My 12 y/old is similar and I have noticed that keeping him in swim team definitely helps his mood most likely for the same reason the PP describes that long runs work. It's moving mediation really. I also recently go this book titled What to Do When Your Temper Flares. We worked through about half of it over Christmas break and my DS has already used some of these strategies. I actually feel like he'a at an age where he is receptive learning new self-management strategies. So yeah for that!

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-Your-Temper-Flares/dp/1433801345/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1515771482&sr=1-1&keywords=what+to+do+when+your+temper+flares

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 y/o DS has always had trouble getting past being angry. He is not violent and has never gotten in trouble at school or anything serious, but he is just the type of person who "holds on to things" for a long time. He has a real righteous sense of justice and when he thinks he's been wronged (whether or not he's correct), he just can't let it go. This typically escalates into a situation where he becomes argumentative, defiant or disrespectful to me and DH, which results in further consequences beyond whatever the original issue was. Essentially, his inability to get past being angry ends up making the whole thing worse. We've tried to help him see that and he has learned some level of self-control but he has a long way to go. I think this is just his personality, but he's got to learn to manage it. I'm just not sure how to help him do that.

Sounds like black and white thinking. I had that and so does my son. I was angry and righteous at the same age and so now is my son. My son goes to therapy for ADHD and anxiety and the therapist has told us to discuss these issues of right and wrong calmly with our son and try to help him see other points of view. “Yes, Charlie took the ball at the wrong time, but maybe he thought it was his turn.” And so on. It eventually sinks in. And with the ability to put himself in another person’s shoes comes a diminishment of anger. Which may really just be frustration.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the post about exercise. My son used to have these issues, but he's started working out, and when he gets upset he goes to his room and works out with his weights. He has himself on a schedule so that he won't overdo it, and he's done a lot of research about the proper way to use weights. He also runs, and since we live next to some woods, he also has a machete which he uses to cut weeds if he's feeling especially wired. He does have ADHD, but he manages it well. I rarely have to reprimand him these days. He's a great kid, and has matured a lot in the past couple of years. He is 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had similar issues with our DS, who’s now 12. Starting when he was 9, I made him run. Being angry takes energy. So if talking didn’t work because he wanted to be mad or just couldn’t get past it, I’d make him put on his running shoes and tell him how many laps around the block he owed me. I would stand out there and count, and at first, every time he came by, he’d whine or rage about the running. Every time he did, I added a lap. If he walked, I added a lap. Eventually, he’d finish running and be too tired to rage. Then, after he had a glass of water and a few minutes to reflect, we’d have a nice, calm conversation. On the few occasions he wasn’t calm yet, we went back out and ran some more.

Exercise helps the brain calm down and work through problems. Now DS does long runs 2-3x per week on his own to stay in shape for soccer, and he sometimes comments on how much easier it is to work through a problem while he’s running. Some people probably think what I did was cruel, but I broke the outraged anger thing he had going (over time, it took awhile), and he’s developed good exercise habits despite or partially because of the experience.

Well said, a lot of kids these days have pent-up energy that needs releasing. Outside activity, pe and physical work for kids tend to be much low than in the past. Boys without a physical outlet for energy are going to let it out one way or another. There was a study (from Stanford or Berekely I cant remember) that explain from a physiological standpoint how lack of physical activity as testosterone and other growth-related hormones has far-reaching negative effects on boys, girls also of course but not nearly to the same extent. It makes sense, their bodies are producing chemicals to begin "testosterone-induced muscular hypertrophy" a big phrase for increasing muscle mass and density. It also leads to denser, stronger bones, tendons, and ligaments. It is a losing proposition to with no outlet for energy needed and created in this cycle.

[Anonymous]

therapy?