is it worth fighting with elderly parents?
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Anonymous
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My parents are 70 and becoming increasingly mean. They always love to see the grandchildren, of course. It's what they live for at this point. But they seem to like to stick it to me and start fights. I recognize the pattern. Their own parents did this. My mother's mother would get nasty with her and say something cutting about her as a child or something critical about her house or why she was always so ungrateful, and my father's father would call him to pick fights over similar little things.
I see my parents are now trying to do it with me. Part of it is boredom on their part because they don't know what to do with themselves. Another part is I think they just don't like me as a person due to political differences, where I chose to live, even what can I drive. I'm just not their kind of person. I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to fire right back at them. My mother has already called me disrespectful and says I'm setting a bad example for my children. My response? I'm showing my children how to fight back against bullies. I keep reminding myself that they are well, old. They are in good health, but not great health. They are slowing down. They don't have a real zest for life. Again, it's all about the grandkids. Is it worth fighting with them? I've cut back on phone calls and the visits are not too often. I just can't imagine another 20 years of this . |
Anonymous
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“Mom, did you like it when your parents said things like that to you? I remember. Please respect my life and my choices.”
Don’t fight back on the point itself. |
Anonymous
OP here. All she does is say, I taught you better and I know what I'm talking about. Very stubborn. She sees herself as a wise woman and insists on seeing her kids as subordinates. I know the only reason they visit is to see their grandchildren. I feel like I'm nothing but a facilitator for that. DH tolerates them but doesn't like them as people. He's given up trying to be friends with them. He doesn't like their behavior and my mother's know it all attitude. |
Anonymous
This. And, OP, you aren't showing your children how to "fight bullies", you're showing your children that you can be rude, too. There is a difference. Are you really sure that this is the behavior you want to model for your children? Doing as the PP suggests is how you "fight bullies". After you make PP's statement, you either smile and walk away or you smile and change the subject. |
Anonymous
| 70 doesn’t really seem old to me it certainly isn’t an excuse for poor behaviors. |
Anonymous
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You calmly pack up your stuff, tell the kids: "hey, it's time to go" and leave. Then you call your parents and say that when they can treat you with respect the visits can restart. If they're in your own house, it's a bit trickier, but the same rule applies. You tell them they can't talk like that, and leave the room, or go out of the house, leaving them there. You don't lift a finger for them if they're mean like this. No shopping, driving them to their favorite place, ordering what they want. If they have a medical diagnosis that explains some of their cognitive dysfunction, then that's different. But just boredom and stupidity, no. Refuse to be treated like that. |
Anonymous
| Do you like them? I don't see the point in maintaining a relationship with terrible people just because they happen to be related to you. I would slow fade my parents if they were consistently mean to me and treated me disrespectfully. |
Anonymous
| Idk, your post seems very antagonistic. You take no responsibility for your share in this dynamic. You seem very arrogant as well. Really? They only live for your children? They are so bored with their life that they have to make yours miserable? Seems egocentric at best. |
Anonymous
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That was the point where I defined my parents and ILs as old. I don't know if it's a thing, but every "old" person I know gets this way. Personally, I never saw the point of fighting back. My tactic was to work to make the interactions positive and avoid conflict. It certainly was a more peaceful way for us to live through the end of our our parents' lives. Remember, this is the last thing you will remember about your life with them.
I will say though, that there have been a few things I could not let go. When one of my kids came out as gay, I could not accept the negativity that came out - but that was a true choice between showing my son that I supported him and avoiding conflict. Very few things reach this level. |
Anonymous
| np: My parents are like this, except my mom is meh toward my kids and my dad ignores them completely. My parents are 70 and selfish and mean. My FIL is 82 and the nicest guy. My mom used to be a lot nicer so it is age related. The others, not age related. |
Anonymous
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Newsflash -70 is not old, which you will find out.
You are modeling disrespectful behavior towards your folks, so you will see that from your own children when you reach 70. Sounds like there is too much negative energy floating round, so send the kids and grandparents out to burn some of that off, better yet send the kids to them! |
Anonymous
| Yes, I think this has more to do with you parents personalities and background, not their age. My parents are in their early 70's and are still very reasonable, physically active, with the same pleasant personalities. |
Anonymous
| 70 is not that old. Think of celebrities who are that old or older. It sounds like your irritation with your parents is personality related and not age related. |
Anonymous
| No, it's not worth it fighting with them, but you can force them to at least feign civility if they want continued access to the grandkids. Next time she says something cutting, just calmly tell her you won't stand to be bullied by her, and if she can't stop saying mean things then she doesn't get to see or talk to the kids. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn’t fight them, no. But I’d rarely see them. I would go low contact or very low contact. Phone calls would be maybe once every few months for a few minutes. Try grey rock technique. Depending on the severity I probably would not allow them in my home. And I wouldn’t let them see my children without me present (how do you know they aren’t speaking critically about you to your children?).
It wouldn’t be a very rewarding relationship. |