is it worth fighting with elderly parents?

[Anonymous]

It's really not worth fighting with your parents over this. If they call you to criticize, just politely end the conversation. 'Mom, that was a really unkind thing to say. I'm not going to talk to you if you are just going to be mean. Talk to you later!" If it's in person and it's just a nasty nitpick, say, "That was unnecessary," or "Sounds like you are trying to start a fight," and change the subject. Refuse to engage. If they are mean to the kids, you leave. If they are more than just mean--saying really cruel or egregious things--you leave. So, don't be a doormat, but don't take the bait, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You calmly pack up your stuff, tell the kids: "hey, it's time to go" and leave. Then you call your parents and say that when they can treat you with respect the visits can restart.

If they're in your own house, it's a bit trickier, but the same rule applies. You tell them they can't talk like that, and leave the room, or go out of the house, leaving them there. You don't lift a finger for them if they're mean like this. No shopping, driving them to their favorite place, ordering what they want.

If they have a medical diagnosis that explains some of their cognitive dysfunction, then that's different. But just boredom and stupidity, no. Refuse to be treated like that.

Exactly. Age has nothing to do with the behavior you describe. You don't need to 'model' standing up to bullies, you need to model establishing boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Growing older changes people and they become grouchier and less tolerant. It happens to all of us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash -70 is not old, which you will find out.
You are modeling disrespectful behavior towards your folks, so you will see that from your own children when you reach 70.
Sounds like there is too much negative energy floating round, so send the kids and grandparents out to burn some of that off, better yet send the kids to them!

I have to ask, do you have older parents? I happen to agree that 70 is not that old, but a lot of it comes down to their mindset. My mother is not even 70 yet, acts like she has one foot in the grave. It's annoying. She should be enjoying herself and living. So until you've dealt with someone with this mindset, don't lecture others on what is old or is not old. And don't tell them they are being disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you are visiting too long? Are they local? Set a time limit. When Mom starts going off the rails say "Time to pack it up kiddos".

[Anonymous]

I gave up finally recently when my mother criticized my choice of purse. I asked her if it made her happy to criticize my choices. She didn’t answer but keeps doing it.
Only thing I respond is “uh huh”. No matter what criticism or complaint she lobs my answer is “uh huh”. It’s all I can manage after 50+ years of constant criticism.

[Anonymous]

My father is turning 80. He's been relatively cheerful and relaxed, but even he will occasionally start ranting. When he does, I do my best to listen calmly, and if possible change the subject. Basically, you have to change your mind-set and treat them like small children who aren't capable of self-regulation and need to be redirected.

It seems to me that some people are very negative/prone to anger, and when they are adults, they filter, but when they age, they stop caring about the impression they are making, and really let loose. Plus some have anxiety about their declining health, regrets about choices they made in life (which makes them judgmental about their children's choices), and may suffer from depression because in our society old age is often lonely (so it's ironic that they push away the people that they have access to).

[Anonymous]

OP don't fight with them. It takes energy and is bad for you, plus it also sets a very bad example for your children. It doesn't show them how to stand up to bullies, it shows them how to fight with their aging parents.

My mother tries to fight with me, but I don't fight back because I am simply not interested in pretty much anything she says or does. Also she is using the same tactics on me that worked when I was say 7 and would cry or 14 and would act out. But now I'm nearly 50 (she is 73) I just do.not.care. I am far more interested in dignity and being unaffected by her crap and not letting my kids get wrapped up in it.

Take a deep breath next time and just change the subject. or shrug and smile and say "you're probably right". See how quickly that diffuses the situation.

[Anonymous]

I was just talking to my therapist about this! My mother is 70 and can be so mean and nasty to me but loves the grandkids and is a great grandma. How much should I tolerate?!? How much can be changed? I’m so tired of it.

[Anonymous]

if they're nasty to you they're probably secretly nasty to your kids too. It's how these people roll. I'd limit contact all around.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the best at handling these talks and situations. His dad is like that and getting worse and worse. FIL even openly says that he doesn't care what he says to anybody. He was always more or less like this, fishing for info, and then attacking with received information. So everything was a weapon to him, even the conversation that you would think completely harmless. He just nods, and says, "that is interesting, how funny, or, I can see how that might bother you." He never actually engaged in any discussion or a verbal fight. When you think about it, it is very useful skill when dealing with elderly who are losing all filters, but for my DH it is sad that he developed this skill even as a child.