Missing DC (well, MoCo) ... move back?

[Anonymous]

I'm the primary breadwinner in my family, married to a SAHD. We are both MoCo public alums and moved back to the area with our first DC. Fast forward 8 years, we have two kids, comfortable house in Silver Spring, love our local public, but I got a promotion that moves us out of state. I figure we'd recreate things here, find a new community, save some money, maybe even stick it out until both kids go to college, but there never was a long term plan to retire here.


I have to share specifics to explain why the current situation is difficult and I feel really isolated and alone. Sorry this is long - I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to about it who aren't deeply invested in the outcome. All of the grandparents either live in the DC area of have deep ties to the DC area and so would prefer us to be there.


1) I'm a school administrator and my kids go to my school. Seeing them each day is awesome, however this also means whenever I'm at a social function I am still, essentially, working. It also means that I have to deal with disciplinary issues that involve my kids friends. All of these issues were known changes (kids didn't use to go to my school) going in to the new location, but they are challenges.
2) I assumed we would find a new church community up here where I could compensate for the work related challenges and make some connections with other adults. This hasn't panned out - we're on church #3 and still haven't found a place that fits (not enough kids my kids' age, congregants all much older, too long a drive, stuff like that). I realize this one I could potentially work harder at, but I haven't found a place that has really welcomed us, which has been hard - church was big in our lives in MD.
3) DH and the kids like the slower pace where we are now in a more rural-suburban area. I have discovered I miss the hustle and bustle of the broader DC area - an urban suburbia.
4) My job transition has been hard - I made some assumptions about similarities between my old employer and my current one that proved to be inaccurate. I also had information withheld from me until I started the new job that would have tipped me off to some ways in which my current employer mismanages things. There are some bright spots, but overall I am not in love with the school where I work.
5) My work challenges are made doubly hard by the fact my family is supporting us by helping pay the tuition for both my kids to attend a school that is not as fantastic as I thought it was. We would never have moved here for the local publics. They are not bad but also nothing to write home about. We can only get enough family help to pay for private if it's a place I work and therefore get tuition remission. Also, my school has a more diverse student population than our local publics, which is really important to me.


So ... if we were back in DC potentially #1, 2 and 5 would still be in play, but there are many more privates so changing jobs would be an option, MoCo publics are exceptional and would be a strong option, and I'd have friends that we already know and a strong church community to reintegrate in to. I could likely get a similar job and even if I liked it as little as I like my current one, at least I know I'd have outside community to life me up.

But ... we only moved in the summer of 2015, the kids have new friends, they've integrated into new sports leagues (some of which I don't think exist in MoCo), and moving and selling a home is a huge pain in the butt. DH and I both wish I liked my job more and had been able to find connections. I'm still trying - have just joined a sports league, but my work has long hours and I want to see the kids.


Has anyone been in a similar situation? Should I give it more time? DC #1 is in 6th grade this year and #2 is in 3rd grade, so I feel like it's move within the next 2-4 years or stick it out for a lot longer. I miss having friends and having a church community that welcomes me - makes me sad on pretty much a daily basis, but I also don't want to make a mistake that will negatively impact my kids.

[Anonymous]

In my mind, it doesn't hurt to send out a few resumes, see what options actually present themselves, and then make a decision.

It could a grass is greener thing, or perhaps you find a new job that is a fantastic fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my mind, it doesn't hurt to send out a few resumes, see what options actually present themselves, and then make a decision.

It could a grass is greener thing, or perhaps you find a new job that is a fantastic fit.

Thank you - the whole mess involved in moving cities is hard to fathom so soon but it’s probably worth it.

[Anonymous]

I also think you should send out resumes in DC and your current location. Changing jobs may solve your other issues and make staying where you are sustainable long term.

DC has also changed a lot very quickly so you may not find it to be as lovely as you remembered.

[Anonymous]

I would not underestimate the financial hit of selling a house you just bought and buying in the MoCo market again, which continues to be nutty.

I really understand where you are coming from. We moved back down here to MoCo from a smaller town up north that we loved -- the job opportunities were too good to pass up, but we sacrificed a lot in terms of neighborhood and community that we have yet to recover here and likely never will, because even our very small neighborly neighborhood is just not like the small town we were in. Nor are the schools here nearly as good as they are there.

Yet still...it's hard if not impossible to step in the same river twice. I would love to move back, but my kids are settled now, and moving would be devastating for them. They are happy and have great friends and great activities. Life is more stressful and more expensive here than it was there for me and my spouse, but the transition costs of selling the house we just bought and renovated 3 years ago plus the transition costs to my kids are just not worth it.

I would make more of an effort (although it sounds like you've really tried) to find a good fit for church/community and even a better fit for a working environment. Give it another year or two, and really try to improve what you can where you are, then see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

I have no answers, just empathy. We moved out of DC for my job. Better quality of life, kids like it here, we sold and bought. But I hate my job and things are going to get worse with the org, now that I've seen the dysfunction and the coming financial issues. But my field is very niche/specialized so can't count on anything else opening up in the area for me anytime soon (by soon I mean within the next 2-3 years) that would be right for me. DH telecommutes so can move back but I no longer have my DC job. Other opportunities that come up are all over the country, maybe only a few a year that are worth looking at and they're competitive...and then there's the uprooting. I'm applying for everything that looks halfway decent, and we'll see but I'd move back to DC if I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no answers, just empathy. We moved out of DC for my job. Better quality of life, kids like it here, we sold and bought. But I hate my job and things are going to get worse with the org, now that I've seen the dysfunction and the coming financial issues. But my field is very niche/specialized so can't count on anything else opening up in the area for me anytime soon (by soon I mean within the next 2-3 years) that would be right for me. DH telecommutes so can move back but I no longer have my DC job. Other opportunities that come up are all over the country, maybe only a few a year that are worth looking at and they're competitive...and then there's the uprooting. I'm applying for everything that looks halfway decent, and we'll see but I'd move back to DC if I could.

This is OP - I’m so sorry you are in a similar situation. I hope something comes up for you that makes it better.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t mind my asking, how old are the kids and would that hold you back from moving? Older generations I think would decide based on what’s best for the adults but I feel like younger generations tend to cater more towards keeping kids stable and happy, often at the expense of the adults.

[Anonymous]

We moved away "for the quality of life" and moved back after 2 years. We just...never found our people there. No one seemed to care about the things that I care about (politics, travel), and folks were passionate about stuff that I find boring at best (sports, college football).

I tried so hard to find folks who shared my interests and values, but kept running into the same "types." Overinvested hockey moms, Pilates moms who think "mommy juice" in the sippy cup was the height of edgy, and uber-crunchy homeschoolers who didn't vaccinate and spent their time mocking the "sheeple."

Yes, DC is stressful and expensive and we gave up a big house in a leafy suburb (full of racist jackasses) to live in the city, use a lower ranked school than we had in Whitesville, probably work harder, but we're much much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved away "for the quality of life" and moved back after 2 years. We just...never found our people there. No one seemed to care about the things that I care about (politics, travel), and folks were passionate about stuff that I find boring at best (sports, college football).

I tried so hard to find folks who shared my interests and values, but kept running into the same "types." Overinvested hockey moms, Pilates moms who think "mommy juice" in the sippy cup was the height of edgy, and uber-crunchy homeschoolers who didn't vaccinate and spent their time mocking the "sheeple."

Yes, DC is stressful and expensive and we gave up a big house in a leafy suburb (full of racist jackasses) to live in the city, use a lower ranked school than we had in Whitesville, probably work harder, but we're much much happier.

OP again - I could have typed this. I really appreciate the replies.

[Anonymous]

We moved away "for the quality of life" and moved back after 2 years. We just...never found our people there. No one seemed to care about the things that I care about (politics, travel), and folks were passionate about stuff that I find boring at best (sports, college football).

I tried so hard to find folks who shared my interests and values, but kept running into the same "types." Overinvested hockey moms, Pilates moms who think "mommy juice" in the sippy cup was the height of edgy, and uber-crunchy homeschoolers who didn't vaccinate and spent their time mocking the "sheeple."

Yes, DC is stressful and expensive and we gave up a big house in a leafy suburb (full of racist jackasses) to live in the city, use a lower ranked school than we had in Whitesville, probably work harder, but we're much much happier.


OP again - I could have typed this. I really appreciate the replies.

as someone considering jobs all over and worried about what it really means to move somewhere totally unfamiliar (DH and I have lived only in urban coastal cities), would love a general idea of where you guys are....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We moved away "for the quality of life" and moved back after 2 years. We just...never found our people there. No one seemed to care about the things that I care about (politics, travel), and folks were passionate about stuff that I find boring at best (sports, college football).

I tried so hard to find folks who shared my interests and values, but kept running into the same "types." Overinvested hockey moms, Pilates moms who think "mommy juice" in the sippy cup was the height of edgy, and uber-crunchy homeschoolers who didn't vaccinate and spent their time mocking the "sheeple."

Yes, DC is stressful and expensive and we gave up a big house in a leafy suburb (full of racist jackasses) to live in the city, use a lower ranked school than we had in Whitesville, probably work harder, but we're much much happier.


OP again - I could have typed this. I really appreciate the replies.

as someone considering jobs all over and worried about what it really means to move somewhere totally unfamiliar (DH and I have lived only in urban coastal cities), would love a general idea of where you guys are....

I'm the PP above who references overinvested hockey moms. I was in the suburbs of a major Midwestern city that is not Chicago, in a neighborhood that is constantly being written up as one of the loveliest suburbs in America, but I found it stifling and impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We moved away "for the quality of life" and moved back after 2 years. We just...never found our people there. No one seemed to care about the things that I care about (politics, travel), and folks were passionate about stuff that I find boring at best (sports, college football).

I tried so hard to find folks who shared my interests and values, but kept running into the same "types." Overinvested hockey moms, Pilates moms who think "mommy juice" in the sippy cup was the height of edgy, and uber-crunchy homeschoolers who didn't vaccinate and spent their time mocking the "sheeple."

Yes, DC is stressful and expensive and we gave up a big house in a leafy suburb (full of racist jackasses) to live in the city, use a lower ranked school than we had in Whitesville, probably work harder, but we're much much happier.


OP again - I could have typed this. I really appreciate the replies.

as someone considering jobs all over and worried about what it really means to move somewhere totally unfamiliar (DH and I have lived only in urban coastal cities), would love a general idea of where you guys are....

Why so coy?

I'm the PP above who references overinvested hockey moms. I was in the suburbs of a major Midwestern city that is not Chicago, in a neighborhood that is constantly being written up as one of the loveliest suburbs in America, but I found it stifling and impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We moved away "for the quality of life" and moved back after 2 years. We just...never found our people there. No one seemed to care about the things that I care about (politics, travel), and folks were passionate about stuff that I find boring at best (sports, college football).

I tried so hard to find folks who shared my interests and values, but kept running into the same "types." Overinvested hockey moms, Pilates moms who think "mommy juice" in the sippy cup was the height of edgy, and uber-crunchy homeschoolers who didn't vaccinate and spent their time mocking the "sheeple."

Yes, DC is stressful and expensive and we gave up a big house in a leafy suburb (full of racist jackasses) to live in the city, use a lower ranked school than we had in Whitesville, probably work harder, but we're much much happier.


OP again - I could have typed this. I really appreciate the replies.

as someone considering jobs all over and worried about what it really means to move somewhere totally unfamiliar (DH and I have lived only in urban coastal cities), would love a general idea of where you guys are....

I'm the PP above who references overinvested hockey moms. I was in the suburbs of a major Midwestern city that is not Chicago, in a neighborhood that is constantly being written up as one of the loveliest suburbs in America, but I found it stifling and impossible.

Unless you were there in the witness protection program, why not just name the city? Frankly, you don't exactly come off sounding all that great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We moved away "for the quality of life" and moved back after 2 years. We just...never found our people there. No one seemed to care about the things that I care about (politics, travel), and folks were passionate about stuff that I find boring at best (sports, college football).

I tried so hard to find folks who shared my interests and values, but kept running into the same "types." Overinvested hockey moms, Pilates moms who think "mommy juice" in the sippy cup was the height of edgy, and uber-crunchy homeschoolers who didn't vaccinate and spent their time mocking the "sheeple."

Yes, DC is stressful and expensive and we gave up a big house in a leafy suburb (full of racist jackasses) to live in the city, use a lower ranked school than we had in Whitesville, probably work harder, but we're much much happier.


OP again - I could have typed this. I really appreciate the replies.

as someone considering jobs all over and worried about what it really means to move somewhere totally unfamiliar (DH and I have lived only in urban coastal cities), would love a general idea of where you guys are....

I'm the PP above who references overinvested hockey moms. I was in the suburbs of a major Midwestern city that is not Chicago, in a neighborhood that is constantly being written up as one of the loveliest suburbs in America, but I found it stifling and impossible.

Oh man, YOU guys are my people. I'm in an extremely similar situation except I truly am stuck, since my husband is a tenure track professor at his dream university in a major US city. I am finding it really hard to find my people and the sippy wine cup/hockey mom stuff is SO SO TRUE.