How to get over anger at DH

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of pent-up resentment and anger towards my DH. I feel ignored and taken for granted by him. It doesn't have to do with stress work or other relationships as everything else is generally okay.

Instead of communicating my feelings in a healthy way, I blew up at him and we've been fighting for days. I know I screwed up and have apologized numerous times, but the fact is I still feel resentment and anger towards him. Of course he's angry at me now which I completely understand, which has made it harder for us to reconnect.

I have a counseling session tomorrow for myself, but nothing planned for a joint session as of yet. How do I get past my anger to help repair this relationship?

[Anonymous]

Stop apologizing. TALK about the resentment and anger. Talk about your feelings, don't apologize for them.

(it might help to write all down to organize your thoughts)

Don't get defensive!

[Anonymous]

In all of the fighting and apologizing, did you guys actually discuss the source of your anger and resentment in a substantive way, or did the focus shift entirely to how you blew up at him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all of the fighting and apologizing, did you guys actually discuss the source of your anger and resentment in a substantive way, or did the focus shift entirely to how you blew up at him?

No, he gets defensive for the things I point out that I am angry and resentful about. Then it shifts to me screwing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of the fighting and apologizing, did you guys actually discuss the source of your anger and resentment in a substantive way, or did the focus shift entirely to how you blew up at him?

No, he gets defensive for the things I point out that I am angry and resentful about. Then it shifts to me screwing up.

Ah, so he's using how you communicate your anger as a weapon against you to deflect any criticism of himself. Which is turn probably makes you anxious about raising things you're angry about, so instead of addressing them in the moment, you bottle it up until you can't tolerate it anymore and you blow up.

Yes, you have to own your part that bottling and exploding isn't a healthy way to communicate, but you shouldn't shoulder all of the blame for the dynamic. He has to see his part and be willing to work on that as well before you can make any meaningful progress on your marriage. Individual counseling is a good place to start working on this for yourself, and once you have your feet under you there, marriage counseling would be a good idea as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of the fighting and apologizing, did you guys actually discuss the source of your anger and resentment in a substantive way, or did the focus shift entirely to how you blew up at him?

No, he gets defensive for the things I point out that I am angry and resentful about. Then it shifts to me screwing up.

Ah, so he's using how you communicate your anger as a weapon against you to deflect any criticism of himself. Which is turn probably makes you anxious about raising things you're angry about, so instead of addressing them in the moment, you bottle it up until you can't tolerate it anymore and you blow up.

Yes, you have to own your part that bottling and exploding isn't a healthy way to communicate, but you shouldn't shoulder all of the blame for the dynamic. He has to see his part and be willing to work on that as well before you can make any meaningful progress on your marriage. Individual counseling is a good place to start working on this for yourself, and once you have your feet under you there, marriage counseling would be a good idea as well.

Also, the reason you're continuing to feel angry and resentful is that none of the stuff that you feel angry/resentful about is even being acknowledged, let alone validated or addressed, so you're not getting any resolution to those issues. That's not something you should beat yourself up about, it doesn't mean the problem is with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of the fighting and apologizing, did you guys actually discuss the source of your anger and resentment in a substantive way, or did the focus shift entirely to how you blew up at him?

No, he gets defensive for the things I point out that I am angry and resentful about. Then it shifts to me screwing up.

Ah, so he's using how you communicate your anger as a weapon against you to deflect any criticism of himself. Which is turn probably makes you anxious about raising things you're angry about, so instead of addressing them in the moment, you bottle it up until you can't tolerate it anymore and you blow up.

Yes, you have to own your part that bottling and exploding isn't a healthy way to communicate, but you shouldn't shoulder all of the blame for the dynamic. He has to see his part and be willing to work on that as well before you can make any meaningful progress on your marriage. Individual counseling is a good place to start working on this for yourself, and once you have your feet under you there, marriage counseling would be a good idea as well.

Also, the reason you're continuing to feel angry and resentful is that none of the stuff that you feel angry/resentful about is even being acknowledged, let alone validated or addressed, so you're not getting any resolution to those issues. That's not something you should beat yourself up about, it doesn't mean the problem is with you.

+1
that's not really fair, is it?
all of this is so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of the fighting and apologizing, did you guys actually discuss the source of your anger and resentment in a substantive way, or did the focus shift entirely to how you blew up at him?

No, he gets defensive for the things I point out that I am angry and resentful about. Then it shifts to me screwing up.

The first thing you need to realize is that while you might have anger and resentment towards him for a laundry list of reasons, he very likely feels anger and resentment towards you for a laundry list of reasons. It takes two to sustain a healthy marriage. Communication is key since nobody is a mind reader. But when you dish it out, you need to be prepared to take his criticism as well. That's why it's important to speak nicely and with love, right?

It really is as simple as treating others the way you want to be treated.

Hopefully your therapist will explain this to you rather than blame everything on your spouse. It's never that simple. I'm sure you annoy your spouse, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of the fighting and apologizing, did you guys actually discuss the source of your anger and resentment in a substantive way, or did the focus shift entirely to how you blew up at him?

No, he gets defensive for the things I point out that I am angry and resentful about. Then it shifts to me screwing up.

The first thing you need to realize is that while you might have anger and resentment towards him for a laundry list of reasons, he very likely feels anger and resentment towards you for a laundry list of reasons. It takes two to sustain a healthy marriage. Communication is key since nobody is a mind reader. But when you dish it out, you need to be prepared to take his criticism as well. That's why it's important to speak nicely and with love, right?

It really is as simple as treating others the way you want to be treated.

Hopefully your therapist will explain this to you rather than blame everything on your spouse. It's never that simple. I'm sure you annoy your spouse, too.

If he has things he's upset with her about, he should own that and address those things with her rather than gaslighting OP when she tries to address her own anger.

[Anonymous]

Is this about how he is not doing his part in the house/cleaning/maintenance?

[Anonymous]

How is sex between you two?

[Anonymous]

OP, anger and resentment have more to do with you and what do with your feelings and words before blowing up,than it does your husband.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to him acknowledge and understand how he is making you feel.

The best way to do this is to wait until things are calm and then have a talk, but in a non-threatening way, where you objectively describe what you have observed and how it makes you feel and basically leave an opening for him to give his point of view.

He will probably get a better appreciation for how you feel, and you may find that he has his own feelings that you may not have been aware of.