Choosing which side of family to live near... What do kids need most?

[Anonymous]

We are undergoing a career transition in order to live closer to family. Our goal is to have a family support system that we can rely on and provide an extended family network to LO. Our options are:

1. Grandparent set 1: highly gregarious, creative, very interactive and highly affectionate. Accepting of who we are as people (ie knows we are not religious and won't try to interfere). BUT ignores who we are as parents (as in, they don't believe in naps or bedtimes so plan outings for LO when he should be sleeping, gave my 2 year old a motorized ride on tractor for Xmas despite the fact that we already told them no, ignores our preferences types of toys b/c our parenting philosophies are not a big deal to them and LO liking something is reason enough to gift it). They are also short tempered with each other, constant bickering and belittling of each other around LO (not of LO though). And, they are primary caretakers for an adult with mental health and substance abuse problems (i.e. if we lived near them, LO would constantly be exposed to normalization of drugs and alcohol abuse).

2. Grandparent set 2: loving and stable, but reserved and not so highly affectionate. We will never be able to have open conversations about our own belief sets (1 grandparent is a religious leader and they would be devastated to learn that we are not believers). They "obey" are parenting preferences but being that our LO is their 5th grandchild, our parenting choices are subtly criticized regularly. LO would have stability around this set but who we are as a nuclear family may be undermined. That said, LO would be around 4 cousins that would gladly take him under their wings (I would love him to be around more children he is related to) but their family is also very busy (homeschool and active church involvement) so we would either not likely be able to see them often or have to compromise our values and ignore our beliefs to do so.

3. Cousins: My cousin has 2 kids, 1 being LO's age. They have no other family living around them and really want us to live nearby. I know cousin and I would get on great and have mostly the same viewpoints but DH has spent very little time around them and doesn't know that he would get on well (with an emotionally charged difference in vax vs anti-vax viewpoints). Plus, LO has really never spent time with his 2nd cousins so I don't know what that dynamic would look like, though they would be available to him. I "think" they are stable, caring, creative, combine many of the bests of both sides of the family, but at this point in time our relationship with them is just remote. (Cousin & I text regularly but seldom actually have any other interaction). Also, cost of living is significantly higher where they are and they literally live on the opposite side of the country as grandparent set 2 (NC vs WA state).

[Anonymous]

OP here... I should also add that part of our original goal was to move to lower cost of living area since we have a very significant amount of student loan debt. But I don't know how much this should factor in to our relocation decision in terms of what's best for LO.

[Anonymous]

Ugh use your extra money in a lower COL to buy backup care, and then build a friend network.

[Anonymous]

2. Loving and stable is very important for kids. Probably the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

I think the drug abuser is the deciding factor here. Option 2 is the winner, and use some of your savings to visit Washington and see your cousin more often.

[Anonymous]

Option 4: none of the above. You want a family network and still aren't ready to deal with the downsides. You still feel the need to control every aspect and want to call all the shots and are belittling of their experience and are looking for offense in their reactions. You want it to be you, you, you, so build your own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: none of the above. You want a family network and still aren't ready to deal with the downsides. You still feel the need to control every aspect and want to call all the shots and are belittling of their experience and are looking for offense in their reactions. You want it to be you, you, you, so build your own lives.

Yeah it doesn’t sound like any option is good. You sound like you will be miserable with either option.

[Anonymous]

#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: none of the above. You want a family network and still aren't ready to deal with the downsides. You still feel the need to control every aspect and want to call all the shots and are belittling of their experience and are looking for offense in their reactions. You want it to be you, you, you, so build your own lives.

+1 Well said. All of it but especially this. I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one with this interpretation after reading the initial post. It certainly left a bad taste in my mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: none of the above. You want a family network and still aren't ready to deal with the downsides. You still feel the need to control every aspect and want to call all the shots and are belittling of their experience and are looking for offense in their reactions. You want it to be you, you, you, so build your own lives.

+1 Well said. All of it but especially this. I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one with this interpretation after reading the initial post. It certainly left a bad taste in my mouth.

+ 2 and agree with PP about learning about tolerance

[Anonymous]

Option 1 or cousin. Loving and creative. I say this now that kids are teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

+1

Exposure to family member with drug abuse would be a deal breaker for me with #1

[Anonymous]

lots of families have children with drug abuse or family members, I find that to be a good deterrent and a teacher of EMPATHY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: none of the above. You want a family network and still aren't ready to deal with the downsides. You still feel the need to control every aspect and want to call all the shots and are belittling of their experience and are looking for offense in their reactions. You want it to be you, you, you, so build your own lives.

OP here. Not at all. I respect our families and am not trying to control what is not mine to control. We highly value tolerance and compromise. But also expect it in return. I’m not sure what would go be you the impression that we are belittling of their experience. We m just honest that none of us are perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lots of families have children with drug abuse or family members, I find that to be a good deterrent and a teacher of EMPATHY

Wrong.