Choosing which side of family to live near... What do kids need most?

[Anonymous]

None, we live close to my parents. They promised to babysit and help some (not every day but on occasion). They never help and rarely see our child - maybe a few times a month for a few hours. I really thought they'd be great grandparents but they act like they are generous by buying a tee shirt while they go on vacation and saying that they buy all the wardrobe off that one shirt (hmm.. no, that just replaces the one you lost when he visited and how you lose a shirt is beyond me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

OP here. I actually really respect that they homeschool. And I have no issue with their religious beliefs. I was just not putting in what I thought might be extraneous details. That is, other side of the family is fully supportive and embracing of people of all religious belief sets. This side is not. We would have to compromise our values in that we would have to closeted about our beliefs and would have to attend their church in order to see them. SO fears disownment if we were to indicate that we do not believe the same. Personally, I believe that what any one person believes religiously is completely their own choice and they should be respected for it. Difference is beautiful. Forced compliance is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

OP here. I find their homeschooling inspiring and think it’s great that as a family their are united on what they believe. My point was not to ridicule either of those. It’s that they are very busy with both of those. As in, the only way we would likely be able to see them even living within a short drive would be if we were to be completely silent about our own beliefs and attend their congregation. I like that people have different life views - it’s a value that I was raised to appreciate in a family with 5 different religions (not denominations) being practiced by various family members. I appreciate diversity much more so than imposed conformity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

Wrong. Tolerance means accepting that others are free to live their religious convictions. It doesn't mean exposing yourself to their worldview or hiding who you are. If those relatives would be "devastated" to learn that OP's family are not religious, then they are the ones who need to learn tolerance, not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None, we live close to my parents. They promised to babysit and help some (not every day but on occasion). They never help and rarely see our child - maybe a few times a month for a few hours. I really thought they'd be great grandparents but they act like they are generous by buying a tee shirt while they go on vacation and saying that they buy all the wardrobe off that one shirt (hmm.. no, that just replaces the one you lost when he visited and how you lose a shirt is beyond me).

. I think this is part of what I fear with option 2. I have no doubt that option 1 would be very involved but worry about the uninhibited berating that goes on btw the grandparents and the drug exposure. I want to give LO stability but I think opt 2 would only see him AT MOST 1x per month for a couple hours at a time. And, I’m afraid his Aunt / Uncle would still only make time for him 3-4x a year (we’re staying about an hour from them now for the last 10 weeks and have been able to see them 2x bc of their schedules).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

Wrong. Tolerance means accepting that others are free to live their religious convictions. It doesn't mean exposing yourself to their worldview or hiding who you are. If those relatives would be "devastated" to learn that OP's family are not religious, then they are the ones who need to learn tolerance, not OP.

Agree!!

[Anonymous]

Look, all family has their flaws. It kind of sounds like you want family to be involved or accessible but you are wary of shaping your life around any of these families -- in part because you fear judgment, conflict, issues, poor role modeling. Well unfortunately I think that's going to be the package here, so like others said...radical acceptance is your friend. Any situation is going to push your buttons and even more so with the special kind of friction that builds up from repeated family interactions.

It sounds as if you are leaning towards #1. In your shoes, given all your reservations, I'd just as soon move somewhere that's not super close -- close enough that it makes it easy to go and visit or be visited, but not close enough that they'll be at your house every weekend and vice versa. You can always try it out and move closer if it's better than expected.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound crazy. Who cares if the grandparents bicker? You sound really really controlling.

[Anonymous]

Either none of the above or option 2.

[Anonymous]

Live where it works for you and plan to visit family. While none sounds like ones you want to get away from forever, none honestly sound like the type I would rush to be near or compromise savings/convenience/etc to go to either.

We live near one set of loving but rather uninvolved grandparents. It has been hard to see them so close yet not taking advantage of it by being involved with us. Other set of grandparents live 500 miles away but are actively involved emotionally through phone calls, etc (now the kids are older and everyone texts and FaceTimes independently too. We visit often and kids are much closer to them despite the distance.

Follow your gut and build relationships however you can.

[Anonymous]

None of the above. Extended families are people you see at weddings and funerals. Too much drama in my family to want to be involved on a regular basis. My siblings that do live near each other are all up in each others' business over the very issues you describe - how they raise their kids, religion, money, etc. No way.

[Anonymous]

None of these people or options are going to meet your expectations. All I see is constant clashes, conflicts, disagreements and hurts. You already have major issues with both sides of the family and that is while living far away from them. Living close will only magnify all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

Wrong. Tolerance means accepting that others are free to live their religious convictions. It doesn't mean exposing yourself to their worldview or hiding who you are. If those relatives would be "devastated" to learn that OP's family are not religious, then they are the ones who need to learn tolerance, not OP.

I agree that one shouldn't hide who they are. I disagree that exposing yourself to other worldview's is a bad thing. If you don't expose yourself to the views of others, your views are very narrow and tend to make people far more judgmental. I think it is actually a good thing to expose yourself to many worldviews. And part of tolerance and acceptance means being respectful in what you say and do around others who don't share your beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of these people or options are going to meet your expectations. All I see is constant clashes, conflicts, disagreements and hurts. You already have major issues with both sides of the family and that is while living far away from them. Living close will only magnify all of this.

+1 As much as OP says that she/husband are the open, tolerant ones, her posts are extremely critical and judgmental of the relatives. It is hard to see this going well for any of the options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: none of the above. You want a family network and still aren't ready to deal with the downsides. You still feel the need to control every aspect and want to call all the shots and are belittling of their experience and are looking for offense in their reactions. You want it to be you, you, you, so build your own lives.

Yeah it doesn’t sound like any option is good. You sound like you will be miserable with either option.

You all put that better than I would have. I was going with "gimme gimme gimme" --all of them will fall short of perfection, OP. For the sake of family peace, please stay where you are.