What does a heathy in law relationship look like?

[Anonymous]

I am having a difficult time dealing with my in laws. They are...let’s just say, a little nutty.

MIL and FIL are not college educated. They are...Trumpsters,think climate change is fake news, think Melanie and Trump are the epitome of class, think people who are well edicated are snobby elites. They’re also racist and have made awkward and hurtful assumptions about me (I’m black.)

Dating and marrying my DH has not been easy. My in laws are clingy with their children. They resented the fact that he was marrying period never mind the fact that I am not a white girl. They finally came around and we got married.

Now things are...civil. They’re coming around and working to include me in their family. I was touched this Christmas to see MIL finally got me a stocking. I notice MIL buys expensive presents for her children but cheap ones for me but that’s ok I guess.

SIL doesn’t put any pictures of me on her social media even though I am present in events, etc.

By contrast, my sister is dating a great white guy with an amazing liberal well educated white family. They’ve accepted her arms wide open and she’s treated as another one of their children. She’s always texting and joking around with her boyfriends mother and his sister always puts up pictures of the two of them calling her family.

I’m heartbroken. My dream my whole life was to grow my family. I imagined I’d have a lovely MIL who’d be a second mother to me etc.

Is my sisters situation an anamoly? Or are mos ILs as lovely, kind and accepting as hers?

[Anonymous]

My MIL refers to me as a daughter. When she introduces me to her friends she'll say "This is my daughter-in-law Cass, but I love her like a daughter."

She and FIL have always given me gifts similar to what they've given their own children. FIL will text me and say "I took my car in to get the tires rotated and was looking at pics DS (my husband) sent which made me wonder - have you gotten your tires done? Oil changed? Call me with any questions."

When we had our first baby they were very excited. At one point I asked, "What do you want in terms of involvement?" regarding labor and delivery and MIL said, "We want to do whatever will be most helpful for you."

When DH broke his leg and I had a big project at work, they insisted we tell them our favorite restaurants to get delivery from, and each night we had dinner delivered.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, condolences. I'm white, married into a black family and have the relationship you describe with your sister/her MIL.

Any way they can 'adopt' you as well? Your sister can tell then about your nutty inlaws and you can gave that big family through them.

And you can always have hope they will come around...

[Anonymous]

It won't get better. The sooner you accept it the better for you. Took me 15 years and two kids to learn and have 0 expectations. They still manage to hurt me on rare occasions. I do it for my husband and kids. Sorry

[Anonymous]

You lost me with “Trumpsters” - where’s your tolerance for those who don’t share your viewpoint? I feel for your ILs, habing such a prejudiced DIL. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me with “Trumpsters” - where’s your tolerance for those who don’t share your viewpoint? I feel for your ILs, habing such a prejudiced DIL. Grow up.

This cannot be a real post. Tolerance for the intolerant? We’ll all get right on that for ya!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me with “Trumpsters” - where’s your tolerance for those who don’t share your viewpoint? I feel for your ILs, habing such a prejudiced DIL. Grow up.

This cannot be a real post. Tolerance for the intolerant? We’ll all get right on that for ya!

+1

OP, the haters are never going to be anything but.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be civil and warm if you can but give up any expectations of having a more extensive relationship.

[Anonymous]

While I envy those with a close IL bond like the pp above, I think it is probably a bell curve, with the peak/most people falling in the "I'm ambivalent about you but will put on a cheery face for holidays" category. I think both the people who are outwardly hostile to ILs or those like your sis are minorities at either end of the spectrum. Sounds like your relationship might skew more toward the hostile side, but likely still within a normal range. ILs are hard, because while you're used to your own family's crazy, getting used to someone else's family's crazy is hard. In my case, my dad is a challenge, and so is my MIL-- but DH finds my dad more annoying and I feel the same about his mom.

All this to say-- while your ILs sound like a piece of work, I don't think you should expect what your sister has. I think that's an outlier, and if you compare your relationship to that, you'll always be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

First, stop comparing your life to others.
Second, you don't need to see people that make you uncomfortable. Really.
Third, it could be worse, OP. Much worse. You could have cancer and be alone in the world. So focus on what makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

There must be great things about your DH for you to have fallen in love and wanted to marry him. So your in-laws can't be entirely bad because they clearly raised a good person. Talk with him about how you feel, and maybe he can be a go-between or at least help protect you from them a bit.

I don't think most people (especially women) have a great relationship with their in-laws, but your situation certainly sounds worse than most. What your sister has is truly remarkable -- regardless of interracial relationship. Most women I know dislike their MILs and tolerate them. A few think they are okay but don't really love being around them.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is a sweetheart but my MIL is very authoritative and everything has to be her way and that's according to her children. But, she loves my children. My DH loves my parents, they are incredibly helpful with our three little ones, non judgmental, fun to be around and they are incredibly generous. They really do treat him as a second son. He calls my parents Mom and Dad. There is no way that I could call his mother Mom.

[Anonymous]

Things I loved about my MIL (now deceased)

She had no agenda. If she made a little small talk with me (How was the trip, how is your job) it was simply small talk. I was not being pimped out or somehow convinced in some way to change my life.

I could relax in her home and read a book, look at photos of my DH as a child, etc. She wanted me to be comfortable.

She was simply a happy and nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a difficult time dealing with my in laws. They are...let’s just say, a little nutty.

MIL and FIL are not college educated. They are...Trumpsters,think climate change is fake news, think Melanie and Trump are the epitome of class, think people who are well edicated are snobby elites. They’re also racist and have made awkward and hurtful assumptions about me (I’m black.)

Dating and marrying my DH has not been easy. My in laws are clingy with their children. They resented the fact that he was marrying period never mind the fact that I am not a white girl. They finally came around and we got married.

Now things are...civil. They’re coming around and working to include me in their family. I was touched this Christmas to see MIL finally got me a stocking. I notice MIL buys expensive presents for her children but cheap ones for me but that’s ok I guess.

SIL doesn’t put any pictures of me on her social media even though I am present in events, etc.

By contrast, my sister is dating a great white guy with an amazing liberal well educated white family. They’ve accepted her arms wide open and she’s treated as another one of their children. She’s always texting and joking around with her boyfriends mother and his sister always puts up pictures of the two of them calling her family.

I’m heartbroken. My dream my whole life was to grow my family. I imagined I’d have a lovely MIL who’d be a second mother to me etc.

Is my sisters situation an anamoly? Or are mos ILs as lovely, kind and accepting as hers?

FYI, the accepting loving family could have easily happened in the poorer non-college educated family and the rich white family could have easily been the racist exclusive one. Seen in both ways. You are buying into a stereotype in your post by including those details.

Do you and your DH have children yet? Sometimes things improve once children enter the picture. Then, you will have something in common. How does your DH react to his family’s treatment of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a difficult time dealing with my in laws. They are...let’s just say, a little nutty.

MIL and FIL are not college educated. They are...Trumpsters,think climate change is fake news, think Melanie and Trump are the epitome of class, think people who are well edicated are snobby elites. They’re also racist and have made awkward and hurtful assumptions about me (I’m black.)

Dating and marrying my DH has not been easy. My in laws are clingy with their children. They resented the fact that he was marrying period never mind the fact that I am not a white girl. They finally came around and we got married.

Now things are...civil. They’re coming around and working to include me in their family. I was touched this Christmas to see MIL finally got me a stocking. I notice MIL buys expensive presents for her children but cheap ones for me but that’s ok I guess.

SIL doesn’t put any pictures of me on her social media even though I am present in events, etc.

By contrast, my sister is dating a great white guy with an amazing liberal well educated white family. They’ve accepted her arms wide open and she’s treated as another one of their children. She’s always texting and joking around with her boyfriends mother and his sister always puts up pictures of the two of them calling her family.

I’m heartbroken. My dream my whole life was to grow my family. I imagined I’d have a lovely MIL who’d be a second mother to me etc.

Is my sisters situation an anamoly? Or are mos ILs as lovely, kind and accepting as hers?

FYI, the accepting loving family could have easily happened in the poorer non-college educated family and the rich white family could have easily been the racist exclusive one. Seen in both ways. You are buying into a stereotype in your post by including those details.

Do you and your DH have children yet? Sometimes things improve once children enter the picture. Then, you will have something in common. How does your DH react to his family’s treatment of you?

Where's your husband in all this?
If you don't have kids yet and plan to, you guys need to be on the same page. Stakes are much higher with kids; unfairness and discrimination you thought you could tolerate before become intolerable to the POC when they see how that reflects on and affects children. GL