Two sides: One family animated and talkative, another family closed and depressed

[Anonymous]

One side laid back, other side tightly wound.....If you are accustomed to one and not the other, how do you deal with the remaining? Besides drinking and hiding, of course.

[Anonymous]

If you are accustomed to closed and depressed, you get help from a mental help professional. Especially if you prefer that.

[Anonymous]

This is our family exactly - one side (we spend Thanksgiving with them) is open and warm and lovely, with abundant food, some wine, lots of laughter and games. Pure joy. This is my Father-in-Law & Step MIL.

The other side (Christmas) is the exact opposite. Absolutely no joy. Forced laughter. MIL is weird and controlling. Her boyfriend is kosher with lots of food restrictions. We bend over backward to make a compliant Christmas dinner and he only eats 1/2 cup of food. MIL is weird about alcohol, so no drinking allowed at all. Everyone's sitting and playing on their phones (even the adults). Horribly depressing.

We live it up at FIL/SMIL's house for T-Day, and just hang on for the ride for Christmas. Play our parts and just 'get through the weekend.' The best part is a skype call to FIL/SMIL on Christmas morning when we all wear matching PJs!

[Anonymous]

In our family one side is very weird and controlling around food and the other side likes to overeat to the point of obesity. Both sides are a little bit extreme

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is our family exactly - one side (we spend Thanksgiving with them) is open and warm and lovely, with abundant food, some wine, lots of laughter and games. Pure joy. This is my Father-in-Law & Step MIL.

The other side (Christmas) is the exact opposite. Absolutely no joy. Forced laughter. MIL is weird and controlling. Her boyfriend is kosher with lots of food restrictions. We bend over backward to make a compliant Christmas dinner and he only eats 1/2 cup of food. MIL is weird about alcohol, so no drinking allowed at all. Everyone's sitting and playing on their phones (even the adults). Horribly depressing.

We live it up at FIL/SMIL's house for T-Day, and just hang on for the ride for Christmas. Play our parts and just 'get through the weekend.' The best part is a skype call to FIL/SMIL on Christmas morning when we all wear matching PJs!

+1

OP here! Yes this! Everyone had their phone out, and the television was on. I shouldn't be surprised, but it was kind of awful, kind of painful. It was a really really long couple of hours - which I shouldn't even notice, but HELL it is Depressing (capital D for emphasis). One (happy - not without problems, but clearly with better coping mechanisms) relative asked another (depressed) relative to sit next to them, and the second relative actually refused (they have no history or anything, that is just how it is). It was the strangest thing, you could cut the air with a knife (again, no ill will there, just the personalities are polar opposites, as if one or the other side didn't even care to try). So sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our family exactly - one side (we spend Thanksgiving with them) is open and warm and lovely, with abundant food, some wine, lots of laughter and games. Pure joy. This is my Father-in-Law & Step MIL.

The other side (Christmas) is the exact opposite. Absolutely no joy. Forced laughter. MIL is weird and controlling. Her boyfriend is kosher with lots of food restrictions. We bend over backward to make a compliant Christmas dinner and he only eats 1/2 cup of food. MIL is weird about alcohol, so no drinking allowed at all. Everyone's sitting and playing on their phones (even the adults). Horribly depressing.

We live it up at FIL/SMIL's house for T-Day, and just hang on for the ride for Christmas. Play our parts and just 'get through the weekend.' The best part is a skype call to FIL/SMIL on Christmas morning when we all wear matching PJs!

+1

OP here! Yes this! Everyone had their phone out, and the television was on. I shouldn't be surprised, but it was kind of awful, kind of painful. It was a really really long couple of hours - which I shouldn't even notice, but HELL it is Depressing (capital D for emphasis). One (happy - not without problems, but clearly with better coping mechanisms) relative asked another (depressed) relative to sit next to them, and the second relative actually refused (they have no history or anything, that is just how it is). It was the strangest thing, you could cut the air with a knife (again, no ill will there, just the personalities are polar opposites, as if one or the other side didn't even care to try). So sad!

To add, the tipping point was when everyone was practically running out the door. Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

This is our family! After 18 years, you figure it out. Comfortable and easy on my side, and when we are with DHs family, it used to be PAINFUL. Once the kids came along, I focused my energy on them, and paid little attention to my ILs sitting there quietly or blasting Fox news. We'd take walks, go to the playground, the zoo, anything to get out of the house. I'd bring games that I knew would entertain them/keep all of us busy. As the kids became teens, it's harder as they don't want to visit DHs family (I get it, they get ignored and they are bored). We explain the value of different kinds of people and that family is family. And, while it's still not easy, we've figured it out. We now eat breakfast together, spend most of the day out, and regroup for dinner at the ILs. Much more palatable!

[Anonymous]

OP, have you though that how you characterize one family vs another may be a difference of extrovert ("animated and talkitive") vs introverted ("closed and depressed").

I don't mean the introverts are depressed, but that people who are extroverted sometimes think there's something wrong with introverts. Maybe think about how you would ideally celebrate the holidays as an introvert and try to institute changes from there rather than comparing it to an extroverted holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you though that how you characterize one family vs another may be a difference of extrovert ("animated and talkitive") vs introverted ("closed and depressed").

I don't mean the introverts are depressed, but that people who are extroverted sometimes think there's something wrong with introverts. Maybe think about how you would ideally celebrate the holidays as an introvert and try to institute changes from there rather than comparing it to an extroverted holiday.

+1. I'm tired of b the narrative that being loud and overating is somehow normal but being quiet and a little reserved is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you though that how you characterize one family vs another may be a difference of extrovert ("animated and talkitive") vs introverted ("closed and depressed").

I don't mean the introverts are depressed, but that people who are extroverted sometimes think there's something wrong with introverts. Maybe think about how you would ideally celebrate the holidays as an introvert and try to institute changes from there rather than comparing it to an extroverted holiday.

+1. I'm tired of b the narrative that being loud and overating is somehow normal but being quiet and a little reserved is wrong.

A whole Christmas celebration where people, especially the hosts, sit around not saying a word to one another and playing on their phones like a bunch of sullen teenagers is weird and wrong.

If you are that introverted, do not host. Ask one of your more outgoing family members to host.

Christmas at my MILs was excrutiating. She is crabby and controlling, they have little conversation, and sports or sports talk shows were on all day long (without the boisterous fun that usually comes with sports watching households). She had unrealistic memories of how children behaved, which made the kids walk on eggshells and my SIL feel judged. When my oldest was nursing as an infant, she would get very hurt feelings that he was not drinking out of a bottle and preferred me when he was hungry or trying to sleep.

Finally, Christmas hosting got too much for her due to health issues and we switched to SILs house. It was like a light switched. Holidays are so much more fun now, and not just because there are three more kids in the mix. Everything is relaxed and festive. Lots of laughter and bustling. MIL still gets stressed by noise and too much action/conversation, but she is able to handle it for a few hours and leave when it gets to be too much. She seems like she is having a better time now too.

If you are so introverted that normal hosting and conversation is painful, then pass the torch to someone else. You will probably enjoy the holidays so much more, as will your guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you though that how you characterize one family vs another may be a difference of extrovert ("animated and talkitive") vs introverted ("closed and depressed").

I don't mean the introverts are depressed, but that people who are extroverted sometimes think there's something wrong with introverts. Maybe think about how you would ideally celebrate the holidays as an introvert and try to institute changes from there rather than comparing it to an extroverted holiday.

+1. I'm tired of b the narrative that being loud and overating is somehow normal but being quiet and a little reserved is wrong.

I'm tired of people confusing introversion with shyness or even mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you though that how you characterize one family vs another may be a difference of extrovert ("animated and talkitive") vs introverted ("closed and depressed").

I don't mean the introverts are depressed, but that people who are extroverted sometimes think there's something wrong with introverts. Maybe think about how you would ideally celebrate the holidays as an introvert and try to institute changes from there rather than comparing it to an extroverted holiday.

+1. I'm tired of b the narrative that being loud and overating is somehow normal but being quiet and a little reserved is wrong.

A whole Christmas celebration where people, especially the hosts, sit around not saying a word to one another and playing on their phones like a bunch of sullen teenagers is weird and wrong.

If you are that introverted, do not host. Ask one of your more outgoing family members to host.

Christmas at my MILs was excrutiating. She is crabby and controlling, they have little conversation, and sports or sports talk shows were on all day long (without the boisterous fun that usually comes with sports watching households). She had unrealistic memories of how children behaved, which made the kids walk on eggshells and my SIL feel judged. When my oldest was nursing as an infant, she would get very hurt feelings that he was not drinking out of a bottle and preferred me when he was hungry or trying to sleep.

Finally, Christmas hosting got too much for her due to health issues and we switched to SILs house. It was like a light switched. Holidays are so much more fun now, and not just because there are three more kids in the mix. Everything is relaxed and festive. Lots of laughter and bustling. MIL still gets stressed by noise and too much action/conversation, but she is able to handle it for a few hours and leave when it gets to be too much. She seems like she is having a better time now too.

If you are so introverted that normal hosting and conversation is painful, then pass the torch to someone else. You will probably enjoy the holidays so much more, as will your guests.

OP here. I did not realize that this thread evolved into a debate, nor did I intend it to. As for the group at hand, the example of my introverted relative asking my extroverted relative to sit next to her, only for the extroverted relative to say no vehemenently, was a strange sight to witness. IMO, it was also hurtful. I know that I don't speak for everyone. But I am of this PPs opinion, that if it is so painful to get together for two hours, talk a bit (not a lot, but make a slight effort, myself included), and you insist on having the television on non stop through dinner, looking at your phones constantly, and judging the other side of personality (which I did not do at the time, but admit I might be doing it here, on an anon forum), then why bother getting together at all? Is that really any kind of "celebration", or at that point, is the host just doing it for some odd bragging rights? If you see each other once or twice per year, and are not talking or catching up, even a little bit, is that not odd? I am mostly an introvert, but I make the effort for two hours, because I know it is important to some of the people there. I don't understand showing up someplace, only to act like a sullen teenager. What is the point? I am asking in all seriousness. I am not intending to provoke hostile responses.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about extroversion or introversion. I agree with OPs last point - why force us all to get together when it's so painful? There was no 'catching up' or 'bonding' at our Christmas gathering. Just white-knuckling it for three days waiting for the timer to be up. Every night DH and I would go to be saying "only 70 hours to go!"

Do the other family members not see how bad this is? Do they just not know what a fun holiday looks like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you though that how you characterize one family vs another may be a difference of extrovert ("animated and talkitive") vs introverted ("closed and depressed").

I don't mean the introverts are depressed, but that people who are extroverted sometimes think there's something wrong with introverts. Maybe think about how you would ideally celebrate the holidays as an introvert and try to institute changes from there rather than comparing it to an extroverted holiday.

+1. I'm tired of b the narrative that being loud and overating is somehow normal but being quiet and a little reserved is wrong.

A whole Christmas celebration where people, especially the hosts, sit around not saying a word to one another and playing on their phones like a bunch of sullen teenagers is weird and wrong.

If you are that introverted, do not host. Ask one of your more outgoing family members to host.

Christmas at my MILs was excrutiating. She is crabby and controlling, they have little conversation, and sports or sports talk shows were on all day long (without the boisterous fun that usually comes with sports watching households). She had unrealistic memories of how children behaved, which made the kids walk on eggshells and my SIL feel judged. When my oldest was nursing as an infant, she would get very hurt feelings that he was not drinking out of a bottle and preferred me when he was hungry or trying to sleep.

Finally, Christmas hosting got too much for her due to health issues and we switched to SILs house. It was like a light switched. Holidays are so much more fun now, and not just because there are three more kids in the mix. Everything is relaxed and festive. Lots of laughter and bustling. MIL still gets stressed by noise and too much action/conversation, but she is able to handle it for a few hours and leave when it gets to be too much. She seems like she is having a better time now too.

If you are so introverted that normal hosting and conversation is painful, then pass the torch to someone else. You will probably enjoy the holidays so much more, as will your guests.

You have zero understanding of what introverts v. extroverts are.

[Anonymous]

I come from a very reserved WASPy household. We do not have feelings. We do not make a scene. We are not demonstrative.

My husband's family is warm and loud and hugging and laughing hysterically.

I have .... unclenched, somewhat.