Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?

[Anonymous]

After many years of not confronting my middle sister (I am the youngest of three girls) about her very clear mental disorders I finally told her about herself tonight via text. I wasn't the least bit angry and stated everything in a very matter of fact tone. It bugs me because my parents (mom is now deceased) have always skirted around the elephant in the room when it comes to her. My oldest sister is a diagnosed schizophrenic, so I think it's always been painful for my parents to have to admit that another one of their children is not well. My oldest sister is completely disabled by her disease; however, the sister in question is somewhat functioning, which makes her disorders easier to ignore/deny. She has extreme social phobia, she is a virgin at 41 and has never dated (or been kissed as far as I know) in her life. She does not have any friends and rarely comes around the family.

I have talked to her, but have not seen her since our mothers funeral almost 3 years ago. She constantly comes up with excuses for why she can't do something and will typically deflect her inadequacies back on to you. She's a typical gaslighter and in general a drain on energy. I am done allowing her to pass her bs off as normal, so I told her about herself. Since our mom died, I have been left with the full brunt of our ageing father, while she gets to claim she is doing this and that from afar, which she is not. Every holiday it is me, my dad and the kids, never my sisters. Oldest sister is excused, but the sister who won't own the problems she has is actually the harder pill to swallow because she is so full of shit. I guess this is more of a vent thread than anything, but I really am sick of it. Christmas is in 4 days and it will be me and my dad again. I just want my dad to call a spade a spade so we can cut the shenanigans with her.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you've diagnosed her as mentally ill without qualifications to do so. It also sounds like you trashed her life in a text and are expecting her not to react.

[Anonymous]

If you truly believe she is struggling with mental illness, it's not reasonable to believe that she is making a conscious choice to behave the way she does just to upset you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you truly believe she is struggling with mental illness, it's not reasonable to believe that she is making a conscious choice to behave the way she does just to upset you.

+1, you have some significant mental health issues in your family. She needs love and support not you being nasty.

[Anonymous]

1. You don't start a text war.

2. You can have that discussion face-to-face, or by phone, but it won't change the fact that she can't help herself.

3. And we come to the crux of the matter: what good are you really doing, OP, if you criticize someone who cannot help themselves? Do you really think there's a magic pill for extreme social anxiety or whatever your sister has?

4. It's better to accept that you are the only functional sister, and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

If you have something difficult or hurtful you want to say to someone about something they cannot help, like your suspicion that they have a mental illness, you either:

1. Don’t say it because it’s hurtful and will probably not help.
2. Say it in person in a loving way if you determine it may actually help.
3. Say it via text if you want only to be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you truly believe she is struggling with mental illness, it's not reasonable to believe that she is making a conscious choice to behave the way she does just to upset you.

+1, you have some significant mental health issues in your family. She needs love and support not you being nasty.

That's the thing, I wasn't nasty. I was honest and I am tired. I'm tired of pretending like there isn't a very clear problem. I am tired of my dad pretending like I am not the only one who is taking care of him emotionally. Minus me he would be alone. The brunt is on me, but the credit is being shared. Now that my mom is gone everything is on me, but no one will acknowledge it. I am the strong one and I am absolutely sick of the roll.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your sisters are not the only children of your parents with mental health issues. And, yes, you owe your sister an apology for unleashing on her because of your own troubled spirit.

[Anonymous]

Wow, maybe you should focus on being grateful that you didn't get this highly heritable illness. You can't blame mentally ill people for mentally ill behavior. Its not rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you truly believe she is struggling with mental illness, it's not reasonable to believe that she is making a conscious choice to behave the way she does just to upset you.

+1, you have some significant mental health issues in your family. She needs love and support not you being nasty.

That's the thing, I wasn't nasty. I was honest and I am tired. I'm tired of pretending like there isn't a very clear problem. I am tired of my dad pretending like I am not the only one who is taking care of him emotionally. Minus me he would be alone. The brunt is on me, but the credit is being shared. Now that my mom is gone everything is on me, but no one will acknowledge it. I am the strong one and I am absolutely sick of the roll.

Do you have kids?
If you have more than one, you should realize that they have different personalities, and might not be there for you in the same way when you need them. And that's before we add mental health into the mix.

I have seen this played out so many times. There is always one sibling willing to bear the brunt of care, and another who tries to take credit while doing less, or nothing. My aunt took care of my grandmother, and my mother tried to pretend she helped (then my aunt stole my inheritance because she felt she'd "earned" it by helping out my grandmother - good times). My husband cannot help out his mother because she lives overseas, so her other children help her out *daily*. My husband still thinks he's helping out, by dishing out medical advice (he's a doctor), when she's surrounded by other members of her family who are also doctors - but no one is disabusing him. That would be mean.

You get my drift.
Let. It. Go.

And don't think your father isn't unaware of the situation. He's probably giving her credit because he knows that's all she can give, and he wants to save face for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, maybe you should focus on being grateful that you didn't get this highly heritable illness. You can't blame mentally ill people for mentally ill behavior. Its not rational.

OP here, legit question, so what does the "normal" one do? Am I never allowed to acknowledge the very real feelings I have because I should be grateful? What do I do with my feelings? Bury them? Constantly cater to others? Won't being the strong one eventually drive me crazy too? Do I just continue on in this twilight zone of a life where no one calls a rose a rose?

[Anonymous]

You have taken on too much. That is ultimately on you, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you truly believe she is struggling with mental illness, it's not reasonable to believe that she is making a conscious choice to behave the way she does just to upset you.

+1, you have some significant mental health issues in your family. She needs love and support not you being nasty.

That's the thing, I wasn't nasty. I was honest and I am tired. I'm tired of pretending like there isn't a very clear problem. I am tired of my dad pretending like I am not the only one who is taking care of him emotionally. Minus me he would be alone. The brunt is on me, but the credit is being shared. Now that my mom is gone everything is on me, but no one will acknowledge it. I am the strong one and I am absolutely sick of the roll.

Do you have kids?
If you have more than one, you should realize that they have different personalities, and might not be there for you in the same way when you need them. And that's before we add mental health into the mix.

I have seen this played out so many times. There is always one sibling willing to bear the brunt of care, and another who tries to take credit while doing less, or nothing. My aunt took care of my grandmother, and my mother tried to pretend she helped (then my aunt stole my inheritance because she felt she'd "earned" it by helping out my grandmother - good times). My husband cannot help out his mother because she lives overseas, so her other children help her out *daily*. My husband still thinks he's helping out, by dishing out medical advice (he's a doctor), when she's surrounded by other members of her family who are also doctors - but no one is disabusing him. That would be mean.

You get my drift.
Let. It. Go.

And don't think your father isn't unaware of the situation. He's probably giving her credit because he knows that's all she can give, and he wants to save face for everyone.

Op here, I really appreciate your very reasonable and rational response. I think what I am getting at is I am hurting too, but so much more is being required of me because I am the "strong one." I'm just wondering when does the strong one get acknowledged for her strength, get a break from being strong and respect for saying what I see?

I have 4 kids and I am the only one with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, maybe you should focus on being grateful that you didn't get this highly heritable illness. You can't blame mentally ill people for mentally ill behavior. Its not rational.

OP here, legit question, so what does the "normal" one do? Am I never allowed to acknowledge the very real feelings I have because I should be grateful? What do I do with my feelings? Bury them? Constantly cater to others? Won't being the strong one eventually drive me crazy too? Do I just continue on in this twilight zone of a life where no one calls a rose a rose?

Different poster. Your venting and telling it like it is would've been more appropriate for your therapist than to just lay on your sister. You are feeling overwhelmed but that's actually not her fault, it's your issue to resolve, fair or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you truly believe she is struggling with mental illness, it's not reasonable to believe that she is making a conscious choice to behave the way she does just to upset you.

+1, you have some significant mental health issues in your family. She needs love and support not you being nasty.

That's the thing, I wasn't nasty. I was honest and I am tired. I'm tired of pretending like there isn't a very clear problem. I am tired of my dad pretending like I am not the only one who is taking care of him emotionally. Minus me he would be alone. The brunt is on me, but the credit is being shared. Now that my mom is gone everything is on me, but no one will acknowledge it. I am the strong one and I am absolutely sick of the roll.

Do you have kids?
If you have more than one, you should realize that they have different personalities, and might not be there for you in the same way when you need them. And that's before we add mental health into the mix.

I have seen this played out so many times. There is always one sibling willing to bear the brunt of care, and another who tries to take credit while doing less, or nothing. My aunt took care of my grandmother, and my mother tried to pretend she helped (then my aunt stole my inheritance because she felt she'd "earned" it by helping out my grandmother - good times). My husband cannot help out his mother because she lives overseas, so her other children help her out *daily*. My husband still thinks he's helping out, by dishing out medical advice (he's a doctor), when she's surrounded by other members of her family who are also doctors - but no one is disabusing him. That would be mean.

You get my drift.
Let. It. Go.

And don't think your father isn't unaware of the situation. He's probably giving her credit because he knows that's all she can give, and he wants to save face for everyone.

Op here, I really appreciate your very reasonable and rational response. I think what I am getting at is I am hurting too, but so much more is being required of me because I am the "strong one." I'm just wondering when does the strong one get acknowledged for her strength, get a break from being strong and respect for saying what I see?

I have 4 kids and I am the only one with children.

You are in caretaker hell right now.
The healthy way of dealing with it is to talk it out with a therapist, a couple of close friends and your spouse. Don't burden the one person all the time.
You cannot expect any participant in the situation, ie, your father or any of your sisters, to be appropriately grateful or acknowledge to you the magnitude of what you do. Get that out of your mind right now, because it's not going to happen.

I hope one day you will be able to look on this with fresh eyes and understand that you are not doing this for any external praise. You are doing this for your own sense of parental duty and self-respect. And if you have 4 lovely kids, then explain it to them in that way. Hopefully you will be lucky and they will all be here for you in your old age. The kids are always watching, and learning.