Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?

[Anonymous]

I am surprised how many unsympathetic responses OP is getting . Shows how stepping in and helping out is a fruitless job. PP got it right, lower expectations to O. Nothing coining from your sister nor your father that would help your mental stability. I am sorry OP, I feel you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you always have the option of setting boundaries with people in your life. That looks like this "Miranda, I will not answer the phone anymore when you call me after 9 pm obsessing about your health crises, and I will only listen for 15 minutes when you discuss whether the neighbors are trying to kill you. Please be on notice of these rules."

However, telling people they are psychotic/mentally ill/paranoid/schizo/borderline/green-peppered is not setting boundaries. It is simply telling people off and blasting them. You are not the Diagnoser of Maladies and having a diagnosis does not make anyone's life easier. In fact, it can make a mentally ill person even more anxious to hear someone angrily text/scream that they are considered mentally ill.

My mother is very seriously mentally ill and my brother recently shrieked at her "You're psychotic! You're psychotic! Leave me alone!" Now she ruminates constantly on his "diagnosis" of her as psychotic, leaving me long phone messages with 59 reasons why she's not psychotic. How helpful was this diagnosis to her (and the rest of us), OP?

Funny thing is, my texting her is the boundary I've set. I limit interaction with her and have blocked her on a few occasions.

I really do appreciate the constructive feedback from some of you, it's quite helpful. Quickly scrolling past the bs comments and not reading.

[Anonymous]

If she is mentally ill, she will not realize it. If her brain is ill it's not reasoning normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many unsympathetic responses OP is getting . Shows how stepping in and helping out is a fruitless job. PP got it right, lower expectations to O. Nothing coining from your sister nor your father that would help your mental stability. I am sorry OP, I feel you.

I appreciate your coming to my defense. Luckily when it comes to the comments of strangers (particularly strangers on DCUM) I am easily able to take in the meat and throw out the bones. There are a lot of comments of substance on here and I am definitely taking them in. The others have been placed in the garbage where they belong...

[Anonymous]

I am also on OP's side on this. OP, you need to do/say what is best for you. You are the one shouldering all the responsibility here. If it makes you feel better to unleash. Unleash.

I went through a similar situation in my family, did seek counseling, and my therapist told me to "close the door and walk away." I haven't spoken or interacted with my own sister in ten years. It is great!

I personally think it is fine to tell sister #2 where you are coming from (at least she knows and should leave you alone), but you should also be very clear with your father that you are not going to play games about her. You need to speak the truth to him as well.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many unsympathetic responses OP is getting . Shows how stepping in and helping out is a fruitless job. PP got it right, lower expectations to O. Nothing coining from your sister nor your father that would help your mental stability. I am sorry OP, I feel you.

I've been a caretaker to both my parents, but I've also had my siblings project their crap on me - which is exactly what OP is doing to her sister. Stepping in and taking care of others is hard work, and a thankless job, but blaming circumstances on someone else who did nothing to cause the circumstance, is entirely unfair.

OP needs therapy to deal with her choices and anger over her choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you always have the option of setting boundaries with people in your life. That looks like this "Miranda, I will not answer the phone anymore when you call me after 9 pm obsessing about your health crises, and I will only listen for 15 minutes when you discuss whether the neighbors are trying to kill you. Please be on notice of these rules."

However, telling people they are psychotic/mentally ill/paranoid/schizo/borderline/green-peppered is not setting boundaries. It is simply telling people off and blasting them. You are not the Diagnoser of Maladies and having a diagnosis does not make anyone's life easier. In fact, it can make a mentally ill person even more anxious to hear someone angrily text/scream that they are considered mentally ill.

My mother is very seriously mentally ill and my brother recently shrieked at her "You're psychotic! You're psychotic! Leave me alone!" Now she ruminates constantly on his "diagnosis" of her as psychotic, leaving me long phone messages with 59 reasons why she's not psychotic. How helpful was this diagnosis to her (and the rest of us), OP?

Funny thing is, my texting her is the boundary I've set. I limit interaction with her and have blocked her on a few occasions.

I really do appreciate the constructive feedback from some of you, it's quite helpful. Quickly scrolling past the bs comments and not reading.

So you want your sister to 'hear the truth' but you can't take it from others? That's rather hypocritical.

Seems that you are doing a lot of projecting of your issues and choices, onto her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After many years of not confronting my middle sister (I am the youngest of three girls) about her very clear mental disorders I finally told her about herself tonight via text. I wasn't the least bit angry and stated everything in a very matter of fact tone. It bugs me because my parents (mom is now deceased) have always skirted around the elephant in the room when it comes to her. My oldest sister is a diagnosed schizophrenic, so I think it's always been painful for my parents to have to admit that another one of their children is not well. My oldest sister is completely disabled by her disease; however, the sister in question is somewhat functioning, which makes her disorders easier to ignore/deny. She has extreme social phobia, she is a virgin at 41 and has never dated (or been kissed as far as I know) in her life. She does not have any friends and rarely comes around the family.

I have talked to her, but have not seen her since our mothers funeral almost 3 years ago. She constantly comes up with excuses for why she can't do something and will typically deflect her inadequacies back on to you. She's a typical gaslighter and in general a drain on energy. I am done allowing her to pass her bs off as normal, so I told her about herself. Since our mom died, I have been left with the full brunt of our ageing father, while she gets to claim she is doing this and that from afar, which she is not. Every holiday it is me, my dad and the kids, never my sisters. Oldest sister is excused, but the sister who won't own the problems she has is actually the harder pill to swallow because she is so full of shit. I guess this is more of a vent thread than anything, but I really am sick of it. Christmas is in 4 days and it will be me and my dad again. I just want my dad to call a spade a spade so we can cut the shenanigans with her.

I think texting all this was completely inappropriate. If you needed to do something at the level of a caring sibling trying to help the other, it should have been done in person.

You need to deal with the sister you have, not the sister you want. You need to put up your own appropriate boundaries and stick to them. Longing for a sister who is capable of helping out is just going to make you bitter. You aren't going to get that.

[Anonymous]

I am assuming a lot of you have never dealt with a functionally mentally ill person before, or you may be that functionally mental ill person who everyone in your family is having to tolerate. Which may explain some of the hit dog will holler responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you truly believe she is struggling with mental illness, it's not reasonable to believe that she is making a conscious choice to behave the way she does just to upset you.

+1, you have some significant mental health issues in your family. She needs love and support not you being nasty.

That's the thing, I wasn't nasty. I was honest and I am tired. I'm tired of pretending like there isn't a very clear problem. I am tired of my dad pretending like I am not the only one who is taking care of him emotionally. Minus me he would be alone. The brunt is on me, but the credit is being shared. Now that my mom is gone everything is on me, but no one will acknowledge it. I am the strong one and I am absolutely sick of the roll.

1. You seem to be of the mistaken belief that you can't be both honest and cruel at the same time.
2. Who cares about "credit being shared equally?" There is no best daughter prize. Get over it.
3. Only one that is taking care of him emotionally is very nebulous. Did you ever think that the fact that he feels that your other siblings also take care of him may mean that he doesn't view things the same way you do?
4. Honest or not there is no legitimate reason why you needed to "be honest" with your sister via text. Seriously, most people wouldn't even break up with someone they have been on a few dates with via text. Let alone make mental diagnosis of a sibling.
5. If you were trying to help you would have given her some resources (I.e. The name of a mental health professional in her areas). Instead you just told her all the ways she sucks and expected her to be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming a lot of you have never dealt with a functionally mentally ill person before, or you may be that functionally mental ill person who everyone in your family is having to tolerate. Which may explain some of the hit dog will holler responses.

I must have missed something. Can you point out things that OP has said the sister has done to her? Harmful, mean, hateful, toxic, or abusive things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming a lot of you have never dealt with a functionally mentally ill person before, or you may be that functionally mental ill person who everyone in your family is having to tolerate. Which may explain some of the hit dog will holler responses.

I think what people are trying to say is not that the OP doesn’t have an extremely difficult situation. I think people are saying that the action she took (sending the text) wasn’t going to lead to an outcome that would improve the situation. I think a lot of people acknowledged the “caretaker hell” the OP was in, and the need for her to find both assistance and a way to vent/release, but sending the text wasn’t the way to go about it.

I think a lot of people on DCUM HAVE dealt with functionally mental ill people, and there is remarkable consistency in what they offer in terms of advice:
-Do not expect change in behavior
-Diistance yourself from the situation
-Seek counseling/therapy/etc for yourself to help you deal with the struggles that come with dealing with someone else’s mental illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming a lot of you have never dealt with a functionally mentally ill person before, or you may be that functionally mental ill person who everyone in your family is having to tolerate. Which may explain some of the hit dog will holler responses.

I must have missed something. Can you point out things that OP has said the sister has done to her? Harmful, mean, hateful, toxic, or abusive things?

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming a lot of you have never dealt with a functionally mentally ill person before, or you may be that functionally mental ill person who everyone in your family is having to tolerate. Which may explain some of the hit dog will holler responses.

I think what people are trying to say is not that the OP doesn’t have an extremely difficult situation. I think people are saying that the action she took (sending the text) wasn’t going to lead to an outcome that would improve the situation. I think a lot of people acknowledged the “caretaker hell” the OP was in, and the need for her to find both assistance and a way to vent/release, but sending the text wasn’t the way to go about it.

I think a lot of people on DCUM HAVE dealt with functionally mental ill people, and there is remarkable consistency in what they offer in terms of advice:
-Do not expect change in behavior
-Diistance yourself from the situation
-Seek counseling/therapy/etc for yourself to help you deal with the struggles that come with dealing with someone else’s mental illness

+1 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming a lot of you have never dealt with a functionally mentally ill person before, or you may be that functionally mental ill person who everyone in your family is having to tolerate. Which may explain some of the hit dog will holler responses.

+1 my experience has been that people from normal families will never get the scope of what it means to deal with a functionally mentally ill person.
They think you exaggerate or are not compassionate enough after practically becoming Mother Theresa like.