Dear friend very unhappy; should I be honest about his marriage?

[Anonymous]

I have a close friend I've known for some years. Throughout the time I've known him, he's been stressed out, suffering from insomnia and frequent stomach upset, and sometimes really sad. He's on a very short leash at home; I believe he probably once had an affair, and now he has to account for every moment of his day, leave work at an exact time and come straight home, and keep working from home if he needs to. I know his marriage has been sexless for a long time.

Every single family vacation stresses him out, and he starts worrying about family stresses-- one of his college-age children is particularly trying-- well in advance. We've become close in that we confide a lot. He's been incredibly supportive of tough things in my life, and I in his. Sometimes he talks about the pain of a divorce over 25 years ago, and he refers to his wife only in discussing family stress.

At the same time, he's extremely devoted to his family in a way that's very touching.

I'm not one to advise a married man about his marriage-- particularly because I'm a married woman. But it is absurdly obvious that he is miserable in this marriage. He's happier on business trips, happier at work. I feel it's amazing he hasn't been open about this yet, and I feel like this marriage will kill him eventually-- the stress, sleeplessness, lack of trust in him, the tight leash.

I am starting to feel like a good friend would not fail to tell him the obvious, and I wonder if he knows it himself.

What should I do?

[Anonymous]

He already knows. There is no need to tell him. I know you want to be a good friend but only he can solve his problems, not you. Also I would not talk about sex with a married man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a close friend I've known for some years. Throughout the time I've known him, he's been stressed out, suffering from insomnia and frequent stomach upset, and sometimes really sad. He's on a very short leash at home; I believe he probably once had an affair, and now he has to account for every moment of his day, leave work at an exact time and come straight home, and keep working from home if he needs to. I know his marriage has been sexless for a long time.

Every single family vacation stresses him out, and he starts worrying about family stresses-- one of his college-age children is particularly trying-- well in advance. We've become close in that we confide a lot. He's been incredibly supportive of tough things in my life, and I in his. Sometimes he talks about the pain of a divorce over 25 years ago, and he refers to his wife only in discussing family stress.

At the same time, he's extremely devoted to his family in a way that's very touching.

I'm not one to advise a married man about his marriage-- particularly because I'm a married woman. But it is absurdly obvious that he is miserable in this marriage. He's happier on business trips, happier at work. I feel it's amazing he hasn't been open about this yet, and I feel like this marriage will kill him eventually-- the stress, sleeplessness, lack of trust in him, the tight leash.

I am starting to feel like a good friend would not fail to tell him the obvious, and I wonder if he knows it himself.

What should I do?

Start by asking him if he is OK, you are worried about him. Go from there.

[Anonymous]

Leave the man be!!! Are you trying to get with him -- it sounds like it sugar.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing you are the problem in his marriage.

[Anonymous]

What an odd question. If you are his friend, you simply check in about how he's doing, etc and that's it. It's entirely his decision to stay in his marriage. He doesn't need your input.

[Anonymous]

If he cheated then he decided his own fate! Let him wallow in it.

[Anonymous]

Encourage him to seek counseling—better he hears it from a professional than from you.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think you're in a position to know more about his life than he does?

[Anonymous]

You are very presumptuous for assuming he'd be happier without his marriage.

There could be SO MUCH going on that you don't even know about. He's the one who had an affair, right? Typically in those situations there's an attachment injury, and he has to work hard to repair it. And it sounds like he wants to. But that can be stressful.

Abandoning his marriage doesn't sound like the answer.

Stay out of it. If you support him, you support his marriage.

[Anonymous]

His children are grown and he can leave. His emotional distress and mental deterioration are his own fault now for not leaving.

[Anonymous]

You don't know what is actually going on in his personal life. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT assume he'd be happier leaving. Generally these people tend to bring their own worries with them. He's using you as a dumping ground, so please don't automatically think that he's desperately unhappy all the time. Suggest individual or couples' therapy for him, suggest doing meditation, getting a full check-up at the doctor's, downsizing his life, etc...

If he's confiding in you that much and you suspect his wife keeps him on a short leash, do you see the connection here?

[Anonymous]

Are you by any chance also the OP of the "what is an emotional affair" thread?

[Anonymous]

He could also suffer from anxiety and no matter what his situation finds stress in it. Suggest counseling but you Missy stay out of it.