Fear of Getting Hurt
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Anonymous
| Does anyone have any advice about getting over the fear of being hurt in a new relationship? After being ghosted, strung along, dumped over text etc by multiple guys over the last year, I have a guy in my life where there is some potential there, but I am so afraid of putting myself out there and being hurt yet again. Going to take it slow, but I feel a lot of anxiety about it and don't want it to get in the way of something that could be good. Thanks so much. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, therapy. |
Anonymous
Hah! OP here. I actually start next week - not necessarily in re this particular issue, but hopefully therapist can be helpful here too. |
Anonymous
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Your generation has a different complication than mine - the ghosting thing seems prolific because many don't seem to believe they have to "officially" or gracefully break things off now.
But Dearest OP - if you can honestly say you are not clingy or rushing things (e.g. sex too early, demanding telephone calls everyday, demanding texts be answered immediately, etc.) than you haven't met someone with the same goals. You will. If you don't feel secure with the WAY you handle yourself while you're seeing these guys, change this first. And I'm not talking about playing head games - I'm talking about being good to yourself. You may not believe me but it will happen when you're not trying too hard. Please trust me. It's why men that you're not interested in find you attractive because you're being yourself ... I'm pulling for you!  <3
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Anonymous
OP here. Thank you so very much. I really appreciate these words. |
Anonymous
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I kinda think that if a guy texted or ghosted a woman to break up, your instinct not to trust him or feel anxious may have been accurate. You shouldn't automatically trust everyone.
FYI, I once had a guy text a break up, and I said that we had spent enough time together that I deserved an in person convo. Same for a guy who tried to ghost me. And I wound up going to their places and having a calm convo about it. Don't let guys get away with that shit if you feel you deserve more- don't just send a cheery "ok I understand!" text back. That makes it easier for men to pull that with other women. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am 35 and I got divorced after a really bad marriage. I have a 5 year old. I have a lot of fear of getting hurt. I have been dating. I have been ghosted, dumped via text, hurt, etc. All in this year.
I stopped dating. But I have a FWB I text with once a week or every other week and he comes over. That has its own problems, because he's younger and not someone I could actually date. I am trying to be kind to myself. I need more time to pull myself back together. But it doesn't stop the lonliness and the wondering about what all of this was really for. I met someone really interesting pursuing one of my interests this week. But my mindset is that this fun thing we're doing is only going to be for a short while. I expect him to disappoint me. I don't get my hopes up. I do have hope that I know a lot more now about relationships than I did, and I can wait until I meet someone who will truly adore me. I never understood what that meant. It only makes me go back through people I wouldn't date before and wish I had given them a chance. On the other hand, if you haven't gotten married and had kids yet, DCUM has recently been saying to make clear your intentions to get married earlier on. Maybe not the first date, but not to waste your time with people who are going to hurt you eventually because they want something/someone different. Just thoughts. |
Anonymous
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I dated a guy for a few years who cheated on me on got another girl pregnant. Within a year after this particular breakup, I started dating my now-ex-husband. I stayed with him because he was safe, he was nice to me, and I didn’t think he would ever hurt me. (He really didn’t, but after many years together it was obvious we just were a total mismatch).
My advice is, if you think therapy will help, do it. I should’ve stayed single longer and learned to love myself and to be cool with being alone. After I got divorced from the guy I settled for, I did stay single and lived alone, didn’t date seriously for a year or so, and really, honestly learned to love myself and my life. I became really self sufficient. I’d stay home and listen to whatever the F I wanted to. I learned new hobbies and how to fix things. It was awesome, and I feel like a better person and I’ve grown a lot. So. Don’t rush into anything. Don’t settle. Love yourself. Love life without a romantic partner to lean on all the time. |
Anonymous
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Don't give up, continue to see the positive in people but let go when they aren't good for you.
I wanted to give up many times before meeting my husband. He was 100% worth the wait. |
Anonymous
| Let the guy take the lead. Ask you out, text and call the most, say I love you. No sex for three months or until you're comfortable. Old fashioned for a reason. Then you'll know they really like you! |
Anonymous
Oh and save your money on therapy and buy cute clothes and makeup guys like! |
Anonymous
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In love, there never are any guarantees unfortunately OP.
EVERY + ANYone who gives their heart away will always be at risk. No matter their age, looks, social status, etc. It is a risk for all. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
I really think this is important. Truly I don't think it's about preventing yourself from getting hurt. The energy wasted making and following rules (don't sleep with someone for however long, wait for them to contact you) that in the end cannot really prevent heartbreak, is better spent learning to manage your emotions around getting hurt and the fear thereof. |
Anonymous
You can't be serious. |