I apologize for what I did wrong

[Anonymous]

This is too much.

BIL insisted that DH do a guys weekend in Canada two and a half years ago last minute and said that the ONLY weekend that it could be was the same weekend our daughter's birthday and party was scheduled.

DH is a kind and agreed since his brother lives in Seattle, travels a lot for work, we never go there (trips there have been miserable since he works 24/7 and his wife is controlling), they rarely make family events (family in NY/LA), and he had never ONCE visited us in DC. Even for our wedding in LA, he showed up one day and left the next morning and his wife and kids didn't come at all.

So, DH got some cabin outside of Vancouver which was BIL's idea but BIL didn't have time to book and ... BIL didn't show up. He was driving from Seattle which was the car but DH couldn't reach him so rented a car and went to the cabin. Finally, a couple hours later after worry, BIL said he had some deal and couldn't make it and "knew DH would understand.". No apology at all. DH was dumbfounded.

We not poor but it was expensive and sad, and BIL who is an executive wouldn't even reimburse DH for HIS half of the cabin since he didn't use it. (He had promised to reimburse in person.). And obviously didn't reimburse for the last minute plane tickets and car rental.

Fine, DH drops it (kind) but then 6-months later, BIL calls DH and says that our kids and I are not invited to the first family Thanksgiving that they ever hosted because there isn't enough room after we bought plane tickets. Even if it was BIL's wife (no love lost), it was tacky.

We haven't spoken to BIL. MIL/FIL aren't taking sides but understand that we simply do our own thing in DC where they are welcome. FIL had tried to convince DH to go to Seattle alone but DH stood his ground. Kids were disappointed but last year, MIL/FIL came to DC, and then this year, went to Seattle.

Well, today, TWO years later, DH gets an email from BIL with two lines:

I apologize for what I did wrong. Your wife says you are a forgiving person.

That second line is because we see MIL/FIL regularly and DH is forgiving, already has forgiven his brother, but doesn't want the drama, and I mentioned it to MIL, who clearly repeated it to BIL over Thanksgiving.

DH is inclined not to respond at all. I think he should -- 2 years is long enough. We'll never make plans to see them again and they never see us. It's just a formality but DH said that he is sick of his big brother treating him like a doormat and would rather let sleeping dogs lie.

Obviously, it's not my decision but I'm curious what DCUM would do and if they would respond, how?

[Anonymous]

Way too long post.

[Anonymous]

That was a non-apology. I'd ignore it.

[Anonymous]

I can't think of the perfect way to say it, but I think that I would accept the apology and be happy that he realized what a jerk he had been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is too much.

BIL insisted that DH do a guys weekend in Canada two and a half years ago last minute and said that the ONLY weekend that it could be was the same weekend our daughter's birthday and party was scheduled.

DH is a kind and agreed since his brother lives in Seattle, travels a lot for work, we never go there (trips there have been miserable since he works 24/7 and his wife is controlling), they rarely make family events (family in NY/LA), and he had never ONCE visited us in DC. Even for our wedding in LA, he showed up one day and left the next morning and his wife and kids didn't come at all.

So, DH got some cabin outside of Vancouver which was BIL's idea but BIL didn't have time to book and ... BIL didn't show up. He was driving from Seattle which was the car but DH couldn't reach him so rented a car and went to the cabin. Finally, a couple hours later after worry, BIL said he had some deal and couldn't make it and "knew DH would understand.". No apology at all. DH was dumbfounded.

We not poor but it was expensive and sad, and BIL who is an executive wouldn't even reimburse DH for HIS half of the cabin since he didn't use it. (He had promised to reimburse in person.). And obviously didn't reimburse for the last minute plane tickets and car rental.

Fine, DH drops it (kind) but then 6-months later, BIL calls DH and says that our kids and I are not invited to the first family Thanksgiving that they ever hosted because there isn't enough room after we bought plane tickets. Even if it was BIL's wife (no love lost), it was tacky.

We haven't spoken to BIL. MIL/FIL aren't taking sides but understand that we simply do our own thing in DC where they are welcome. FIL had tried to convince DH to go to Seattle alone but DH stood his ground. Kids were disappointed but last year, MIL/FIL came to DC, and then this year, went to Seattle.

Well, today, TWO years later, DH gets an email from BIL with two lines:

I apologize for what I did wrong. Your wife says you are a forgiving person.

That second line is because we see MIL/FIL regularly and DH is forgiving, already has forgiven his brother, but doesn't want the drama, and I mentioned it to MIL, who clearly repeated it to BIL over Thanksgiving.

DH is inclined not to respond at all. I think he should -- 2 years is long enough. We'll never make plans to see them again and they never see us. It's just a formality but DH said that he is sick of his big brother treating him like a doormat and would rather let sleeping dogs lie.

Obviously, it's not my decision but I'm curious what DCUM would do and if they would respond, how?

I do not know how I would respond. It would have a lot to do with our relationship growing up; how tight it was, how much my brother was there for me, etc. Depending on the current ages, most of their relationship happened before the wives came along. As for you, I do not think you should encourage your husband to respond or not (I'm not saying that you doing this; I have no idea). I would leave it entirely to him and support whatever he decided.

[Anonymous]

Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

[Anonymous]

knee jerk reaction.

If it was my brother, i would respond.

it would not be a nice response, and it would probably end up with my brother and I not speaking again...ever...

its going to suck as it will strain the father/mother relationship as well. since they live far away closer to brother.

BIL was a jerk the first time no show, asshole for not paying his fair share, and a complete fucktwat for the thanksgiving shenanigans... this is when he would have gotten my "talking to"

one of these things that you just gotta shake your head as you walk away.

whil I can't put all of the blame on Mom and dad, since brother is a grown man, mom and dad failed in raising their first kid... they raised an asshole...

[Anonymous]

I’m with your DH and would just ignore the email. BIL is playing games.

[Anonymous]

"Apology noted."

That's all he has to respond, if he wants to respond.

The crux of the matter is whether BIL was always this way to your husband, or whether these are the only two egregious acts. If it's the former, then please don't fall for it again, and make plans with them.

I've never been treated like this. What makes a person do this, I wonder?

[Anonymous]

I would tell him to make the apology in perdon, and then it will be considered.


If he can make the effort to do that, then perhaps it will be sincere. Otherwise, I don't see the point.

[Anonymous]

^perdon = "person". Where's autocorrect when you need it?!?

[Anonymous]

I would reply with an emotionless "OK thanks" and just leave it at that. No punctuation and no further contact. That acknowledges receipt but leaves the ball entirely in his brother's court.

[Anonymous]

It's your DH's call. It's his brother. He knows his brother and the family dynamics better than you do. If he wants to ignore the email, then he should. Personally, I agree with your DH. That email is no apology and to me, it says that your BIL doesn't have a clue how his actions have affected your DH and your family. Does he even know what he did wrong? I expect more of an apology from my 5 year old.

I say this as someone with perspective on this. My BIL is an arrogant, self-absorbed jerk and after pulling similar crap with my DH, they had a huge falling out and haven't had much of a relationship since. For a while I was hoping they could repair their relationship, but after hearing my DH's side, I stopped mentioning it and am totally 100% behind DH. He's lived with this crap his entire life and even though he wasn't able to do anything about it as a child, he can certainly draw the line as an adult and say "no more."

[Anonymous]

Something is missing from this (very long) story. My spidey sense tells me something else has gone on between the brothers that you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

I mean this kindly.... it’s not your business. It’s their relationship. You are triangulating. Let your husband decide.