I apologize for what I did wrong

[Anonymous]

I would politely but very briefly acknowledge the apology. "Thanks for the apology." And then I would just never make plans to see them or any plans that depended on them. I think that by acknowledging it, your husband takes the high ground, but that doesn't mean that he is obligated to set himself up for bad treatment again. I would not push my husband to have any other contact with his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

Agree with this pp. Accept the apology but don't get gushy. Assume bro will screw you over again so don't ever plan anything with him. This apology sounds like either bro started seeing a shrink and is suffering but thinks a brief apology will make him feel better but he's still self-centered and it won't. Or, bro is a drunk and is just starting in AA and his sponsor made him apologize but bro is not really doing the program with his full heart. Whatever. He obviously isn't sincerely sorry. He's just going through the motions.

[Anonymous]

“Thanks for your email. Hope you and your family are well.” Or just “Thanks for your email.”

Personally I’d have a hard time adding “I admit I was hurt by your actions and your attitude, and I still don’t understand why you treated me that way.” He sounds like a complete jerk. Let your husband decide how to respond to that non-apology.

[Anonymous]

* not adding

[Anonymous]

He should have sent a check for the cabin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

This. I might be inclined to spell it out for him:

"Brother, to be clear, what you did wrong was (i) failing to show up to a weekend you insisted we book, and then failing to pay for your share of the expenses, and (ii) disinviting us from a holiday weekend after we had purchased airfare. I'll know you recognize that what you did was wrong, and sincerely feel bad about it, when I receive a check for ______________."

this is, of course, taking OP's account at face value. I agree that there is likely to be quite a bit missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

This. I might be inclined to spell it out for him:

"Brother, to be clear, what you did wrong was (i) failing to show up to a weekend you insisted we book, and then failing to pay for your share of the expenses, and (ii) disinviting my DW and kids from a holiday weekend after we had purchased airfare. I'll know you recognize that what you did was wrong, and sincerely feel bad about it, when I receive a check for ______________."

this is, of course, taking OP's account at face value. I agree that there is likely to be quite a bit missing.

Fixed that for ya. OP's DH was still invited. She and the kids were no longer welcome.

[Anonymous]

Op back.

We do not care about the money . DH never did. I did but it was so long ago at this point, I wrote it off.

BIL has always been a sarcastic person but according to DH, he turned to an ass when he met his wife (before I came into the picture so I only knew him like this) -- BIL is 8 years older. MIL does not like BIL's wife at all and would never make us do a joint Thanksgiving. Even when MIL hosted it for years, BIL never showed up.

DH responded -- it may because I had suggested it this morning (shouldn't have said anything but did.). He wrote "Noted." And says that's the last word on the matter so subject closed and won't discuss more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

This. I might be inclined to spell it out for him:

"Brother, to be clear, what you did wrong was (i) failing to show up to a weekend you insisted we book, and then failing to pay for your share of the expenses, and (ii) disinviting my DW and kids from a holiday weekend after we had purchased airfare. I'll know you recognize that what you did was wrong, and sincerely feel bad about it, when I receive a check for ______________."

this is, of course, taking OP's account at face value. I agree that there is likely to be quite a bit missing.

Fixed that for ya. OP's DH was still invited. She and the kids were no longer welcome.

I didn't see that in the op. Op, can you clarify what happened that Thanksgiving? I'm admittedly morbidly curious about it. You were invited and then disinvited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back.

We do not care about the money . DH never did. I did but it was so long ago at this point, I wrote it off.

BIL has always been a sarcastic person but according to DH, he turned to an ass when he met his wife (before I came into the picture so I only knew him like this) -- BIL is 8 years older. MIL does not like BIL's wife at all and would never make us do a joint Thanksgiving. Even when MIL hosted it for years, BIL never showed up.

DH responded -- it may because I had suggested it this morning (shouldn't have said anything but did.). He wrote "Noted." And says that's the last word on the matter so subject closed and won't discuss more.

Good for your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is too much.

BIL insisted that DH do a guys weekend in Canada two and a half years ago last minute and said that the ONLY weekend that it could be was the same weekend our daughter's birthday and party was scheduled.

DH is a kind and agreed since his brother lives in Seattle, travels a lot for work, we never go there (trips there have been miserable since he works 24/7 and his wife is controlling), they rarely make family events (family in NY/LA), and he had never ONCE visited us in DC. Even for our wedding in LA, he showed up one day and left the next morning and his wife and kids didn't come at all.

So, DH got some cabin outside of Vancouver which was BIL's idea but BIL didn't have time to book and ... BIL didn't show up. He was driving from Seattle which was the car but DH couldn't reach him so rented a car and went to the cabin. Finally, a couple hours later after worry, BIL said he had some deal and couldn't make it and "knew DH would understand.". No apology at all. DH was dumbfounded.

We not poor but it was expensive and sad, and BIL who is an executive wouldn't even reimburse DH for HIS half of the cabin since he didn't use it. (He had promised to reimburse in person.). And obviously didn't reimburse for the last minute plane tickets and car rental.

Fine, DH drops it (kind) but then 6-months later, BIL calls DH and says that our kids and I are not invited to the first family Thanksgiving that they ever hosted because there isn't enough room after we bought plane tickets. Even if it was BIL's wife (no love lost), it was tacky.

We haven't spoken to BIL. MIL/FIL aren't taking sides but understand that we simply do our own thing in DC where they are welcome. FIL had tried to convince DH to go to Seattle alone but DH stood his ground. Kids were disappointed but last year, MIL/FIL came to DC, and then this year, went to Seattle.

Well, today, TWO years later, DH gets an email from BIL with two lines:

I apologize for what I did wrong. Your wife says you are a forgiving person.

That second line is because we see MIL/FIL regularly and DH is forgiving, already has forgiven his brother, but doesn't want the drama, and I mentioned it to MIL, who clearly repeated it to BIL over Thanksgiving.

DH is inclined not to respond at all. I think he should -- 2 years is long enough. We'll never make plans to see them again and they never see us. It's just a formality but DH said that he is sick of his big brother treating him like a doormat and would rather let sleeping dogs lie.

Obviously, it's not my decision but I'm curious what DCUM would do and if they would respond, how?

I think that either you accept the apology or you point blank don't. Because if you leave it hanging then your BIL has something on which to hang his hat "Well, I apologized but they never responded. What am I supposed to do? I said 'I'm sorry'". So either say "I accept your apology" or say "I'm sorry but I cannot accept that apology". Then you keep on moving. Accepting the apology does NOT mean anything going forward and there are no strings. It just means that you've accepted a statement from someone that indicates s/he knows s/he did wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

This. I might be inclined to spell it out for him:

"Brother, to be clear, what you did wrong was (i) failing to show up to a weekend you insisted we book, and then failing to pay for your share of the expenses, and (ii) disinviting my DW and kids from a holiday weekend after we had purchased airfare. I'll know you recognize that what you did was wrong, and sincerely feel bad about it, when I receive a check for ______________."

this is, of course, taking OP's account at face value. I agree that there is likely to be quite a bit missing.

Fixed that for ya. OP's DH was still invited. She and the kids were no longer welcome.

I didn't see that in the op. Op, can you clarify what happened that Thanksgiving? I'm admittedly morbidly curious about it. You were invited and then disinvited?

This is what was in the OP:

...then 6-months later, BIL calls DH and says that our kids and I are not invited to the first family Thanksgiving that they ever hosted because there isn't enough room after we bought plane tickets. Even if it was BIL's wife (no love lost), it was tacky. ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

This. I might be inclined to spell it out for him:

"Brother, to be clear, what you did wrong was (i) failing to show up to a weekend you insisted we book, and then failing to pay for your share of the expenses, and (ii) disinviting my DW and kids from a holiday weekend after we had purchased airfare. I'll know you recognize that what you did was wrong, and sincerely feel bad about it, when I receive a check for ______________."

this is, of course, taking OP's account at face value. I agree that there is likely to be quite a bit missing.

Fixed that for ya. OP's DH was still invited. She and the kids were no longer welcome.

I didn't see that in the op. Op, can you clarify what happened that Thanksgiving? I'm admittedly morbidly curious about it. You were invited and then disinvited?

This is what was in the OP:

...then 6-months later, BIL calls DH and says that our kids and I are not invited to the first family Thanksgiving that they ever hosted because there isn't enough room after we bought plane tickets. Even if it was BIL's wife (no love lost), it was tacky. ...

DP. I think that OP needs to accept the fact that BIL is only apologizing because he wants something. Regardless of how you cut the cheese above, OP and her husband should formally say "we accept your apology" and forget about it all. Because if they don't then they leave themselves open to scrutiny.

Going forward, then, OP/husband should not initiate contact with BIL, should respond politely to any contact "Oh, flying to Hawaii and sharing a group house to celebrate Nona and Poppa's anniversary doesn't work for us. So I'm sorry but I cannot give you our AmEx number. But you should go and have fun!", and then do what works for OP, husband and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back.

We do not care about the money . DH never did. I did but it was so long ago at this point, I wrote it off.

BIL has always been a sarcastic person but according to DH, he turned to an ass when he met his wife (before I came into the picture so I only knew him like this) -- BIL is 8 years older. MIL does not like BIL's wife at all and would never make us do a joint Thanksgiving. Even when MIL hosted it for years, BIL never showed up.

DH responded -- it may because I had suggested it this morning (shouldn't have said anything but did.). He wrote "Noted." And says that's the last word on the matter so subject closed and won't discuss more.

Good for your DH! I like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back.

We do not care about the money . DH never did. I did but it was so long ago at this point, I wrote it off.

BIL has always been a sarcastic person but according to DH, he turned to an ass when he met his wife (before I came into the picture so I only knew him like this) -- BIL is 8 years older. MIL does not like BIL's wife at all and would never make us do a joint Thanksgiving. Even when MIL hosted it for years, BIL never showed up.

DH responded -- it may because I had suggested it this morning (shouldn't have said anything but did.). He wrote "Noted." And says that's the last word on the matter so subject closed and won't discuss more.

Perfect.