Only the noisiest busibodies needed here -

[Anonymous]

I have two friends / neighbors. We have all lived near each other for years and raised our kids together, who are now in his and college. They are both lovely -friend 1 is older and wise and has a very firm moral compass. Friend 2 is younger and breaking up with her husband of 20-plus years, over infidelity - her DH is having a long term affair and announced his intention to leave the marriage. It's a long marriage and so a long process.

Friend 2 confided in me that she also had a long term affair, several years ago. Her husband knows and it's all part of the messy divorce. BUT she has not told friend 1. So moral-compas friend 1 tends to harp on and on and on about how terrible friend 2's DH is, I mean on and on and on. I just want to say hey! They are both at fault! But I guess I can't say anything because friend 2 has not told friend 1 about her own indescretions.

I understand why- friend 1 is very moralistic and can be judg-y. But I see them both regularly and it's driving me nuts. I may just say something like "it takes two to tango" or something . Ugh. advice? What do you do in these situations?

[Anonymous]

Nosey-est. damn autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to STFU.

Seriously, you're the most obnoxious kind of person. Get a hobby and STFU.

[Anonymous]

" Jane. I'm not really comfortable talking this way about John and Sue. It's not really my business.

[Anonymous]

Even if friend 2 hadn't had an affair, it's inappropriate for friend 1 to be going on and on about it. Ask her to stop, you've heard it enough, change the topic of conversation. Focus on how you can support your friend thru this instead of worrying about who is at fault.

[Anonymous]

"Sally, it's neither of our places to judge or comment on why a marriage broke up. What's important is that we're both there for Larla. Can you pass the salt? This bean salad is out of this world!"

[Anonymous]

You could maybe talk with her separately about how you think this sort of talk is making Friend 2 feel uncomfortable. Don't let her know about Friend 2's indiscretions because Friend 1 is likely to judge her for it, and Friend 2 is likely to feel judged for it. But you can let her know that Friend 2 doesn't really like this line of conversation. It's possible Friend 1 is just outraged on behalf of Friend 2 over her DH leaving her and is trying to make her feel better by saying bad things about him. If she realizes this isn't helping Friend 2 but is actually making it worse, she may stop.

[Anonymous]

Just don't contribute anything to the conversation. When friend 1 brings it up just shrug your shoulders and don't say a word. She'll shift topics pretty quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sally, it's neither of our places to judge or comment on why a marriage broke up. What's important is that we're both there for Larla. Can you pass the salt? This bean salad is out of this world!"

This, OP. Have a scripted reply like this ready and use it every time friend 1 goes on about the divorce. And always add a change of subject like this, immediately. Do not, do not, do not drop hints like "it takes two to tango" or you may lose BOTH friends--and deservedly so.

[Anonymous]

Just change the subject. If you spill the beans, friend 1 will (correctly) view this as a betrayal and you may lose both friends.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely do not spill the beans to friend 1 and don’t say it takes two to tango sort of comment. I’ve had several friends divorce and I try to find ways to be supportive of friend without trashing the husband. The main thing is they all have joint custody and have to co-parents with the ex-husband. I’m sometimes trying to talk my friend off the ledge, not spin themselves up when ex is being ridiculous. I have to be cordial to their ex because we see them in the neighborhood and at various events plus if you invite their kids to a birthday party etc, you may have to deal with their ex if it’s their weekend. If the ex has turned their back in the kids and has no involvement, that’s a different situation. I still wouldn’t want to make my friend feel worse but my internal nickname may be that a-hole. You can leave a marriage but shouldn’t leave your children.

So anyway, tell friend 1 you don’t feel comfortable hearing the comments because he is still Larlo’s father and your friend has to co-parent with him etc.

[Anonymous]

I would say, “their marriage and their divorce is really their business not ours. Let’s talk about something else. This is boring!”

[Anonymous]

Infidelity or no, I tend to think (and say, if asked), "Marriage is hard and divorce doesn't usually come down good guy vs. bad guy."

[Anonymous]

You are under no obligation to talk (gossip) with your friend about your other friend's marital issues. Just don't comment on that particular topic and change subjects - Christmas shopping, meal planning, kids, exercise, wine....whatever. Just not that...