What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?

[Anonymous]

He asked us yesterday if he could stay with us for a little while. There was no mention of what a little while mean , but he did offer to pay some in rent. He just got a job it's part-time and minimum wage, but he offered. We don't need the money, but I think this is a good sign he is serious.

Here are my concerns DH and I have two young children who are 8 and 3 years old

Cousin has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Has previously been two rehab. He is recently out of a program. He says he is attending meetings/counseling.

He has previously been in trouble with the law though charges were later dropped.

He has lived with us before and that didn't work out.

I want to help him because he's family and because in some ways he's like a child to us.
He doesn't really have anyone else. His life has been rough father, never in the picture, mother had him when he was 15, and he spent his childhood being bounced around between relatives.
He seems like he's trying hard and wants to turn his life around.
I'm not ready to give up on him.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let him move in, but support him in other ways. Emotionally financially and logistically. But your primary responsibility is to your minor children

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not under the circumstances you describe. But I agree with the PP that says you can support him in other ways.

[Anonymous]

No. Better to deal with it upfront

[Anonymous]

Nope. Not unless I had a completely separate living space for him like a basement or garage apartment

[Anonymous]

You are a good person for considering this, OP. I don’t think I would say yes given the history here, but if you do, I think you should agree on a trial basis and set some ground rules with a one-strike policy. You can be gentle but firm about this; your kids need stability and should not be exposed to adults doing dangerous and inappropriate things in your home.

- No controlled substances in the house and he needs to continue going to AA/support meetings.
- He pays rent (I would set a below-market amount and, if you don’t need the money, put it aside in a separate account to give back to him when he moves out) and helps with household chores — give him one or two things that he’s responsible for doing every week (making sure all trash is on the curb on trash day, etc.)


I would also set aside some time, if you can, to help him make a longer-term plan: getting a GED (if he isn’t a HS graduate), taking community college or vocational classes, helping him budget so he can eventually be self-sufficient, etc. Hopefully if he starts doing these things, he’ll be able to get on his feet and this won’t be an open-ended arrangement that goes on for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He asked us yesterday if he could stay with us for a little while. There was no mention of what a little while mean , but he did offer to pay some in rent. He just got a job it's part-time and minimum wage, but he offered. We don't need the money, but I think this is a good sign he is serious.

Here are my concerns DH and I have two young children who are 8 and 3 years old

Cousin has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Has previously been two rehab. He is recently out of a program. He says he is attending meetings/counseling.

He has previously been in trouble with the law though charges were later dropped.

He has lived with us before and that didn't work out.

I want to help him because he's family and because in some ways he's like a child to us.
He doesn't really have anyone else. His life has been rough father, never in the picture, mother had him when he was 15, and he spent his childhood being bounced around between relatives.
He seems like he's trying hard and wants to turn his life around.
I'm not ready to give up on him.

That must have been a painful delivery. Pushing out a baby is hard enough but pushing out a 15 year old boy? Painful!

No. Don’t let him live with you. You tried it before and it didn’t work. You don’t want to be too closely involved in his problems.

[Anonymous]

I would have him pay rent. Then you can save the money and give it to him when he moves out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He asked us yesterday if he could stay with us for a little while. There was no mention of what a little while mean , but he did offer to pay some in rent. He just got a job it's part-time and minimum wage, but he offered. We don't need the money, but I think this is a good sign he is serious.

Here are my concerns DH and I have two young children who are 8 and 3 years old

Cousin has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Has previously been two rehab. He is recently out of a program. He says he is attending meetings/counseling.

He has previously been in trouble with the law though charges were later dropped.

He has lived with us before and that didn't work out.

I want to help him because he's family and because in some ways he's like a child to us.
He doesn't really have anyone else. His life has been rough father, never in the picture, mother had him when he was 15, and he spent his childhood being bounced around between relatives.
He seems like he's trying hard and wants to turn his life around.
I'm not ready to give up on him.

You have two young children and it didn't work out last time. Moving in is easy but getting him to leave could be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Tough one OP. Not with my minor children, especially if it has ended badly in the past! And there could be drugs in the mid. But I would not want a relative living on the streets either. And it sounds like this is where your nephew is headed.

So I guess that your best option may be to help him find safe, affordable housing, and get himself back on his feet. If he is just out of rehab, maybe a halfway house is the next step? They should be able to help him get hooked up with social services, hold NA meeting, etc.. And once he gets settled and has been sober a while, encourage him to go to a community college part time and get a marketable skill.

Also, I would not let him take your kids on an outing until he has been sober for a while. But, still makes sure he feels like a member of the family, and invite him over to your house for dinner, or out for dinner, or on family day trips, and make sure he has someplace to go for holiday meals, and that you make a birthday cake, and celebrate, etc.

So be supportive family—absolutely. It sounds like he needs it. Have him live with you? I wouln’t— at least not when he is just out of rehab.

[Anonymous]

No way. Help him find a room somewhere and pay for it for a few months. If you live in DC area, there are so many places hiring. He should be working 1.5 times at his age. I did when I was his age and English wasn't even my first language. Part time? He is not 16.

[Anonymous]

No way. Sorry. If your cousin brings drugs into your house and the cops bust him - you and your husband could be investigated, too. Your kids could wind up temporarily with social services. Not worth the risk. Your little ones come before all else.

[Anonymous]

He should live with roommates at this age, not with cousin's young family.
Maybe offer to help with rent for 3-6 months?

[Anonymous]

I would help him find a place and help out with the rent. It might be different if you didn't have little kids, but at that age, no, I wouldn't move him in.

In addition to helping with the rent, I'd offer him a standing invitation to Sunday supper or something like that, so you can maintain a relationship with him and offer him some stability, a place he can feel comfortable coming to and people he can talk to.