What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?

[Anonymous]

No. This situation is almost always trouble. Has he ever been accused of stealing from others? If so, he will steal from you. And if he doesn't following your house rules, you'll have to kick him out and he'll be pissed and resentful which could cause a family-wide rift. I've seen this happen so many times. Plus, bringing an addicted adult man into your home to live with your young kids is too dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you all for your replies.

I feel like I should say the first time he lived with us was years ago when the oldest was a baby and we were not prepared to care for an infant and a traumatized teenager at the same time. He was running away, smoking pot, abusing otcs, stealing etc.
The legal trouble was from when he tried to defend his mother against her boyfriend at the time, again also when he was a teen.

Though we don't need the rent if he were to live with us , there is no way we can afford to rent a place for him to live.
I also don't think he would stay in a halfway house. He was in a group home as a teen and ran away twice.

His mother won't have him she's gotten herself together and "moved on with her life."

So I really feel like DH and I are all he has. He's been on and off about contact the last few years with sporadic phone calls mostly when drunk or high. We always told him we would be there for him if he wanted us to . I wonder if saying no now makes us liers. He's had no one to depend on and I hate to think we're letting him down again.

It's sad that he has had a rough life it is, but you cannot change his childhood. You also cannot put your children's childhood at risk for your cousin. You can love him but love him from a distance.

[Anonymous]

He can't move in but you can support him from a distance in other ways. You should not expose your children to his vices.

Anonymous wrote:He asked us yesterday if he could stay with us for a little while. There was no mention of what a little while mean , but he did offer to pay some in rent. He just got a job it's part-time and minimum wage, but he offered. We don't need the money, but I think this is a good sign he is serious.

Here are my concerns DH and I have two young children who are 8 and 3 years old

Cousin has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Has previously been two rehab. He is recently out of a program. He says he is attending meetings/counseling.

He has previously been in trouble with the law though charges were later dropped.

He has lived with us before and that didn't work out.

I want to help him because he's family and because in some ways he's like a child to us.
He doesn't really have anyone else. His life has been rough father, never in the picture, mother had him when he was 15, and he spent his childhood being bounced around between relatives.
He seems like he's trying hard and wants to turn his life around.
I'm not ready to give up on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just love how everyone is quick to say no because minor children are in the picture. Good excuse btw.

I would say no even if there weren't kids in the picture.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad we have found an answer to addiction in America!

The PP you quoted. Obviously, I do think there's a solution, and I don't think the situation is hopeless.

[Anonymous]

Where has he been living? Why does he want to move in with you all?

I think I would tell him to bring his Narcotics Anonymous sponsor over and you and your spouse and your cousin and his sponsor will sit at the kitchen table and have a very long and very honest talk. If he doesn't have a sponsor, then he is not committed to recovery, so no way would I even consider the idea of him moving in if he doesn't have a sponsor.

And if he does have a sponsor, just because you all have agreed to discuss this matter does not mean you have agreed to let him move in. Be honest with him and tell him that you know he needs stability in his life, but your own children do too and keeping your own children safe is your top priority.

[Anonymous]

My house has always been open for relatives who are starting their lives. However, not to someone who has drug, alchohol problem or habitual negative traits (stealing, lying). So, no to this cousin.

[Anonymous]

Not a good idea. You say he doesn't want to live in a halfway house, but tough luck. Two stints in rehab before he was 21 and you have two little kids. Don't abandon him, you can help him find housing and have him over for dinners and stuff, but I wouldn't let him live in my home.

[Anonymous]

Apparently I am the only poster who thinks you should take him in, but set clear boundaries and expectations. So maybe he needs to do eeekly drug tests, and if he fails, he’s out and/or he needs to stay employed and/or he needs to go to AA meetings, etc.

I had 2 very small kids and did this for my sister (although she had problems w mental illness). She ultimately failed to meet expectations and she had to find another place to live. The whole situation was heartbreaking, but I am glad I tried to help.

GL.

[Anonymous]

I would let him stay but he has to pay rent and do chores. If he uses once, he’s kicked out and has to go the halfway house route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just love how everyone is quick to say no because minor children are in the picture. Good excuse btw.

I would say no even if there weren't kids in the picture.

I think that I would be reluctant to invite him to stay under these circumstances, too. The suggestion of a half way house is probably the way to go for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently I am the only poster who thinks you should take him in, but set clear boundaries and expectations. So maybe he needs to do eeekly drug tests, and if he fails, he’s out and/or he needs to stay employed and/or he needs to go to AA meetings, etc.

I had 2 very small kids and did this for my sister (although she had problems w mental illness). She ultimately failed to meet expectations and she had to find another place to live. The whole situation was heartbreaking, but I am glad I tried to help.

GL.

If this guy brings drugs and even other drug users into Op's home, the consequences could be horrible for Op and her family.

[Anonymous]

There are 2 types of junkies, ones who have stolen from you, and ones who haven't stolen from you.... yet.

He will move in, continue using, and give you enough of a story that sounds reasonable every time you catch him.

You are a fool if you want to bring that drama to your house