Say something or not?

[Anonymous]

So we've learned on this board that men can take a little direct advice when it comes to their hygiene.

I'm wary of doing so, however, because
1) obviously he knows he's fat and out of shape, so me telling him that I find it unattractive is just rubbing it in? and
2) what if I still don't find him attractive if he loses the weight and gets into shape? and
3) would he really be able to do it anyway? and
4) I feel I'll be beholden to him having done something pretty big for me. That sounds lame, as we are married, but still.

[Anonymous]

#2 and #4 are the big ones, I think.

If he says that lack of sex is a problem in your marriage, and he's asking why you aren't attracted to him, then I think -- if his being fat is a big part of the problem -- that's the answer you have to give him. You can make it sound a little nicer, but you have to let him know the basics.

That said, you have to be very honest with yourself. Is his body shape the reason for your lack of attraction or is it just a convenient excuse masking something deeper, perhaps more challenging for you or the relationship?

If he gets buff and you still don't respond, he's probably out the door. (With more options now because he's in shape!)

[Anonymous]

Have you ever known him non-fat? Wouldn't you know if you like him skinny-style?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever known him non-fat? Wouldn't you know if you like him skinny-style?

Also, it's not that you'd be telling him "hey, you're fat, in case you didn't notice." You'd be telling him "Your fatness makes me unattracted to you, but I WANT to be attracted to you. The fatness is turning me off." Do you see the distinction?

[Anonymous]

We are having sex, so he hasn't asked why we aren't having sex.

I am concerned that the are deeper problems, which is why I worry that when is he loses weight I won't be attracted to him. I have known him thin, but he's mostly tended toward the heavy side throughout our relationship. But I don't remember what it is like to be really attracted to him. He'll never be buff. That's a virtual impossibility. Or at least he's never been interested in being in shape since I've been around.

I think probably our issues ARE the problem and the fat is really a convenient excuse, thank you for phrasing it that way, PP.

So, if it is just a convenient excuse, do I bother sharing it? I think no. I have to work on the other stuff.

[Anonymous]

What are the other problems and why haven't you addressed them?

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat. When we got married we were both extremely fit and the fire was H.O.T. Well, fast forward 10 years later with kids/careers/money strain...and I am still very fit, but he has let it go. I am not saying that to pat myself on the back. I had to really work at it after the kids but I wanted him to have some semblance of the woman he married. Well, he doesn't seem to feel that way at all. And, I know it sounds so surface, but I am honestly NOT attracted to him at all. I don't even know if it is that he is soft and overweight, or if it is his complete lack of drive to better himself. But, whatever it is, likely a bit of both, I just don't want to touch him, or for him to touch me.

Whenever I bring it up to him in the softest way I can, he gets VERY defensive and shuts me down. So what do we do, just suck it up? I can't do that. I feel like my sex drive is in hyperspace, and his is barely pulsing. Everyone says, be honest...communicate...but what if he just won't hear it?

[Anonymous]

It probably has little to do with his weight.
Google "women lose desire in a long term relationship"
This is a well documented phenomenon which affects women but not men. The most effective cure is to end the marriage. You will be very attracted to a new partner. Of course, this cycle will repeat itself, and you will need to find new partners every couple years. Oh well, that's just how female desire seems to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are having sex, so he hasn't asked why we aren't having sex.

I am concerned that the are deeper problems, which is why I worry that when is he loses weight I won't be attracted to him. I have known him thin, but he's mostly tended toward the heavy side throughout our relationship. But I don't remember what it is like to be really attracted to him. He'll never be buff. That's a virtual impossibility. Or at least he's never been interested in being in shape since I've been around.

I think probably our issues ARE the problem and the fat is really a convenient excuse, thank you for phrasing it that way, PP.

So, if it is just a convenient excuse, do I bother sharing it? I think no. I have to work on the other stuff.

I think you work on the other stuff. But, I also think you can work on fitness -- just don't tie it to sex. Try to be healthy just for its positive impact on your lives generally. (If it helps the sex, all the better.) I don't know what stage you are in life, but for my wife & I, it seems like having kids and then getting to our 40s both were times when we got healthier. When we had kids (late 20s/early 30s) we started eating better, mainly because -- even if we were willing to treat our own bodies like shit, we felt we owed the kids better. The infant/toddler years were also a time when we kind of used exercise as an excuse to get away from the kids. Our 40s have continued the trend, but for slightly different reasons -- now it's easier to see that we can't take our health for granted and, because the kids are teens, we have more free time to exercise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It probably has little to do with his weight.
Google "women lose desire in a long term relationship"
This is a well documented phenomenon which affects women but not men. The most effective cure is to end the marriage. You will be very attracted to a new partner. Of course, this cycle will repeat itself, and you will need to find new partners every couple years. Oh well, that's just how female desire seems to work.

I think your motivation in writing this was to be inflammatory. Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probably has little to do with his weight.
Google "women lose desire in a long term relationship"
This is a well documented phenomenon which affects women but not men. The most effective cure is to end the marriage. You will be very attracted to a new partner. Of course, this cycle will repeat itself, and you will need to find new partners every couple years. Oh well, that's just how female desire seems to work.

I think your motivation in writing this was to be inflammatory. Troll.

No, I actually think this is true, too some extent. It doesn't have to happen, but without work it will happen. Or if a trauma happens to scar the relationship.