Help me help my DD navigate frenemy

[Anonymous]

One of my DD’s friends isn’t much of a friend, yet my DD is stuck putting up with her because they have the same friends in common. I’ve tried to expand her friendship horizons, but that takes time. Sadly, my daughter spends too much time thinking about this girl, the mean things she has said, etc, essentially reliving those experiences.l. This gets her wound up and her anxiety over it just builds. I’m looking for advice on how to steer her thoughts away from this girl and, instead, to focus on happier thoughts. Any tips?

[Anonymous]

Well it’s not saying much for the friends in common if they won’t stand up for your daughter! A true test would be if these kids would do an activity with your daughter but without the other girl. Try inviting a few of them. If they decline, she unfortunately finds out the hard way that they are not loyal friends. If they accept, it gives her an opening to explain that she didn’t include X because she doesn’t like the way X says mean things to her and she’d like to spend time with other people instead.

[Anonymous]

I think PPs solution is way off. You don't know both sides of the story, or even if you do, you don't know how the other kids view both sides. Inviting kids out and excluding this girl purposefully just creates more drama. Fine to not include her because they're not close, but intentionally and to spend that time talking about her? No.

Continue to tell your daughter to expand her friend circle and if she's confident enough, to be straight with this girl and call her on things when she says them. Not in an aggressive way, but in a way that shows she won't put up with being treated like that.

[Anonymous]

How old is your DD?

[Anonymous]

She’s in 5th grade.

[Anonymous]

Help her cultivate other friends. Get her to identify kind girls in her class not currently part of that group, and think about setting up one-on-one activities with them. (You can also certainly do this with girls at other classes or schools. It won't help day-to-day at school, but it will give her a sense of being less dependent on that small group.)

If there's a mean girl in the group who doesn't like your daughter, and the other girls aren't challenging her, there's a chance your daughter will be iced out of the group. (In fact, that may be what's already happening.) She needs other people to turn to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it’s not saying much for the friends in common if they won’t stand up for your daughter! A true test would be if these kids would do an activity with your daughter but without the other girl. Try inviting a few of them. If they decline, she unfortunately finds out the hard way that they are not loyal friends. If they accept, it gives her an opening to explain that she didn’t include X because she doesn’t like the way X says mean things to her and she’d like to spend time with other people instead.

Yikes! Way to turn the dd into a mean girl. Are you a Real Housewife or something? No, this is not the solution.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say DD is afraid of losing her others friends. What she should be doing is focusing on new friends, one friendship at a time AND if the other, old friends can incorporate into the new normal, great!

[Anonymous]

She's not tethered to this group of friends

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the insights/help. The odd thing is (or maybe this is typical), this girl is also possessive of her and tells her not to be friends with girls outside the group. This girl sends conflicting messages to my daughter, so DD responds to the positive and feels compelled to accept play dates for fear that if she says no, the wrath will be worse. I am not sure that this girl actually dislikes DD, rather, but I am beginning to suspect this girl derives some enjoyment out of hurting others. But I digress...

In addition to expanding her universe, I am trying to help DD be diplomatic, assertive, etc. The other girls' reactions (or lack thereof) tend to be 1)lack of backbone despite sympathy and 2)desire to just stay out of it because the conflict is uncomfortable. Yes, in the end, she can't stick with this "group", because it's making her unhappy and she is starting to prefer to just not join rather than be subjected to it. DD is not the only one on the receiving end, but, no doubt, gets the brunt of it by far. Additional advice is welcome. The anxiety my DD has as a result is just awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the insights/help. The odd thing is (or maybe this is typical), this girl is also possessive of her and tells her not to be friends with girls outside the group. This girl sends conflicting messages to my daughter, so DD responds to the positive and feels compelled to accept play dates for fear that if she says no, the wrath will be worse. I am not sure that this girl actually dislikes DD, rather, but I am beginning to suspect this girl derives some enjoyment out of hurting others. But I digress...

In addition to expanding her universe, I am trying to help DD be diplomatic, assertive, etc. The other girls' reactions (or lack thereof) tend to be 1)lack of backbone despite sympathy and 2)desire to just stay out of it because the conflict is uncomfortable. Yes, in the end, she can't stick with this "group", because it's making her unhappy and she is starting to prefer to just not join rather than be subjected to it. DD is not the only one on the receiving end, but, no doubt, gets the brunt of it by far. Additional advice is welcome. The anxiety my DD has as a result is just awful.

The only thing I would do in your shoes is encourage her in the bolded, because her feelings are absolutely spot on. I wouldn't try to manipulate her friendship or suggest any weird sceanrio's as a pp described. I'd talk to her about how there are different kinds of friendships, and that's OK. Best friends, situational friends (which it sounds like this girl is), acquaintances, etc. I'd encourage her to stand up for herself if someone is mistreating her and to not be afraid to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Also continue to emphasize that friends are nice to each other and don't treat each other poorly. She should develop higher expectations for herself. I know that's hard to say. But she should start to be more aware of who is a real friend. As in, I have adult acquaintances that I don't trust because of various histories. I may still see them socially in groups and have fun. But I do not forget that they aren't a true friend and don't trust them again because they're nice this week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not tethered to this group of friends

Easy to say with the hindsight of adulthood. In 5th grade, it can be overwhelming. Let's save the off-the-cuff snark b/c it's not helpful.

[Anonymous]

My DD is also in 5th grade and sometimes the social complications between friends group can get out of control.

Really you cannot change another person's behavior, but you can change your reactions to it. This is true for 5th graders and for full grown women.

You can decide not to be offended, you can decide not to dwell. Its very hard but its entirely do-able, it just takes practice and more interesting diversions. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is also in 5th grade and sometimes the social complications between friends group can get out of control.

Really you cannot change another person's behavior, but you can change your reactions to it. This is true for 5th graders and for full grown women.

You can decide not to be offended, you can decide not to dwell. Its very hard but its entirely do-able, it just takes practice and more interesting diversions. Good luck.

PP makes a good point. Your DD needs to get to the point where she can dismiss the nastiness as "frenamy's drama" and move right along with nothing more than an eye roll. You might also suggest she talk to the guidance counselor as they are experts at this stuff.