talk me out of my knee-jerk response

[Anonymous]

DH and I are in therapy, but it's slow moving due to complicated schedules. One of the things that came up recently was him disclosing that he just doesn't feel any emotional connection to me. I think we are legitimately trying to work through our problems, so please, do not respond with theories about why he feels this way. It will not help.

However, I am feeling like it may be time to sleep in different rooms, i.e., no more sex, no more intimacy. Not until this gets resolved. I can't make sense of having sex, but him not wanting to spend time with me alone. I feel like it complicates things for me. In some ways, this may be a tit for tat situation - I acknowledge that.

Will this make things worse? Will it simplify? I am so hurt, and I can't see clearly whether this is a logical response, or I'm penalizing him.

[Anonymous]

This is tricky because men often need sex to feel emotionally connected and women are the opposite. Maybe you can work through that dynamic in therapy?

[Anonymous]

It will make things worse - although of course, I recommend talking to your therapist in a one-on-one session rather than take the advice of strangers.

Very generally speaking, men often connect with their spouses through sex or physical intimacy. If he is already having a hard time connecting emotionally, I don't think taking the physical connection away will make it better. I think it will look like you're detaching further.

And, that said - you absolutely have the right to your own personal boundaries. You should never feel you have to have sex if you don't want to. I think a more healthy boundary might be to stay in the same room but let him know you're not emotionally able to have sex right now, or let him know that you're still open to physical intimacy, but that needs to mean more than just sex. Again, talk to your therapist, but it doesn't seem out of line to me to request at least 3 times of cuddling a week without having sex - he gets the physical connection to "keep him in the game" and you can still have your boundary.

I'm sorry. I know it all feels very clinical and like a negotiation - "Okay, we can have sex but only if we have at least 30 minutes of cuddling a week, set a timer..." etc -- but sometimes that's what you need to do to get it back on track. Going through the emotions before you feel like it. I hope you can get the clarity you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky because men often need sex to feel emotionally connected and women are the opposite. Maybe you can work through that dynamic in therapy?

I thought about that but we can't get back to therapy for a few weeks...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will make things worse - although of course, I recommend talking to your therapist in a one-on-one session rather than take the advice of strangers.

Very generally speaking, men often connect with their spouses through sex or physical intimacy. If he is already having a hard time connecting emotionally, I don't think taking the physical connection away will make it better. I think it will look like you're detaching further.

And, that said - you absolutely have the right to your own personal boundaries. You should never feel you have to have sex if you don't want to. I think a more healthy boundary might be to stay in the same room but let him know you're not emotionally able to have sex right now, or let him know that you're still open to physical intimacy, but that needs to mean more than just sex. Again, talk to your therapist, but it doesn't seem out of line to me to request at least 3 times of cuddling a week without having sex - he gets the physical connection to "keep him in the game" and you can still have your boundary.

I'm sorry. I know it all feels very clinical and like a negotiation - "Okay, we can have sex but only if we have at least 30 minutes of cuddling a week, set a timer..." etc -- but sometimes that's what you need to do to get it back on track. Going through the emotions before you feel like it. I hope you can get the clarity you need.

Appreciate your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky because men often need sex to feel emotionally connected and women are the opposite. Maybe you can work through that dynamic in therapy?

I thought about that but we can't get back to therapy for a few weeks...

Can you do an individual session before then? If you can't, maybe consider doing one of the free week trials on Talk Space or one of the other online therapy services? I don't think they're a great replacement for in person therapy, but I think you could benefit from space to work through this faster than a few weeks from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky because men often need sex to feel emotionally connected and women are the opposite. Maybe you can work through that dynamic in therapy?

I thought about that but we can't get back to therapy for a few weeks...

Can you do an individual session before then? If you can't, maybe consider doing one of the free week trials on Talk Space or one of the other online therapy services? I don't think they're a great replacement for in person therapy, but I think you could benefit from space to work through this faster than a few weeks from now.

I do have a session with my therapist before then. I may discuss with her...

[Anonymous]

It will not help. It's you pulling away further, and will further hurt your marriage. Marriages fall apart when both people stop trying. When you feel your spouse detaching a bit, you need to lean in more and give it more effort, and they should do the same when you aren't feeling connected. If you both pull back at the same time, it's very hard to come back from that.

[Anonymous]

Best thing you can do is put your phone away and make sure each of you is "present" when you are around each other. No drifting off into cyberspace. Engage with each other, not devices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing you can do is put your phone away and make sure each of you is "present" when you are around each other. No drifting off into cyberspace. Engage with each other, not devices

I agree with this. You know, when I got divorced it used to really bother me that my XH wanted to have sex yet wouldn’t just kiss, or hold hands, or so many activities together. When we had the divorce talk I actually said to him, “why would I want to have sex with someone who doesn’t really want to hang out with me?” (We decided to mutually part ways and we are both in happy, other relationships, so we didn’t try therapy. But I get what you’re saying here.)

I don’t, however, think it’s a great idea to do what you said you want to do because it seems spiteful and vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will make things worse - although of course, I recommend talking to your therapist in a one-on-one session rather than take the advice of strangers.

Very generally speaking, men often connect with their spouses through sex or physical intimacy. If he is already having a hard time connecting emotionally, I don't think taking the physical connection away will make it better. I think it will look like you're detaching further.

And, that said - you absolutely have the right to your own personal boundaries. You should never feel you have to have sex if you don't want to. I think a more healthy boundary might be to stay in the same room but let him know you're not emotionally able to have sex right now, or let him know that you're still open to physical intimacy, but that needs to mean more than just sex. Again, talk to your therapist, but it doesn't seem out of line to me to request at least 3 times of cuddling a week without having sex - he gets the physical connection to "keep him in the game" and you can still have your boundary.

I'm sorry. I know it all feels very clinical and like a negotiation - "Okay, we can have sex but only if we have at least 30 minutes of cuddling a week, set a timer..." etc -- but sometimes that's what you need to do to get it back on track. Going through the emotions before you feel like it. I hope you can get the clarity you need.

I think this is all excellent advice. I understand your impulses OP, but I also think it would do more damage to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing you can do is put your phone away and make sure each of you is "present" when you are around each other. No drifting off into cyberspace. Engage with each other, not devices

I agree with this. You know, when I got divorced it used to really bother me that my XH wanted to have sex yet wouldn’t just kiss, or hold hands, or so many activities together. When we had the divorce talk I actually said to him, “why would I want to have sex with someone who doesn’t really want to hang out with me?” (We decided to mutually part ways and we are both in happy, other relationships, so we didn’t try therapy. But I get what you’re saying here.)

I don’t, however, think it’s a great idea to do what you said you want to do because it seems spiteful and vindictive.

OP here - may I ask why you didn't try therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing you can do is put your phone away and make sure each of you is "present" when you are around each other. No drifting off into cyberspace. Engage with each other, not devices

I agree with this. You know, when I got divorced it used to really bother me that my XH wanted to have sex yet wouldn’t just kiss, or hold hands, or so many activities together. When we had the divorce talk I actually said to him, “why would I want to have sex with someone who doesn’t really want to hang out with me?” (We decided to mutually part ways and we are both in happy, other relationships, so we didn’t try therapy. But I get what you’re saying here.)

I don’t, however, think it’s a great idea to do what you said you want to do because it seems spiteful and vindictive.

OP here - may I ask why you didn't try therapy?

Neither of us really wanted to. It was easier for us to split because we didn’t have kids, kept separate accounts and could each support ourselves. . I don’t think therapy would have fixed us anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky because men often need sex to feel emotionally connected and women are the opposite. Maybe you can work through that dynamic in therapy?

+1

Was it his intent to hurt you or to be honest because he wants to get the emotional connection back? I think you are penalizing him because you feel that you are more invested. It’s like being the first person when dating to say I love you and the other person doesn’t feel the same way in the moment. If they don’t say it back, yes it hurrts, but it can be counter productive to pull back. Also, just because they don’t feel the same at the moment, it doesn’t mean the person will never be in love with you. And if someone lies to spare your feelings on something that important, it can be 100 times worse down the road when they break up with you out of nowhere because they weren’t being honest all along.

If you need to feel emotionally connected to have sex, were you getting that before but oblivious to how he felt? If so it’s like being the first to say I love you, keep the faith that he will get there and that he wants to get there with you while you are waiting for the next counseling session. If you weren’t feeling emotionally connected either then really you were both feeling the same thing but he was honest about it first. In between the counseling sessions think about what things make you feel more connected and talk you your DH. While you may not know what he might be thinking and may not be able to coach him, you should know your own thoughts and what makes you feel closer.. If you aren’t sure how to communicate it, see if you can meet with the counselor alone for suggestions.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if a brief separation might make things clearer, perhaps bring a new perspective into light? Sometimes it takes almost losing what you have to appreciate what you have.