Parental Involvement in College Decision Process

[Anonymous]

I'm a few years old from the point where my kids start looking at colleges but occasionally happen across the college forum and have been shocked at the level of parental involvement/control of the college application and decision process, whereby the actual students (essentially adults) often seem to be little more than passive participants. (I'm thinking for example of the recent "what top schools woul you not send your child to" post, but the are numerous others.)

I was in a way lucky, I suppose, to be in a position where my parents were unable to contribute financially, making me eligible for almost 100% financial aid, while also free to make my own decisions. However although we plan to (hopefully fully) fund our children's college education, I can't imagine dictating to my adult children where they can or can't go to school , other than specifying the limit we can contribute financially.

I guess my question is, what level of involvement do you have/plan to have in the application/decision process for your children's college education and why?

[Anonymous]

Our kids have a trust for education but I would not, for example, allow them to go to a military academy or a school well known for partying. You want my support? You follow my rules. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

I will be looking for cost and do they have the major my child wants to be in. Have no issues with things like a military academy or party school as school is what you make of it and I'd expect my child to be responsible if they want me to continue to fund it.

[Anonymous]

At $70k/year? Damn right i’m Involved.

[Anonymous]

We let our DC drive the entire process. Neither one of them chose schools that I would have but they were both academically excellent so whatever. Our feeling was that if we pushed them towards a school that they weren't that interested in we were basically giving them an excuse to hate that school and underperform.

[Anonymous]

Why would I encourage my DD to attend a small school (RPI) filled with jerk males just because she could get 20k discount over the large research 1 school that has far more opportunities and support for her major? I’m not picking her school, I’m just encouraging her to think through all the ramifications of her choices. In reality, I let her pick the school she wanted (the research U) verses the small, mostly male non jerk (ga tech) school I wanted her to pick. Sometimes things look great on paper but after meeting people and asking more questions you realize that the fit that works for others won’t work for you. When you hear parents declare an absolute it’s usually not their choice to make. A rich parent is an opinionated parent. Poor? Sometimes theyre just more hopeful than helpful.

[Anonymous]

One thing you may notice as your kids hit junior year of HS, is that they don’t have a helluva lot of time to research colleges, given all the other things they are doing. Basically, I researched to develop a long short list based on my kid’s specifications/interests and I made sure it included a range of different environments and levels of selectivity. We talked through them all and she crossed out any she wasn’t interested in and told me which she definitely wanted to visit. I then handled logistics, including a few schools that didn’t make either list (i.e. NO or YES) but were located near or between YES schools. I also decided (more for self-preservation than anything else) that we wouldn’t do more than one school per day.

I also explained the morass of early options and what difference they make, proposed a kind of two-step process (with how many schools she’d apply to determined by what happened in the early round), and talked through timing of standardized tests. 529 was fully funded, so the only financial discussion was that it cost didn’t have to be a voting issue. DD did all the work of applying (and her school had a structure that kept her on task and on time) and chose where to apply early, as well as to commit to her EA school and forego other other apps.

I guess I looked at it as an informed consent scenario — i.e. my job was to put her in a position to make a rational, well-informed choice.

[Anonymous]

It’s crazy to me, too, OP. 25 Years ago I researched and researched, of course using books. My parents had minimal involvement in the process. Kids have so many resources at their fingertips these days, why would I do their job for them? Of course I’ll provide guidance and support and certain expectations, but it is really their decision and their job to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

I was lucky and had a trust for college. The rule was that I got anything that was left - for grad school, a car, whatever. It gave me an interesting set of variables to weigh.

My parents treated it as my first adult decision, but they spent a lot of time encouraging me to explore lots of options and be (somewhat ridiculously) thorough in my search. I thought they handled it really well, and I learned a lot from the process about how to think through big decisions.

[Anonymous]

OP I was just like you in that my parents didn't pay anything for my college and were not at all involved except to drop me off and pick me up freshman year (I think I got rides after that). I worked three jobs to make ends meet and wished I had parents who could have helped me more but I had many younger siblings and they just couldn't.

Fast forward to now and I have one in college and one getting ready. We pay full tuition and are very involved in our childrens' lives and decisions and we give them a lot of support both financially and otherwise. I toured and discussed many colleges with my oldest before she decided on her own path but I'm sure my influence was strong and helped her see some of the strengths and weaknesses of the places we visited. I would never make her attend a school she didn't like but since I know her better than almost anyone I am pretty qualified to help her find a good fit. She was happy for the support and is thrilled with her choice. Now that she's away at school we talk to her once a week and text a few times in between but don't control her every move because we know she's in a place where she can thrive.

Parental involvement can be a good thing when it's healthy.

[Anonymous]

The desire for parents to control their offspring has almost no bounds! It's not a surprise that many parents say, "My money, my rules." There are parents who refuse to accept their children's choice of careers or spouses too. One of the hallmarks of adulthood is navigating the line between living your own life and staying close to your family. But, it isn't always easy/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The desire for parents to control their offspring has almost no bounds! It's not a surprise that many parents say, "My money, my rules." There are parents who refuse to accept their children's choice of careers or spouses too. One of the hallmarks of adulthood is navigating the line between living your own life and staying close to your family. But, it isn't always easy/

You are talking about teenagers, not adults.

[Anonymous]

My 17yo is not going to make a $200k+ decision without my involvement. I worked very hard to earn and save that money.

The ultimate decision will be his, but we will do the search together.

[Anonymous]

Because you're so ignorant that you can't imagine a high schooler being even the slightest bit tuned out, un-interested, or overwhelmed from the logistics and organization it takes to apply.

It's not like your generation's college applications, OP. This is some serious complex shit nowadays. You'll believe me when you get there. Even if your teen is perfect and super-involved. Also, I hate generalizing, but boys tend to be statistically less involved in their college apps than girls - they're still slightly lagging in maturity and multi-tasking skills at that age.

[Anonymous]

DC did the search. We are simply writing the check. We raised DC to be able to make decisions and saved for every option (prepaid instate, prepaid private, none of the above).