Help with Challenging Tween

[Anonymous]

We are very upset about our tween's behavior lately. She was always sweet and a good listener. She did always have a strong personality. We have tried to be calm and firm. She doesn't listen. She takes things from her siblings, she is mean to us and she has been rude overall. We have taken away privileges and she just doesn't care. Then she just starts fighting us and saying she hates us. We are so upset because we have showed so much love and support throughout the years. Is this hormones? We want it to change soon. It is affecting her siblings and the rest of the family dynamic. We have talked to her, prayed together and given consequences. We have been consistent always as parents. We have spent time alone with her. I don't know what else to do.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her. Ask her why she is doing the things she is doing. Find out if something is going on at school or with her friends.

Listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are very upset about our tween's behavior lately. She was always sweet and a good listener. She did always have a strong personality. We have tried to be calm and firm. She doesn't listen. She takes things from her siblings, she is mean to us and she has been rude overall. We have taken away privileges and she just doesn't care. Then she just starts fighting us and saying she hates us. We are so upset because we have showed so much love and support throughout the years. Is this hormones? We want it to change soon. It is affecting her siblings and the rest of the family dynamic. We have talked to her, prayed together and given consequences. We have been consistent always as parents. We have spent time alone with her. I don't know what else to do.

The more you try to change her, the more she'll resist. It sounds like you want a Christian sweet compliant daughter but she's rebelling against your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Your OP is too general.

[Anonymous]

1. It's your job to love your children unconditionally.

2. It's their job to be respectful but also find their own identity. The two will clash at some point. The way you handle it will affect their growth into adulthood and how they choose to parent their own child.

3. Keep it simple. Announce a few simple rules, then enforce them consistently, not intermittently.

[Anonymous]

OP, read UNTANGLED--a great book about the emotional lives of tween/teen girls. The author notes that intense emotions are characteristic of this age period--when the feeling centers of the brain are in overdrive and the reasoning brain is still developing.

The "not caring" thing? That's what teens do to offload their intense feelings. It's as if she's tired of being upset, so she creates a scenario where you will be upset instead.

I know this is not exactly what you want to hear, but it sounds like you are doing many of the right things: staying calm, maintaining clear expectations. Those are essential. It does sound, though, like your DD does not feel heard. So I would echo an earlier poster: rather than talking to her, practice active listening and (above all) validation. Tweens need to know that the people around them can accept their big emotions--and offer nonjudgmental support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are very upset about our tween's behavior lately. She was always sweet and a good listener. She did always have a strong personality. We have tried to be calm and firm. She doesn't listen. She takes things from her siblings, she is mean to us and she has been rude overall. We have taken away privileges and she just doesn't care. Then she just starts fighting us and saying she hates us. We are so upset because we have showed so much love and support throughout the years. Is this hormones? We want it to change soon. It is affecting her siblings and the rest of the family dynamic. We have talked to her, prayed together and given consequences. We have been consistent always as parents. We have spent time alone with her. I don't know what else to do.

The more you try to change her, the more she'll resist. It sounds like you want a Christian sweet compliant daughter but she's rebelling against your expectations.

NP. How on earth did you come to any of these conclusions from OP.

[Anonymous]

What are the consequences? How consistent are you in applying them?

[Anonymous]

NP here and was just going to recommend Untangled--but I'm pleased to see another PP has recommended it.


Also, please read, "yes, your teen is crazy!" (fun and very informative read)

These two books together have really helped my now 13 and 15 y.o. DDs--by helping ME learn how to deal with them. The strategy changes from when they were younger. What worked then may backfire with tween/teens. I was inadvertently making my older one worse.

OP, I cannot imagine how rough my life would be now had I not read these books. the "yes...crazy" book was recommended by DCUM after a particularly hellish experience with my then 13 y.o. Thank you DCUM. Untangled was recommended by a friend; but glad it's made it to DCUM as well.

[Anonymous]

They are very self centered. A snippet from today.
I: - Looks like I am sick. You are sick, dad is sick and now I am sick.
DD: - So it's my fault that you are sick?

I love how they jump to conclusions. Get her to say stuff, you might be able to figure out why "she hates you" or doing other things. It will be logical, but the logical steps will amaze you.

[Anonymous]

Hi I will buy UNTANGLED today. Thanks for the recommendation! Can you please tell me a brief synopsis of book and how we should handle our tween she that act out this way??

[Anonymous]

My once sweet and easygoing daughter’s personality completely changed last spring. She became rude and closed in and generally unpleasant. It turns out she was being bullied (mostly exclusion) at her school. We pulled her out a few weeks ago to go to a new school and overnight she went back to being easygoing, kind, funny and her regular self.

We started seeing a therapist in September and after one meeting she recommended a change of school environment. Within two weeks we had her out of her old school. Best thing we ever did.

In the past few weeks we have found out that the girls in her class have been cyberfullying other kids and worse. My daughter isn’t on social media and had no clue about it because of that and because no one ever talked to her. Talk about silver lining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are very self centered. A snippet from today.
I: - Looks like I am sick. You are sick, dad is sick and now I am sick.
DD: - So it's my fault that you are sick?

I love how they jump to conclusions. Get her to say stuff, you might be able to figure out why "she hates you" or doing other things. It will be logical, but the logical steps will amaze you.

This is an odd example. It sounds like you were saying DD got sick, DH got sick and then you got sick. It does sound like you're saying you caught something from them? What did you think your DD should have said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her. Ask her why she is doing the things she is doing. Find out if something is going on at school or with her friends.

Listen.

Wow, if only life and kids were this simple....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are very self centered. A snippet from today.
I: - Looks like I am sick. You are sick, dad is sick and now I am sick.
DD: - So it's my fault that you are sick?

I love how they jump to conclusions. Get her to say stuff, you might be able to figure out why "she hates you" or doing other things. It will be logical, but the logical steps will amaze you.

This is an odd example. It sounds like you were saying DD got sick, DH got sick and then you got sick. It does sound like you're saying you caught something from them? What did you think your DD should have said?

I probably did catch it from them but it's not their fault which I had to remind my DD. There is no one to blame, nobody is at fault, it's just the season is here. Teenagers often interpret words as an attack when it's a simple statement. Luckily, my kids get sarcasm, which I am very thankful for. Some of their friends don't and it is a challenge.