Dump him or wait and see?
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Anonymous
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Early thirties, divorced mom of two, dating mid-thirties man, never married, no kids. Have been dating exclusively for a few months and everything is going great, except...
He's recently been discussing his fears and concerns with me. Specifically, that he had always envisioned himself marrying and having children with someone who, like him, had not done these things before. He tells me he loves me but that it's a lot to take on (being with a divorced woman with children). For my part, I'm not looking to remarry right now. However, I ultimately would like to remarry. Am I wasting my time with this guy? |
Anonymous
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He's being honest with you. If you're not looking to remarry soon, then give it some time and have more conversations. If you're not interested in more kids, or you actually are thinking you'd like to remarry sooner rather than later, then I would break up.
Here's why: I would have to be head over heels with a single parent before I would make that permanent. The longer you date, the more real it becomes that there's an ex out there who will always be in your lives, that your schedule is somewhat determined by that ex's schedule with the children, that the money in the household can never be fully combined because some is already committed to the pre-existing family, that you will never be a family "unit" in the same way the older children experienced. For some people, none of that is a big concern. Those people don't usually say things like, "he had always envisioned himself marrying and having children with someone who, like him, had not done these things before. He tells me he loves me but that it's a lot to take on (being with a divorced woman with children)." They just take it on and roll with it. I think he's telling you he might be pulling away. Whether you want to relax and find out is up to you and your timeline. |
Anonymous
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He told you how he felt.
You should assume that he sugar-coated it a bit to avoid hurting your feelings and prompting you to dump him immediately (aka stop having sex with him). Thus, he probably meant to say, "You're cool and all and I love sleeping with you for now, but there's zero chance I'm marrying you and taking on your baggage. I'm just here until something better comes along (read: younger, never married and childless)." |
Anonymous
| Break up. |
Anonymous
| An honest guy - how do you deal with that? You are the only one who can figure out if he wants out or if he's just being open about his concerns. |
Anonymous
| I remember saying the same things when I was dating a divorced dad of two. And eventually I came to terms with his history and we got married. I think this is a normal, honest response of a childless, never married person to dating a divorced parent. It could mean he wants to break up, or it could mean that he’s giving serious thought to a future with you. But I definitely don’t think it’s clearly definitive one way or the other. |
Anonymous
| Dump him for being honest with you? |
Anonymous
| OP here. To respond to some PPs - part of why this is coming up is because he says he's never before felt the way he feels with me. He's told me he wants to marry me and have a child with me. We're making plans for the future (out of town trip for NYE, for example) and he's talked about introducing me to his family. This is why I'm having a hard time knowing what to do. |
Anonymous
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I'd throw him back. I'm a 41 year old childless woman and I am just now starting to date divorced dads. No way would I have in my mid thirties. He can find someone without kids (assuming he is educated, employed, and under 250 pounds) and probably realizes that.
If you want to have someone to have sex with that's not leading to marriage, that's a different story. But don't date him with the hopes he will marry you. |
Anonymous
Just take it slow and easy and don't put pressure on him. Let him move at his pace given it sounds like he's moving in a good direction. |
Anonymous
| He told you he wants to marry you and have a child with you.... but you haven't met his parents yet? LOL! This is so typical dude behavior. Trust me he doesn't REALLY mean it, that's what they all say. |
Anonymous
PP here, in conclusion- continue to date other people. |
Anonymous
It’s really up to you. I don’t think a few months is that long. For me, that’s long enough to know I don’t want to date other people right then and want to focus. Its enough time to tell if there is chemistry. It’s not enough time to know if his talk of the future will equal action. It’s not enough time for me to know if we are truly compatible. So personally, I would give it more time, but re-evaluate in six months. That’s no different to me than if I met a guy that was also divorced or was ambivalent about dating a woman with kids ...at some point you both have to decide on that person specifically and how well you match. You are learning more the longer you are in the relationship and at any point you can decide he isn’t for me or vice versa. At some point if he sees this as “taking on baggage”and not as enhancing his life or that part of your life making who you are to be a match with him ...well then you know what to do. |
Anonymous
| Date someone who has kids like you. |
Anonymous
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Has he met your kids? How is he with them? How woukd your kids feel about you marrying this man amd having s kid with him?
Based on what you have said, it seems like he wants a fairy tale: get married, have kids, etc. Which is nice. But you already have two kids... I would want him to get to know them and have them accept him before any talk of any more... |