Mil calling my toddler a Momma’s boy

[Anonymous]

I have two boys. My oldest is 6 and my youngest is 2. My MIL watched my oldest son for a few months when he was little and thus he is more attached to her. When my oldest son is around her he treats her like she is Queen Grandmother. He even cries sometimes when he has to leave her house after an overnight visit. Of course she eats this up, who wouldn’t. But instead of making a clean break when we are leaving she keeps going over to him and making him even more upset even after he has calmed down. Most recently the shoe was on the other foot. MiL met up with us and eldest son treated her like he treats DH and I and refused to say hello and give her a hug. Of course we corrected his behavior and asked that he give her a hug but after that she was so upset with him that even when we were leaving she mentioned it again when he hugged her goodbye.
This really upset me and I could telll that my eldest was a little hurt that she was still holding on to it.


Conversely, when DH and I go to pick our boys up, the youngest runs to us with hugs while the eldest will basically ignore us. This has gone on for like ever. Both DH and I engage him and tell him it’s wrong since he shuts us out, MIL will speak up and say “it’s okay just leave him alone”. My eldest son sees and hears this dynamic and thinks it’s quite okay for him to be disrespectful to DH and I.
My younger son is much more attached to me and because he comes running to greet us (and he doesn’t cry when he leaves her) she calls him a “momma’s boy”. This bothers me because she’s his grandmother and thus should’nt call him names and because I’ve never known the term to be positive.
A few days ago she visited and my youngest fell on his face in the kitchen. We were both in the kitchen but she was closest to him. She told me “I’ve got him and she reached down to pick him up. Since I was standing right there he reached out towards me and she literally ran away with him into another room. He began to cry for me and of course I followed to see if he was okay. He reached for me and of course I took him and she called him a “momma’s Boy” again. Should I speak up about this? I think what she is looking for is a “grandma’s boy” and it really bugs her that my youngest isn’t quite taken with her as my eldest (although they both lover her)
Is this something I should address or just leave alone? By the way, MIL and I get along fine and I have no trouble saying something to her. I don’t however want to say something if there is a consensus that she’s really doing nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Can DH have a little chat with her? Ask her to chill it with the momma’s boy business and stop ruling up your older kid at departures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can DH have a little chat with her? Ask her to chill it with the momma’s boy business and stop ruling up your older kid at departures.

It really has to come from me. DH isn’t as worked up about it because of his personality and also because he comes from a culture where you don’t necessarily question your parents. If he says something they will know I sent him and it will really hurt my relationship with MIL.

[Anonymous]

I would say something right when she says it.
MIL: <mama's boy comment>
You: MIL, enough. I don't like the 'mama's boy' comments and you don't need to be calling Larlo names or saying those things.

If she does it again: Seriously MIL? Stop. It's disrespectful.

I could see my MIL doing this but not maliciously. She would stop the first time if I asked her to. Just depends on what kind of MIL you have. We let my MIL get away with some mild/moderate boundary crossing for awhile but once I decided I had enough we came down hard. Most of it came from my DH even when he didn't necessarily agree with me 100%. The last time she went over the line I addressed it immediately and she has retreated considerably since. Fine by me, I think it's unfortunate she can't figure out where the line is but we have gone over this stuff time and time again. I'm over it.

[Anonymous]

Well, is he a mama's boy? My oldest certainly is. And he is an adult. He played football all the way through high school. He went to college across the country. He is a combat vet on his way back overseas for his third tour. And he is still very much a mama's boy.

I agree that making your older child feel bad is shitty. But there is nothing at all wrong with being a mama's boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, is he a mama's boy? My oldest certainly is. And he is an adult. He played football all the way through high school. He went to college across the country. He is a combat vet on his way back overseas for his third tour. And he is still very much a mama's boy.

I agree that making your older child feel bad is shitty. But there is nothing at all wrong with being a mama's boy.[/quote]

What does his wife think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, is he a mama's boy? My oldest certainly is. And he is an adult. He played football all the way through high school. He went to college across the country. He is a combat vet on his way back overseas for his third tour. And he is still very much a mama's boy.

I agree that making your older child feel bad is shitty. But there is nothing at all wrong with being a mama's boy.

Op here, I guess I consider it a negative thing to call my 2 year old that. He’s two and yes he’s attached to me. But I stay at home with him and besides the occasional visit to our parents he’s never left with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say something right when she says it.
MIL: <mama's boy comment>
You: MIL, enough. I don't like the 'mama's boy' comments and you don't need to be calling Larlo names or saying those things.

If she does it again: Seriously MIL? Stop. It's disrespectful.

I could see my MIL doing this but not maliciously. She would stop the first time if I asked her to. Just depends on what kind of MIL you have. We let my MIL get away with some mild/moderate boundary crossing for awhile but once I decided I had enough we came down hard. Most of it came from my DH even when he didn't necessarily agree with me 100%. The last time she went over the line I addressed it immediately and she has retreated considerably since. Fine by me, I think it's unfortunate she can't figure out where the line is but we have gone over this stuff time and time again. I'm over it.

Op here, thanks for the feedback. I don’t think it’s being said to be malicious rather than she feels one upped because my second son doesn’t fawn over her like my first does. I think it’s not coming from the best place though.

[Anonymous]

Trust your instincts and shut this down. Who runs off with a crying child when he’s reaching for his mother and then calls him a name?

The previous poster gave you the language. Use it. Keep it simple and just repeat it. You don’t have to justify it other than you don’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, is he a mama's boy? My oldest certainly is. And he is an adult. He played football all the way through high school. He went to college across the country. He is a combat vet on his way back overseas for his third tour. And he is still very much a mama's boy.

I agree that making your older child feel bad is shitty. But there is nothing at all wrong with being a mama's boy.

Op here, I guess I consider it a negative thing to call my 2 year old that. He’s two and yes he’s attached to me. But I stay at home with him and besides the occasional visit to our parents he’s never left with anyone else.

I stayed at home with all five of mine, OP. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your two year old being a mama's boy. It's great that he is attached to you. As I said, my oldest is and always has been a mama's boy. His best man even made a joke about it at the wedding. My second (we have five) is the opposite. He loves me. We have a great relationship. But no one would consider him a mama's boy.

I do agree that your MIL shouldn't make your oldest feel bad. That's completely unacceptable. But I wouldn't make a big deal about the mama's boy comment. If she says it again, you could always come back with "I hope they are both mama's boys".

[Anonymous]

That would bother me too, op. Next time she says it, in the moment right when it happens I'd calmly but firmly say "mil, I know you don't mean any harm by it but I really dislike the term mamas boy and would like you not to call 2yo son that." If she acts hurt about a slight from older son again id maybe talk to her about it later, when older son isn't around and say "I know you two are very close and that's wonderful but as much as he loves you, sometimes he's just not in the mood to be so affectionate. That's normal. Please don't let it hurt your feelings and don't make him feel guilty about it." I've had to say something similar to my dad who is overly sensitive and gets his feelings hurt when my son doesn't seem excited to see him. When adults act that way, it typically makes the kid even less likely to want to see them.

[Anonymous]

I would probably have my kids spend less time with her. If she wants to play power games, let her play and lose. You're the parent - she's just extended family. I'm a mother of only boys, so it is likely I will have DILs some day. I can in no way imagine trying to assert dominance (vis-a-vis the mother) in a grandchild's life this way. In any case, you are certainly not out of line saying something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys. My oldest is 6 and my youngest is 2. My MIL watched my oldest son for a few months when he was little and thus he is more attached to her. When my oldest son is around her he treats her like she is Queen Grandmother. He even cries sometimes when he has to leave her house after an overnight visit. Of course she eats this up, who wouldn’t. But instead of making a clean break when we are leaving she keeps going over to him and making him even more upset even after he has calmed down. Most recently the shoe was on the other foot. MiL met up with us and eldest son treated her like he treats DH and I and refused to say hello and give her a hug. Of course we corrected his behavior and asked that he give her a hug but after that she was so upset with him that even when we were leaving she mentioned it again when he hugged her goodbye.
This really upset me and I could telll that my eldest was a little hurt that she was still holding on to it.


Conversely, when DH and I go to pick our boys up, the youngest runs to us with hugs while the eldest will basically ignore us. This has gone on for like ever. Both DH and I engage him and tell him it’s wrong since he shuts us out, MIL will speak up and say “it’s okay just leave him alone”. My eldest son sees and hears this dynamic and thinks it’s quite okay for him to be disrespectful to DH and I.
My younger son is much more attached to me and because he comes running to greet us (and he doesn’t cry when he leaves her) she calls him a “momma’s boy”. This bothers me because she’s his grandmother and thus should’nt call him names and because I’ve never known the term to be positive.
A few days ago she visited and my youngest fell on his face in the kitchen. We were both in the kitchen but she was closest to him. She told me “I’ve got him and she reached down to pick him up. Since I was standing right there he reached out towards me and she literally ran away with him into another room. He began to cry for me and of course I followed to see if he was okay. He reached for me and of course I took him and she called him a “momma’s Boy” again. Should I speak up about this? I think what she is looking for is a “grandma’s boy” and it really bugs her that my youngest isn’t quite taken with her as my eldest (although they both lover her)
Is this something I should address or just leave alone? By the way, MIL and I get along fine and I have no trouble saying something to her. I don’t however want to say something if there is a consensus that she’s really doing nothing wrong.

Op,

I think you and your MIL are more similar than you like to admit. You may not call your sons a "mama's boy or Grandma's boy" but you both force the boys to hug when they don't feel like it. ( see bolded) YOur MIL was correct when she said "just leave him alone" My question to you is how would feel if someone forced you to hug them and told you that you were being disrespectful because you didn't?

Personally, I would work on myself before I would tell MIL anything.

[Anonymous]

If anything she says bothers you, use your words: "What you just said is inappropriate - don't say it again."
Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys. My oldest is 6 and my youngest is 2. My MIL watched my oldest son for a few months when he was little and thus he is more attached to her. When my oldest son is around her he treats her like she is Queen Grandmother. He even cries sometimes when he has to leave her house after an overnight visit. Of course she eats this up, who wouldn’t. But instead of making a clean break when we are leaving she keeps going over to him and making him even more upset even after he has calmed down. Most recently the shoe was on the other foot. MiL met up with us and eldest son treated her like he treats DH and I and refused to say hello and give her a hug. Of course we corrected his behavior and asked that he give her a hug but after that she was so upset with him that even when we were leaving she mentioned it again when he hugged her goodbye.
This really upset me and I could telll that my eldest was a little hurt that she was still holding on to it.


Conversely, when DH and I go to pick our boys up, the youngest runs to us with hugs while the eldest will basically ignore us. This has gone on for like ever. Both DH and I engage him and tell him it’s wrong since he shuts us out, MIL will speak up and say “it’s okay just leave him alone”. My eldest son sees and hears this dynamic and thinks it’s quite okay for him to be disrespectful to DH and I.
My younger son is much more attached to me and because he comes running to greet us (and he doesn’t cry when he leaves her) she calls him a “momma’s boy”. This bothers me because she’s his grandmother and thus should’nt call him names and because I’ve never known the term to be positive.
A few days ago she visited and my youngest fell on his face in the kitchen. We were both in the kitchen but she was closest to him. She told me “I’ve got him and she reached down to pick him up. Since I was standing right there he reached out towards me and she literally ran away with him into another room. He began to cry for me and of course I followed to see if he was okay. He reached for me and of course I took him and she called him a “momma’s Boy” again. Should I speak up about this? I think what she is looking for is a “grandma’s boy” and it really bugs her that my youngest isn’t quite taken with her as my eldest (although they both lover her)
Is this something I should address or just leave alone? By the way, MIL and I get along fine and I have no trouble saying something to her. I don’t however want to say something if there is a consensus that she’s really doing nothing wrong.

Op,

I think you and your MIL are more similar than you like to admit. You may not call your sons a "mama's boy or Grandma's boy" but you both force the boys to hug when they don't feel like it. ( see bolded) YOur MIL was correct when she said "just leave him alone" My question to you is how would feel if someone forced you to hug them and told you that you were being disrespectful because you didn't?

Personally, I would work on myself before I would tell MIL anything.

Op here, I certainly know to get the plank out of my own eye before getting the speck out of someone else’s. I am simply inquiring how to handle the current situation at hand. We ALL could work on ourselves as no one is perfect. And yes MIL and I do share similar qualities otherwise. However, I stand by having my children address the adults in their lives with respect unless said adult has done something that would deem them unworthy of respect. That is not the case here.