Helping middle school DS accept and embrace who he is.
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Anonymous
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This (long) post is about getting my middle school DS (anxiety and OCD) to accept that he isn't going to be invited to mainstream parties/social gatherings like he was when younger and everyone was included. He is obsessed with trying to hang out with the "cool" and athletic kids, some of whom he was friendly with at a younger age, but not anymore because they find him "annoying", in their words. These "cool" kids are really not his tribe as he has completely different interests, but he doesn't get and/or accept that yet. They host parties and/or attend parties or other events and unfortunately, DS sees it all play out on Instagram (which I regret letting him have this year.) We've suggested/challenged him to delete the app, but he has resisted. I hate social media, and middle school sucks in general, but that's another rant.
How do you get your kid to understand that everyone gets left out sometimes and that it truly does suck and is sad, but annoying peers on social media won't get you desired results. Sometimes, you have to move on and look for new friends (easier said than done)? As an example, I've seen my son text someone as follows, "Hey Larlo, wanna hang out tomorrow night? Oh, right you're going to the party that I wasn't invited to." He'll send other texts like this that would annoy anyone, even his true friends, which I'd hate him to lose. I've tried telling DS that some of these kids just aren't his friends anymore (it's confusing to him because they may ride the same bus and/or live nearby), but that he can still be friendly when he sees them. I've suggested that he reach out to some of the "non-cool" kids who are really more his tribe -- maybe invite them over for pizza or a movie. However, he just gets angry and tunes me out. It's also sad because every time he's not invited to something that some of his friends are invited to, he acts out towards us and family. We try to plan outings in advance of a party or event that he isn't invited to, but that's an avoidance tactic that doesn't address the issue. In short, this is about getting DS to understand and embrace who he is meant to be, versus who he still wants to be. I fear that being rejected may be the only way he'll learn, which makes me sad. Any advice is appreciated. |
Anonymous
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Is your child working with a therapist for his anxiety and OCD?
If so, I'd share this concern with the therapist and have them work through friendship issues with him. I think the lessons you want him to learn are really important, but probably not easiest or best to come from his parent. |
Anonymous
| Op here. We saw a therapist for many months until it became unproductive (DS wasn't sharing anything in the sessions). We recently went back for a "check-in" and covered some issues, and DS is on medication. I really think a social skills group would help, but we've never been able to get him there without major resistance. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. My child's therapist can say the same things we say and get results from our child that we would not get. |
Anonymous
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I'm my god, op, I could have written your post almost word for word. We are currently struggling too.
Try to approach things from the positive. He doesn't need to accept that he won't be popular--he needs to find his own way of finding his niche. Fostering his interests and ways to find friends who appreciate him--they're out there. |
Anonymous
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My kid does't have any diagnosis, so that isn't necessary for this to happen. He went through this friendship culling process when middle school started. It was hard and very painful. I encouraged him to join clubs that would help him find kids with similar interests. We continued to support his efforts in a sport that isn't at school.
He developed his current group of good friends through a school club. They spend some time on line together too, and I really prefer that to the party scene of the so-called "cool kids" anyway. But I do think you should delete Instagram for now because if he is so focused on what he is not doing, he might not get a chance to enjoy what he is doing. |
Anonymous
I would try a different therapist. He might click better with someone else. Sometimes kids don't want to be seen as different so there will be push back on doing things meant to help them. Maybe try an incentive for a social skills class? |
Anonymous
| How about being direct? Let him know that at this age kids split off into groups and it can take a while to settle into your own group. |
Anonymous
We've told him that, but his obsessiveness takes him right back to the same place. Don't mean to be dismissive as I appreciate the suggestions. |
Anonymous
Even if that's the case, if he's not being invited to parties, you don't really need to explain to him why. If he's assuming people are his friends, does he try to hang with them or invite them places? If he does and he gets rejected, you don't need to explain why. He may be naive or unwilling to accept that these kids aren't his friends. Focus on what he likes--can he be involved in sports or clubs that he has an interest in? |
Anonymous
That's the sort of thing a therapist can help with so I'd try a different therapist who specializes in OCD. The Behavior Therapy Center http://www.behaviortherapycenter.com/ is the leading practice for OCD in our area. If you can't get him to therapy, you can try doing it yourself with a book like John March's "Talking Back to OCD: The Program That Helps Kids and Teens Say "No Way" -- and Parents Say Way to Go" |
Anonymous
| OP, I have no advice as my child is younger but I hope things are going better for your child. Your post made me cry. What he's going through sounds really hard and not something that is easily addressed because it's not a "skill" that can be taught or an accommodations or something like that. |
Anonymous
With OCD, it is actually a skill. Using CBT, you learn how to ignore the obsessions that pop into your mind. If you ignore them, they get weaker. Very effective by itself or combined with medication. |
Anonymous
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Find the right therapist and meds if needed. He has to learn to manage the obsessiveness and either get off instragram or only use it sparingly. Otherwise things with spiral downward without the right help. Nobody wants a guilt trip via text. He also needs to learn that he is just as exclusive as they are if he isn't open to kids he doesn't deem cool.
Once he is getting the right therapy and possibly meds, it will be easier to get him focused on activities where he can find his tribe. |
Anonymous
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OP, Is it that he thinks the other kids who might be better friends aren't cool or just that he's used to his old friends?
Could be an important distinction. |