Helping middle school DS accept and embrace who he is.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to let you know that my son is having a very similar issue in middle school. Prefers to be friends with the cool, popular kids who don't want to be friends with him. The kids that would possibly be interested in a friendship with him are not cool. So, since he does not want to be seen as uncool, he has no friends. It makes me so sad for him. He is at a mainstream private school. We will likely move him for high school, but still need to get through another 1 1/2 years.

I am so frustrated with this as well. I agree that electronics and social media are adding to the problem.

Sorry I can't be of any help. We tried a therapist which was unsuccessful and made no difference.

[Anonymous]

Have him watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid. It actually helped my DS deal with his own unpopularity.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Appreciate the responses. I wish there was an easy fix, but it's just tough if your kid doesn't fit in a traditional box. I found it helpful this past weekend to keep things light and try to just have fun with DS and get him out of his own head. Advice that I could apply myself.

[Anonymous]

Good advice and support here. You know, watching or reading things that have likable but not "popular"/cool teens as characters has really been helpful for us. One child of mine really identified with Hermione as a bit of outcast in the early HP books and later with both Brick and Sue from The Middle. Weird, but I swear it's really helped loosen up some attitudes in ways I could not have done just by talking as a parent . . .

[Anonymous]

OP, the best solution I saw for this situation was an activity in the community involving mostly kids from other school districts. Your DS sounds like a kid with interests that he could potentially latch onto and immerse himself in - is there anything in his wheelhouse that you could sign him up for that isn't based within his school? A close friend's DD fell out with the popular crowd in 8th grade and it was devastating. She also didn't want to be friends with the kids who actually wanted to be her friend - obsessed with the in-crowd and what she "lost". She got involved in BBYO (Jewish youth group) and became a "cool kid" in that circle. It will take time for your DS to see the situation for what it is, but if he can get some social connections going outside of school, he might find a home there.

[Anonymous]

Is it OCD, or is it high-functioning autism?

My son has HFA, and has difficulty conversing on anything other than his preferred subjects. He can connect with people because he's pleasant and non-threatening, but he's strictly a follower, and only chimes in when it's in his sphere of interest. And then he can't shut up.

He has not been invited to anything this year except one playdate with an old friend of his, now in a different school. Since he has no phone and we are not on social media, he doesn't know what he's missing.

However, I suspect the group he hangs out with at school doesn't actually socialize that much outside of school - they're all geeks just like he is. I think your son is in the wrong crowd, honestly, and that you should have a talk on finding more congenial people.

[Anonymous]

This is so tough. If I were you I’d want to take away social media, even if it was a huge fight, for his own good. He doesn’t have the social sophistication to use it appropriately so it is just deepening his isolation, and depressing him. There’s recent research about how much those platforms are stressing kids out, because they rub their faces in social activities they are excluded from (and present a carefully curated and seemingly fabulous view of those activities). If you can’t take it away, maybe you can get him to read some guidance written by teens for teens about what is cool and what isn’t, and common pitfalls that get you branded as a loser (like the “deep like” phenomenon). I have a smart and wonderful HFA 10 year old so I have just started thinking about this stuff, and it just terrifies me. If I can’t keep him away from it entirely I will want to coach him, a lot, about what to do and what not to do.

[Anonymous]

Take his phone away until he learns to text without causing these little crises.

(Melania, this tip is for you as well.)

[Anonymous]

You could delete Instagram. Assuming you’re paying for his phone? Delete it and if he brings it back, good bye phone for a month.

I was unpopular and craved popularity. I settled in with friends and now as an adult have a lot of really great friends in my life. I don’t think you can solve this problem for him. Just be there to listen. Though I would get rid of Instagram. It serves no positive purpose for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid does't have any diagnosis, so that isn't necessary for this to happen. He went through this friendship culling process when middle school started. It was hard and very painful. I encouraged him to join clubs that would help him find kids with similar interests. We continued to support his efforts in a sport that isn't at school.

He developed his current group of good friends through a school club. They spend some time on line together too, and I really prefer that to the party scene of the so-called "cool kids" anyway. But I do think you should delete Instagram for now because if he is so focused on what he is not doing, he might not get a chance to enjoy what he is doing.

This is written so well! I concur: OP, you need to encourage group activities outside of school and delete Instagram...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid does't have any diagnosis, so that isn't necessary for this to happen. He went through this friendship culling process when middle school started. It was hard and very painful. I encouraged him to join clubs that would help him find kids with similar interests. We continued to support his efforts in a sport that isn't at school.

He developed his current group of good friends through a school club. They spend some time on line together too, and I really prefer that to the party scene of the so-called "cool kids" anyway. But I do think you should delete Instagram for now because if he is so focused on what he is not doing, he might not get a chance to enjoy what he is doing.

This is written so well! I concur: OP, you need to encourage group activities outside of school and delete Instagram...

+1. Get him busy with after school interests and school work and take away Instagram. Tell him he won't be "uncool" for being friends with normal people.